Make You Feel My Love
by luvsdamovies
Summary: Set in a present day modern A/U- John Bates is a fire fighter struggling with the law and life. After a court order forces him to get the help he needs, John meets Anna, his saving grace. The timing could not be more wrong and John's past continues to haunt him. Plus, Anna has a few secrets of her own as well.
1. Humble Beginnings

**_Author's Note: I wanted to try something a bit different after reading through other fanfics for Bates and Anna (Banna). Bates is usually the injured party that seems to be struggling but rather than having him uphold his ethical code because he cares to much for others I thought I'd have him not care at all. So some of you may get the Johnny Cash reference in here. I'm from the U.S. so I tried to write their accents as best I could and will make every effort to get this as close to accurate as possible. There will be a bit of angst in here, but I promise to sprinkle fluff in as well. All reviews are welcome (good or bad) and I'll accept suggestions. You never know I may try to write for it if you throw one out there that I like. Anna isn't in this section yet, but I promise some sweet stuff is coming._**

**_Also I don't own anything of Downton Abbey, all credit to Julian Fellowes. If I had my way it would be the Anna/Bates and Carson/Hughes variety hour 24/7._**

**_Chapter 1_**

**_Humble Beginnings_**

"Do you understand these rules as I have stated them Mr. Bates", the judge asked, his words hanging in the air and echoing in the large court room. John just stood there silently almost in a daze; he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little bit hung over. That's part of what landed him in this situation in the first place. The judge asked him again and this time his temples were throbbing with each syllable, his eyes were squinting in the sunlight that was coming in through one of the adjacent windows. Meanwhile he was trying his hardest to remember what his lawyer, Mr. Murray had told him to do earlier if the judge asked him to speak. "Mr. Bates will you please remove your sunglasses and answer my question before I decide to hold you in contempt of court?" the judge asked.

John half smiled as he thought to himself, "_Would being held in contempt of court really be so bad_?"

Mr. Murray finally elbowed him in the side as he muttered under his breath, "Jesus Christ, John you aren't helping the situation any. Stand up and take off your sun glasses." John finally rose from his chair and winced a little anticipating the ever increasing glare of the sun that would be burning into his eyes once he removed the glasses. Once the sun glasses were removed the judge and everyone else sitting before him could see the black eye that John had acquired; still somewhat swollen and a deep shade of purple. He now found himself grimacing even more with the sun glaring he fought the urge to shut his eyes and that only made his swollen eye hurt more.

By all accounts, even with the black eye he was still a good looking man. Sure he was no prize stud as he had been back in his youth, but he still had his hair slicked back, his boyish grin, piercing hazel eyes, and a fairly muscular build. His body had seen better days as he had lost a lot of weight recently but had yet to tone up his muscles. As a result, his black suit hung loosely on his frame. When Mr. Murray had seen him the day before to run through all the possible outcomes of the hearing he encouraged him to wear a better fitting suit; preferably in a lighter color. But John had simply told him he wasn't there to impress anyone. To which Mr. Murray had argued, "Your right, it's only your life on the line."

John tried to think back to how he had reached this point in his life; he supposed he could blame it all on Thomas Barrow but he knew that was just the tip of the iceberg. John had been walking a fine line for a while and new that this had been a long time coming. As he tried to pin point the moment that everything had really begun to fall apart he was brought back from his deep thoughts when Mr. Murray nudged him once more. "Well, answer the man John", Mr. Murray encouraged in a low whisper.

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question?" John replied back to the judge. The tone of his voice was bordering between sarcasm and innocence. Deep down John knew he was pushing his limits, but that was nothing new to him. He had nothing to lose…not anymore at least. He had no wife, no children, his parents had both been deceased for some time and he had no real friends; except for Robert of course. He turned back to look at his old friend who had somehow managed to look past all his bullshit and shenanigans and still stood by his side. Robert did his best to muster a half smile and encouraged him to turn back around before he got himself into deeper trouble with the judge.

Finally the elderly judge, with his small stature had lost his patience and his voice boomed in the court room, "Mr. Bates!"

John held up his hands as if to surrender, "Yes, your honor. I understand the rules. "

Now it was the judge's turn to play with John, to put him back in his place, "Now repeat them back to me."

John took a deep breath and squinting once more as he tried to avoid the sun he looked up at the judge, "I am not to engage in any illegal substances, I must attend AA meetings, I need to perform 100 hours of community service…and…" John paused for a long time as he thought about what the last one was, it wasn't that he forgot. It was that out of all of them he knew it would be the hardest to do. He took another deep breath, "…and I'm required to check in with a court appointed therapist until I get permission to return to work on the rig. " As John ran through the mental checklist he was forming in his head he quickly thought to himself the first would be the easiest; he had never engaged in any type of narcotics. Sure he had taken the occasional pain pill as a chaser with a good scotch to numb the pain, but nothing more than that. In his mind the rest were bullshit; particularly the third one. He was a firefighter; his life was community service. As if putting his life on the line on a daily basis wasn't enough. The job takes a toll on everyone, so what if he indulged in a little drinking every now and again? And sure he could be known to get a little hot headed but he was Irish, wasn't it his birth right to get mad if he wanted too? Alright, so he knew that last one was a horrible stereotype and had any other person uttered it to him; he probably would have punched them in the jaw for making such an assumption. The fact that he couldn't fight fires or ride on the rig until some court appointed therapist, who knew nothing about firefighting, said so was completely out of line.

But John did as Mr. Murray had instructed he accepted the conditions with a forced smile and took his seat once more. He looked over at Mr. Barrow in the courtroom who had a black eye, a fat lip, and scar above his eye brow and this time he didn't have to feign happiness. The smug bastard had had it coming after the way he had been egging him on all these years. It almost made this entire legal headache worth it.

"Mr. Bates…" he heard his name once more from the judge and looked up to acknowledge the elderly man, "I hope you know I am not normally this lenient. Under normal circumstances I would have sent you to jail and wouldn't have batted an eye. But the fact that Chief Crawley over here spoke so highly of you led me to believe you are capable of being better than you are now. That and the fact that there were no witnesses to see who instigated this little bout between yourself and Mr. Barrow. But seeing as how he seems to have gotten the better part of a beating he will not be subjected to the same punishment. I think his pride will suffer enough." John was disappointed he wasn't facing the same fate as himself, but the judge had a point. John laughed to himself, knowing that whenever someone asked Thomas about his injuries he would have to explain that he'd gotten too big for his britches and had over stepped a line. The scar above his eye brow would hopefully be a reminder to Thomas that he wasn't as untouchable as he would like people to believe he was. The judge continued to lecture him, "I do hope that this will be the last time you grace me with your presence Mr. Bates. You are required to follow these rules for one year. If at any time your therapist or AA sponsor feels that you are not complying with the rules you will serve out the remainder of your time in jail. "

"Yes sir," John replied trying to sound respectful.

"Very well then," the judge eyed him suspiciously noting the change in the tone of his voice as John suddenly seemed more cooperative. "Court is adjourned, please see the court clerk on the way out to get your therapist assigned to you," the judge said as he pounded his gavel.

John collected his things and even though it pained him to do so he winked at Thomas on the way out of the court room. Thomas was taken aback and his jaw hung open, he couldn't believe the balls on Mr. Bates.

"Thank you for your help today Mr. Murray," John said as he gave the lawyer a pat on the back. He then proceeded to button up his suit jacket and place the sunglasses back on. John turned to Robert, "So celebratory drinks on me." Robert shook his head and was about to interject when John said, "Robert, I'm kidding. I heard what the judge said."

"Good, because I had to cash in every favor I had up my sleeve to get you that sentence. The board for the fire department was ready to throw you on your ass for your wild behavior," Robert scolded.

John straightened his tie as he winked at the court reporter passing them by, "Oh, Rob, you flatter me." He knew that Robert hated when he called him by his childhood name, but he was hoping it would send the message that he was in no mood for a speech now. "Look I got to go check in with the lady at the front desk, we can grab lunch after," John said.

"Eager to start your therapy?" Robert asked.

"Oh, I was actually hoping to just get her number. But good point old man, kill two birds with one stone," he said with a smirk as headed for the door. Robert shook his head as he watched his friend walk off. He hated seeing John like this; he never used to be this way. But he knew there was no point in trying to change his course of direction, John would just make it a point to fight harder and travel in the opposite direction.

* * *

At lunch John was fighting the urge to order a beer. It wasn't so much that he was an alcoholic; he never drank on the job. But when he was off the clock he had preferred to drown himself in booze and the occasional pain pill. The habitual drinking had started not long after he returned from the war…the pills would come later. At first he had needed them for the pain but after a while it had become something to numb himself, drown out the memories, and take the edge off. He found that when he combined the two together he could avoid dreaming all together. Sometimes the night time was worse than the day time. But, he didn't want to dwell on that. He had lived the sober life before; he could do it again he thought to himself.

With his long face, black suit, and hair slicked back in pomade he looked like Johnny Cash and Robert couldn't help but grin at his friend. "Didn't Mr. Murray advise you to wear a lighter colored suit?" Robert asked, but he already knew the answer to his question.

"I don't own any suits in any other colors," John replied evenly.

"You could have always borrowed one of mine," Robert suggested, "although with the weight you've lost you probably would have been swimming in it."

"I like black…" John said. He took another bite of his food before he continued, "…it fits my mood, don't you think?"

Roberts smile faded, "It's just I think Mr. Murray was hoping it would help your chance to get a lighter sentence. It would give the impression that you were more likable and not so…"

Before Robert could finish his sentence he was cut off by John, "Sooooo… what? So much of an arse?" He had answered so quickly that his Irish brogue had made itself more evident than usual.

"No, I didn't say that," Robert hurriedly began to back pedal.

"Are you saying I'm not likable, Rob?" John accused with a serious face.

For a minute Robert thought he was serious and was going to defend himself but then he saw the crinkle in the corners of John's eyes and knew he was joking. He playfully punched John in the side of the arm, "For a minute there you had me going. I only meant that you don't always have to dress and look like you are going to a funeral, John."

"Maybe I am," John replied nonchalantly. Robert didn't care for that comment. Robert knew life had not been kind to his friend and when he looked in John's eyes he saw a broken man and sometimes he had to wonder if John would seriously take his life. Though John seemed to be ever the calm, quiet person his hands were fidgeting. John could really go for a smoke right about now. It wasn't something he did often but it was something he had done in the past when he was extremely stressed. But he figured if he was going to be giving up booze he might as well give up smoking too. Robert frowned when he noticed the erratic movements of his hands. He would have reached out and held his hand to comfort him if he knew John would let him. But John wasn't that type of person; he didn't like to be pitied and he preferred not to bother others with his troubles. John followed the gaze of Robert's eyes and acted as if it was nothing as he raised the shaking hand to run his fingers through his hair.

Robert finally set his silver wear down and swallowed his last bite of steak as he dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. "You know I'm pulling for you right Bates?" he asked. John stopped chewing his food for a moment and nodded his head in agreement. "You could always stay in one of the spare rooms. I'm sure Cora would love to have you over now that the girls have all moved out," Robert suggested. John shook his head and raised a single finger wagging it back and forth in a "no" motion. "What will you do then?" Robert asked. Robert waited for an answer as he saw the gears in Bates' head moving around trying to sort out a plan. Robert put a stop to it when he reminded John, "I can't put you on a rig, you know the board won't let me bend the rules and you can't sleep at the fire house unless you are on the clock."

"So I'll work," John replied calmly.

"And do what? Check hoses? Tidy the floor? Perform kitchen duty?" Robert looked at his friend hoping to elicit a response. John just continued to eat his food as if Robert's words held no meaning. As Chief of the fire house Robert was always trying to encourage the men that everyone's work there was equally important, but being realistic he knew better. "John, that's probie work. That's Alfred and Jimmy's job, not yours."

John was not moved by this at all, "Alfred was a soldier much like I was. I have no problem helping him out with performing simple tasks around the fire house."

"But Jimmy wasn't a soldier," Robert argued.

There was a long awkward silence between them before John finally said, "Look, I can't just sit at home Robert. I'd be crawling out of my skin and bored out of my mind. If its pay you are worried about I'd do it for free."

"It's not the pay I'm worried about. I'm worried about you," Robert said as he slammed his fist down on the table. Some of the restaurant patrons turned to look over at them and John faked a smile to ease their minds. When they returned to their normal business Robert continued, "You need a break from the fire house Bates. I can't have another outburst between you and Barrow, or I'll be forced to let you go." This time Robert was pleading with him, John would never understand why Robert tried so hard to help him. Everyone else had given up on him so easily.

"I'll work a different shift then or different days," John argued. "I can't just sit around doing nothing when good men like William aren't here to do it anymore…it wouldn't be fair," John finished. John lowered his head after that and said nothing more as he pushed around the food on his plate.

Robert could see he was getting nowhere with him and the last time he had brought up William things got ugly fast. "Look, I know you've never been one to kiss ass unless you absolutely had to. But, I know what being a firefighter means to you. I also know that right now the world is giving you a second chance so don't muck this up. Just try to keep your nose clean, see this therapist that they've assigned and who knows, maybe they can help you." John shook his head in dismay, the thought of it all made him sick to his stomach and he lost his appetite. He quickly pushed the plate away and began drinking some water. He felt as though he were sweating through his suit and his tie seemed to be strangling him. "Bates, I want to see you back on that rig as much as you do. Although you are a bit reckless when it comes to your choices in the field, there's no one else I'd rather have fighting alongside me or out there with my boys", Robert said with a smile.

"You sure about that?" John asked coolly.

"I wouldn't be standing here if I wasn't", Robert replied quickly. It almost made him choke up. John knew there weren't a lot of people he cared about in his life and most of those he had cared about were gone. He knew it was one of those reckless decisions Robert had mentioned earlier that had allowed him to save his friend's life. Robert never forgot that; he understood that John didn't play by the rules and he wasn't much of a team player. These were dangerous traits for a fire fighter; but his instincts made him a natural and one of the best fire fighters Robert had ever met.

John got up from his seat and removed his jacket; he threw it over his shoulder and held it there with the one hand. "Where you off to now?" Robert asked.

Sliding the sunglasses back on he reached into his pocket and began to pull out money to pay for the meal but Robert motioned his hand to stop him. "I'll see you on Monday at the fire house Chief," John said as he held out his hand to shake it. "Give my love to Cora and the girls," John said as he did his best to offer a smile.

"I will. If you give me a moment to pay the bill I can give you a ride home," Robert offered as he shook his hand.

"Don't you remember Chief? I don't have one," John said and Robert brow furrowed, "Besides the fresh air will do me good."

"Think about what I said Bates!" Robert called after him as he headed out the door.

"Yeah, yeah," John muttered to himself as he waved over his shoulder.


	2. One Step at a Time

**_Authors Note: Alright so there's a little more revealed from John's past in this chapter and he finally meets Anna. Side note-anything in italics is an internal thought and not spoken out loud Again any reviews, advice, suggestions are welcome. Hope you all are enjoying the story so far._**

**_Again I don't own these characters or the show. This is strictly for entertainment purposes. Julian Fellowes should take credit for the characters of the show._**

**_Chapter 2_**

**_One Step at a Time_**

The next day he stepped out of the shower and began getting ready for his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The fresh air and walk the day before had done him good, but the minute he went to lie down he found himself tossing and turning all through the night. He woke up at 3am in a cold sweat and couldn't manage to fall back to sleep. He had only been asleep for four hours. Between the lack of sleep and the anxiety of going to the meeting he felt drained. Just thinking about it made him want a drink but he had been good so far.

He knew the judge wouldn't be expecting miracles overnight but he didn't want to give anyone any reason to question his ability to do his job. Fighting fires was all he had left, so as much as he hated the idea of going to this meeting he had no other choice. The counter top in the bathroom looked relatively bare, even for a guy. He had grown accustomed to it though, since his divorce settlement three years ago he had been left with relatively nothing and had been living out of hotels on his days away from the fire house. It didn't bother him much; he had never really had much use for a home, after all what would he fill it with? Horrible memories of a loveless marriage to Vera? His non-existent children? Nope. He drove around with the few clothes he had in suitcase in his truck and the few priceless possessions he had were placed in storage after the divorce.

John took one look at the clock as he brushed his teeth and realized he had taken longer in the shower than he had meant to. He quickly threw on some underarm deodorant and slapped on some after shave and ran a comb through his hair. Even though it wouldn't have taken much longer he didn't have time to apply the pomade and style it today. With the towel cinched around his waist he looked through his luggage of clothing. After little deliberation he settled on a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt. He was trying to take Robert's advice from earlier and at least appear likable, but he drew the line on adding color to the wardrobe. He gave himself one last look over as he ran his hand down the back of his head to smooth any out of place hairs and thought to himself, _"Good enough"_.

John was ready to walk out the door when he took one last look at the dresser to make sure he had grabbed everything he needed "_wallet, keys, phone_" he said to himself as he ran a mental checklist. He quickly checked his jacket pockets and found the number from the lady at the front desk earlier. He stared at it for a while in his hands and then tossed it in the trash. Upon noticing that his keys were missing he began to move stuff around on the dresser and knocked a picture frame over. He went to pick up the frame and turned it over to glance at it before putting it back in its place. It was the last photo he had of he and William at the bar on his their last night together. William was playing at the piano and John was standing behind him singing into a pint of beer. It had been the annual holiday party with all the boys from the fire house and William and John were celebrating their promotions. William was no longer a probationary fire fighter and John made senior fire fighter. John half smiled at the memory of it all and his eyes glassed over with tears. He set the frame back down next to one of him and his mother. He wondered to himself what she would have thought of him now if she only knew how badly he had made a mess of his life. Using his index and middle finger he kissed them and pressed them against the photo of his mum. He quickly wiped at his eyes and slammed the door shut as he headed out to his truck for the meeting.

* * *

John pulled up to the address he had on a piece of paper but he thought he must be in the wrong place as he looked across the street at the church. John turned the keys in the ignition and let the engine idle. He hadn't been to a church since the funeral and couldn't even recall the last time he had been to one prior to that. It must have been his mother's funeral. Just thinking about it depressed him and he had just collected himself after thinking about William. Letting go of alcohol might be a lot harder than he thought. He grabbed his coat and laid it over his arm as he headed up the walk of the chapel. It wasn't particularly cold but he could tell a storm was coming.

He had just opened the door to the church and was about to step in when he heard a voice call out to him, "Wait, please hold the door!" With the sun setting in his eyes he could only make out a silhouette walking towards him. But he heard her speak to him again and this time it sounded softer and out of breath, "Thanks, I wasn't sure how I'd manage the door with all this." It was then that John saw her trying to juggle a stack of boxes and drink carriers were balancing dangerously on top. She wasn't tall to begin with and the drink carriers concealed her face. John held the door with his foot and immediately reached out to help her. As soon as he removed the drinks her face was fully revealed and he felt his breath hitch in his throat. It was as if time had stood still for a single moment and he felt a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. He couldn't even describe it. It was warm and comforting and he didn't want it to end.

Her hair shone with a golden hue as the sun set behind her and it contrasted well against her alabaster skin. The more she stepped into the light coming from inside the church the brighter her blue eyes became. Her cheeks were a perfect hue of pink, but it wasn't make up. "_It must be from the cool wind blowing so harshly against her skin" _he thought to himself. In fact, the more he stared at her the more he realized she was hardly wearing any make up at all, she was naturally gorgeous. "Thank you" she said sweetly, her Yorkshire accent extending the syllables of "you" as she smiled up at him.

He became lost in her smile and found himself focusing intently on her lips, she was the closest thing to an angel he had ever seen and he imagined what it might be like to brush his lips up against hers. He knew he should say something; he didn't want to seem rude after all. He finally found the will to speak again, "Much obliged ma'am." She continued to hold his gaze and he stood there like a fool continuing to hold the boxes, drinks, and the door for her.

"You don't have to carry all of it though," she said, releasing him from the spell he was under.

"I can manage," he replied back as he continued to hold the door open for her with his foot.

"Mmmm," she eyed him with a raised brow.

"I can," he insisted.

"I can see that," she said with a giggle and a playful smirk.

"After you m'lady," he said as she began to walk past him. As she did he caught a whiff of her scent; it was a sweet combination of jasmine and honey and it hung in the air long after she walked through the door. John continued to follow behind her as he took in her beautiful figure. He felt as though he were walking in a fog as he strutted lazily behind her. Her skirt swayed back and forth almost in a rhythmic fashion sending him into a deeper trance. Without even realizing it John's head began to bob back and forth to the same beat. He eyed her toned, supple calves and followed them up to her bottom that seemed to be teasing him as it moved seamlessly to-and-fro. He wanted so badly to place a hand upon them but he wouldn't dare. She was most definitely a lady; he could tell by the way she carried herself. And just knowing that was enough to drive him mad, because he knew he would never be good enough for her.

They finally reached a room in the church and he saw the chairs arranged in a circle. If there had ever been a doubt that he was in the wrong place before, the stage set for his public humiliation confirmed it in his mind. As he thought of how all his shame was about to be put on display he couldn't help but think _"All that's missing is the stocks"._ There were a few people milling about and chatting with one another. She said hello to a few of them in passing but was not deterred from her mission as she went to clear a space on the table for John to set the boxes down. As soon as he began spreading out the boxes he saw the logo on the box, "Krispy Kreme?"

"And coffee", she chimed in cheerfully as she quickly claimed a cup for herself and took a sip. "I also brought tea if you'd fancy that better," she said as she slid a cup over to him.

"Oh no, thanks I think I've got enough addictions. I think adding Krispy Kreme to the equation would only add to my problems," he said with a chuckle as he patted at his stomach.

"Oh, come on one won't hurt you," she said teasingly as she dangled one in front of him.

John was about to say something to her when an awkward looking man came bursting in the room and ran up to the table and gave her arm a light squeeze, to which John noticed her tense up. The man clearly hadn't noticed John standing there. "There you are," he said, "I saw you in the parking lot struggling to carry the boxes. I was going to come help you but I still had to park my car. Someone's truck was in my spot."

"Don't mind Mr. Molesley," she said apologetically. "He's taken it upon himself to be my helper," Anna explained with a slight roll of the eyes that only John had picked up on.

"Well, it doesn't look like she needs anymore of your help. I got it from here," John said in a kind and even tone.

She mouthed the words "Thank you" to him while Mr. Molesley wasn't looking.

John winked back at her before he continued. "As for the truck, that would probably be my truck. I didn't see your name on it…Mr. Molesley was it?" John asked even though he had heard correctly earlier. It didn't take John long to pick up on the fact that Mr. Molesley was keen on this woman. But that didn't bother John; Mr. Molesley looked like a sniveling little man. Even though it was Mr. Molesley that was directing questions at her, John noticed that instead it was he who seemed to be holding her attention.

"Well, I'll just grab one of these donuts and head over to our usual seats then", Mr. Molesley said.

"That won't be necessary," she replied as she waved him off, "I think I'll hang back here with our newest addition."

"I do miss gravy rings," he said and she lifted her eye brows as her smile broadened. "My mother used to make a small batch when she knew I was having a bad day," he recalled aloud as he did his best to give a half smile.

"Well I suppose you could count today as a bad day," she reasoned. "Or a good day now that you are taking the first steps to get yourself some help. Either way, I think you are entitled to indulge a little," she said simply.

John found himself genuinely smiling for the first time in a long time, "All right fine…pass me one with sprinkles."

She placed one on a plate and as she handed it over she extended her other hand to him, "I'm Anna by the way."

_"Ah finally, a name to put with the face of the angel that graced his presence," _he sighed for a moment after hearing her name.

"John Bates," he said as he took the plate from her and tenderly took her hand in his own. Her small hand practically disappeared in his much larger hand. He couldn't help but notice how soft and smooth her skin felt against his own calloused hands. He thought to himself, _"John what are you doing? You're here under court orders, not to meet girls."_

There was a long silence between them but she never tried to pull away her hand from his. Anna was just as surprised by how someone with such large hands could be so incredibly gentle. Her eyes gave him a once over as she tried her best not to stare for too long. He had dark hair that was slicked back, but it must have only been water holding it in place as a single strand seemed to continue to fall out of place and just over his right eye. She preferred it to the men that put too much product in their hair and appeared to be trying too hard. She found it sort of charming, it made him appear more natural and at ease. It gave the impression he had nothing to prove. It was a refreshing change from most of the men and women that had graced this room before; the ones that tried so hard to be someone else and conceal their problems.

He was tall; at least a good foot taller than she was and he had broad shoulders. She imagined that years ago he would have made a fine athlete with his muscular build and large frame. Although now he looked like he was withering away. She could tell by the way his shirt loosely hung out over his belt buckle, even with his shirt already tucked in his pants. The black shirt made him appear slimmer than he already was but it made his green eyes stand out. If she looked at his eyes long enough she could see flecks of brown dispersed amongst the green. She found the crows feet around his eyes to be charming, she noticed that they had expanded when he had smiled at her before. It wasn't until that moment that she registered the hint of purple and yellow around his eye, "Oh no, your eye," she remarked as she let go of his hand. She almost reached out to touch it but quickly reminded herself that they had just met. She began fidgeting with her hands hoping he hadn't noticed the gesture.

The minute her hand left his he felt as though a part of him were missing. "Ah, yes that," he tried his best to laugh it off and look away so that it wouldn't draw further attention from her or anyone else in the room.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It's nothing," he replied.

"It doesn't look like nothing," she argued sweetly.

"Occupational hazard," he said.

"You hurt yourself on the job? What do you do?" she asked sounding genuinely concerned.

John was about to answer her when some of the people in the room began coming up to the table to grab donuts and coffee. Despite the people walking between them Anna was still patiently waiting for an answer from him. He was just about to answer her question when another man a little younger than himself came up and interrupted them, "Ms. Smith, thank you so much for bringing in some provisions for us to munch on for the night. These things tend to drag on sometimes."

"You're quite welcome Mr. Lang it was my pleasure," she said as she put a hand out to pat him on the shoulder. Her hand remained on his arm for a moment as she smiled at him and John felt himself getting jealous that she was touching Mr. Lang instead of him. The feeling was new to him. He had never been jealous of another person in his life, especially when it came to amorous feelings. "Have you met Mr. Bates yet?" she asked Mr. Lang as she gestured to Mr. Bates.

"No, I haven't," he said as he extended his hand out to shake with John. "I'm Henry. I'm a recovering alcoholic and a former officer in the army. And you?"

John saluted him and shook Mr. Lang's hand. "I'd prefer not to call myself an alcoholic, just enjoy an occasional drink. Sometimes more often than the average Joe, but that's neither here nor there."

"Well, they say the first step to recovery is to admit that one has a problem," Henry said.

John didn't want to discuss it further with Mr. Lang; after all, the last thing he wanted was to get a lecture from a fellow alcoholic. He immediately changed the subject, "I was once in the military as well, though it was many years ago. I took a bullet to the leg and was honorably discharged after that."

"I'm sorry to hear that, how are you getting on now?" Henry asked.

"I can't complain. I walked away from it all, which is a lot more than most can say," John said sadly as he stared intently at his half eaten plate. "Well, I think that's enough about me for now."

"You'll have to get used to sharing a lot more in this room," Henry joked.

"Yeah that's what I was afraid of," John said with a forced laughed.

"It's okay, just take it one step at a time Mr. Bates," Anna chimed in with a reassuring squeeze of his arm.

"We should probably take our seats before Ms. Hughes gets here," Mr. Lang said as he scurried off.

"I take it Ms. Hughes is the ring leader here?" John asked and Anna nodded. "I'm finding it hard to believe that a girl like you is a recovering alcoholic. So tell me Mrs. Smith what's you're story?" he continued to prod her.

As they began to head to two empty seats she said, "Well, it's Miss Smith, I'm not married. " She paused for a moment; she hadn't meant to reveal that and smiled nervously at him. "I'm sorry; I don't know why I told you that."

"Don't worry I won't tell any of the eligible bachelors in the room," he whispered jokingly and it elicited a laugh from her that made him smile harder than he had in years. In fact, as she observed the men milling about the room she couldn't help but laugh even harder; it really was the bottom of the barrel. "Although, I don't know that it would make much of a difference to Mr. Molesley," he continued. She still hadn't managed to stifle her laughter from his earlier comment and a few of the people in the room had looked over in their direction. Mr. Molesley had even given John a look of disgust that had evoked a more boisterous laugh from her followed by a snort. He now found himself laughing at her reaction and when Ms. Hughes walked into the room they were like two school children giggling about something they weren't supposed to.

"Alright everyone let's all settle down," the older lady said as she took a seat in a chair directly across from John. "Let's all welcome are newest member, John," she said with a smile.

"Hello, John," everyone said in unison. Their words flooded over him, but the only voice he heard was Anna's.

"Evening," he said with a small wave of his hand trying to be as friendly as possible.

"I hope you don't mind… but I like to sit directly across from new members on their first night, I prefer to make eye contact with the new folk," she said with a Scottish accent.

"Oh no, you wouldn't be doing your job if you weren't putting me on the spot," he said sarcastically.

The older woman didn't seem offended at all; in fact she couldn't help but let out a small giggle, "You got some fight in ya, that's good you'll need it if you're goin to be successful at combatin your addictions." John smiled back at her; he liked the old broad already.


	3. We All Need Saving

**Authors Note-Sorry this chapter wasn't as long, but I had to break it up as the next one will be much longer. Just falling into a creative vibe this weekend I guess, so might as well type while the ideas are flowing. Of the reviews I've received so far and PM's I am truly ecstatic by the feedback. I wasn't sure how well people would receive a "grumpy" version of John (as one reader put it). The change in him wont be instantaneous, but I assure you it wont be all angst and it wont be all fluff. Enjoy the weekend everyone!**

**_Chapter 3_**

**_We All Need Saving_**

At the end of the meeting some people had filed out and others were still milling about and socializing. Most of them talked about their ailments and their progress. A few had walked up to John to welcome him or give him their number in case he needed someone to talk to. He had to admit it was the most welcome he had felt in some time, but he still couldn't help but look at Anna. He watched her as she began to collect the half empty cups around the room and plates left behind on the table; she truly was a selfless soul. First she had provided food for the lot of them, then she extended her friendship to him, and now she was picking up after everyone's mess. He was just about to offer to help when Mrs. Hughes came up to him, "I hope you didn't find your first meeting to be too overwhelmin for ya."

He saw as Anna looked over her shoulder to gage his response. "No, it actually wasn't too bad," he answered and a small smile came to Anna's face as she went back to clearing the table. "I must apologize for not participating as much as you would have liked… I just wasn't ready yet," he said sincerely.

"I know our rag tag group can be a bit dauntin at times, but you won't find a better lot than the people occupyin this room. They've all seen the worst, so they are less likely to pass judgment on others," she explained. Ms. Hughes looked down at Mr. Bates' hand and saw the small pile of phone numbers, "I know you weren't keen on sharin anythin with us just yet, but don't shut the world out Mr. Bates. You can't be afraid to let others into your life for fear that they will let you down or leave you."

"But I didn't say anything about…" John interjected but was quickly cut off by Mrs. Hughes.

"You didn't have to," she said as she placed a hand on his shoulder, "I could tell by the pain in your eyes. Keep in mind what I said," Ms. Hughes said. "Now I best be getting off, I have to get down to the train before the last one of the night leaves without me," she said as she collected her stuff. "Anna, will you be alright to lock up for the night?" Ms. Hughes asked.

"Yes, Ms. Hughes," Anna replied as she began collecting the chairs and putting them to one side of the room.

"I'll help her," John offered.

"Oh, that would be lovely," Ms. Hughes said, "I see you are takin my advice already." As Ms. Hughes adjusted her cardigan one last time she quickly made her way out the door.

John began helping her with the chairs. "Alone at last," he said to her with a half-smile that exposed a small dimple on the side of his right cheek. It made Anna blush a little and the two continued to stack the chairs in silence, "You still never told me what your story was."

"Well, I don't know yours either," she replied.

"I asked you first," he said and this time they reached for the same chair. Their hands brushing up against one another for a moment and their eyes met, "Perhaps I should stack and you should collect the chairs, seeing as how I'm tall enough to stack them higher."

They continued in silence a little longer and by the time she brought him the last chair she spoke up. "I suppose there isn't much to tell. I used to know someone in this program I had come here with him for some time…for support. After a while he stopped coming but I had seen the potential in the people here and the good that Ms. Hughes was trying to do. I couldn't turn my back on them…not when everyone else had." Her words moved him to his very core he felt as though her eyes were piercing to his soul and he felt honored to have met someone who put the needs of others before themselves. It made his heart ache; he knew now for sure, that she was most definitely too good for him. But that didn't mean they couldn't be friends.

The wind outside was blowing so hard that it could be heard from within the church. "Sounds like that storm is starting to pick up," John said, "We best be going." Anna nodded in agreement and went to grab her things. John held open the door for her to step outside and took one look at Anna, "Did you not bring yourself a jacket girl?"

"The weather wasn't this bad when I left home," she said. John turned his attention to the door to make sure it was locked after he shut it. He didn't want Ms. Hughes to question his ability to keep his promises or take his responsibilities seriously. "I hope Ms. Hughes didn't get caught in the storm on her way to catch the train." Once again John felt his hear t swell with pride when he heard her say such sweet and selfless things. "_It must be impossible to get anything done, when one is always concentrating on the needs of others," _he thought to himself.

"Here, take this," he said as he began removing his jacket.

"No, no I couldn't possibly," she said. But John already had begun maneuvering the jacket over one of her arms. "What about you?" she asked.

"What about me?" he replied as he helped her get her other arm into the jacket. "I can manage" he said is a sweet and soft voice.

She pursed her lips together as she tried to hide a small knowing smile. "So where's your shiny armor?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Armor?" he asked back not sure to what she was referring to.

"Yeah, you know like the knights in all the fairy tales," she answered.

"Ah. You don't still believe in fairy tales do you?" he asked.

"No, but I feel like I'm taking advantage of your kindness, this is the fourth time you have saved me this evening," she said.

"Fourth?" he replied as he locked up the door. "I only recall helping you three times."

"First you helped me with the door and prevented me from spilling all the drinks and donuts. Which believe me, if you knew my track record, it was bound to happen. Then you saved me from Mr. Molesley's advances. You stayed after to help me with the chairs." She was rambling at a million miles an hour and he could barely keep up, but he loved her for it. It kept him on his toes. "And now you share your jacket with me."

"I don't really need it," he shrugged it off.

"You better be careful Mr. Bates, a girl could get used to being saved all the time," she said with a hint of flirtation in her voice.

"Why do you need saving all the time?" he asked with an air of curiosity.

"I think we all need saving once in a while," she responded.

"You didn't answer my question," he said.

"You're equally mysterious Mr. Bates, how does it feel to be on the other end of this conversation?" she asked. He was secretly disappointed that she continued to call him by his last name instead of his first.

"Is this one yours?" John asked as he pointed to the small civic.

Anna had not even realized that they had already walked all the way to her car. "Oh, yes it is. Thank you," she said as she began to remove the jacket.

John raised a hand to stop her, "It's okay. Keep it until the next meeting; you can bring it back to me then."

"Won't you be cold?" she asked.

"I'm used to working in all kinds of weather conditions," he said.

"Ah yes, you never finished telling me what your occupation was," she said as she hopped in her car and craned her neck out the window.

This time he bent down toward her car door so that they were nearly face to face. She could feel the warmth of his breath on her cheeks and she was now getting a good whiff of his after shave. Her heart was speeding up and she couldn't help staring at his plump lips and the little bit of stubble that outlined them. He was an older man, at least a good ten years older than her, but he was in every sense of the word a manly man. In that moment she wanted so badly to pull him in for a kiss, but she knew the rules of the program would prohibit it. Her brain told her that it would be a mistake to get mixed up with a recovering alcoholic; especially one she had just barely met. But he had kind eyes and his intentions so far had been far more honorable than any other man she had ever come across in her short life. He leaned his hands on the panel of the door to brace himself as he leaned forward a little further. Had it been anyone else she might have been fearful that someone was making such bold advances with her and at this time of night with no one else around. But she felt safe with him and she truly believed in what Ms. Hughes had said earlier about him having pain behind those eyes. She realized the importance of reaching out to him to help him in whatever way she could. Finally he broke the silence between them, "I think we'll save that for another time. If I go revealing all my secrets now we won't have much to talk about the next time we see one another."

A small playful grin spread across her face, "I will hold you to that Mr. Bates."

"I look forward to it," he replied back as she started her car.

Before rolling up her window she said, "Put some ice on that eye when you get home."

"Yes ma'am," he said as he lightly tapped the top of her car to send her off. And she waved one last time after rolling up her windows.

John watched as she drove off until he could no longer see her car. He felt a chill run up his spine and was wishing he still had his jacket. He walked silently back to his truck and when he went to go open the door he realized he didn't have his keys or his wallet, he had left them in the pocket of his jacket. "Awww, shit! You've got to be kidding me." The thunder above him made itself known as it growled louder than before and just as John looked up to the sky it began to rain. "Well, Johnny boy, when it rains it pours," he said to himself as he leaned his back against the truck.


	4. An Unconventional Hero

**Author's Note: So I hope you are all having as good of a Monday as one could hope for. I know my day started off great with a tweet from Brendan Coyle, it literally made my day. I promised a long chapter and here it is. I hope it reads well I kind of blended both points of view into one. I don't like to segment things using lines, I'm OCD that way, it's a personal preference. Lots of fluff for you. Again reviews are welcome and if you have any ideas or requests as to where you would like things to go or something you'd like to see let me know. So here it is Chapter 4.**

_**Chapter 4**_

_**An Unconventional Hero**_

An hour and a half later that same night Anna was brushing her teeth. She had been thinking of John ever since she left the church. It wasn't until she went to spit the tooth paste out that she realized while day dreaming of the man she had forgotten to put tooth paste on the brush in the first place. "Where is your head Anna May Smith," she said to herself. She applied tooth paste to the brush this time and began brushing again. She was losing herself in her thoughts once more until she heard a knock at the door. She spit out the tooth paste that had been accumulating in her mouth, "Hold on! I'll be right there!" Anna had almost been ready to head to bed. While heading out of her bedroom she checked the clock quickly and noticed it was just past ten, _"Who on earth could it be at this hour?" _Taking notice of her appearance in the mirror before she went to open the door she quickly grabbed a sweatshirt to cover herself up a little more just in case. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail and heard the knock at the door once more, "Just a sec!"

Anna made her way down the hallway of her flat and the thunder struck, it was loud enough to make her jump this time. From the end of the hallway she could see the outline of a man outside her door and was suddenly very cautious. She went to reach for a baseball bat in the hall closet before going to the door. Another strike of thunder and suddenly the lights went off in her apartment and Anna felt a surge of pain travel up her foot. "Owww, bollocks!" She immediately grabbed at her foot as she hopped up and down after having stubbed her toe on a piece of furniture. She steadied herself using the bat as she paused and tried to assess the damage. Well it didn't look broken but it hurt like hell when she went to walk on it.

She was reminded that there was still someone standing outside when the voice called out, "Anna! Are you okay?"

John had noticed the lights in the house flicker off and on while standing outside and he had heard her scream out. He was half tempted to break down the door to make sure she was ok. God knows he had done it plenty of times with a crowbar at work, doing it with his shoulder would be a welcome challenge. He waited a moment longer and just as he was about to bust the door in he heard the sound of the lock click. "Mr. Bates?" Anna said sounding surprised. "What are you…uh… what are you doing here?" she asked as she pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Even in her mismatched pajama bottoms and oversized sweat shirt she was a sight for sore eyes. Her hair was up in a messy pony tail and the sweet smelling combination of jasmine and honey was even stronger now. It must have been from her shampoo as she looked like she had recently taken a shower. John tried not to stare for too long when he noticed the grimace on her face. "I'm sorry to be disturbing you so late, but I realized shortly after you left that I sent you off with my keys and wallet," he explained.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry," she apologized as she racked her brain trying to remember where she had discarded the jacket.

"No use blamin yourself. It was my own fault for not checkin my pockets before letting you borrow the jacket," he assured her.

"I think I left it in the den," she said as she went to walk back further into the house. As soon as she shifted her weight on the other foot she let out a soft moan and winced again.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm afraid I stubbed my toe pretty bad on the table in the hallway when the lights went out," she said as she reached down to rub at her foot. "I thought you were an intruder and was trying to find my bat," she explained. "So much for trying to prevent bodily harm, eh?" she joked as she rubbed at her foot again.

"Here have a seat," he said taking the bat from her and setting it aside. He went to help her to the couch, allowing her to lean her weight on him. Realizing that he was soaking wet from sitting outside in the storm he went to remove his shoes. "I don't want to get any mud on your rugs," he said. He couldn't help but look around as he untied the laces of his shoes. He hadn't been inside many houses lately, except for the one's that were usually on fire. He had been to Robert's before but Robert's home was a palace compared to her small flat. Cora had made her and Robert's home look like an over priced museum with all the latest American trends, but Anna had made this place into a home. Anna's place was certainly more inviting: sprawling hardwood floors and 10ft ceilings, little knick knacks lined the walls, and there were personal photos up on the mantle. It was a little bare, but it was more than he was used to in his hotel room.

"Oh gosh, I didn't even offer you something to dry yourself with. Where are my manners?" she said as she began to rise from the sofa.

"It's fine. Let me just take this off, I think my button down got the worst of it," he said and Anna gulped at the words. "You don't mind do you?" he asked.

_"Do I mind? Is he joking?"_ she thought to herself. Noticing that he was still waiting for a response she tried to contain her delight, _"Just say something. Say anything."_

"No," she replied quickly. Not wanting to seem too eager she tried focusing her attention on something else.

He began fumbling with his buttons and she could already see a dark tuff of hair poke just below his collar bone. She bit her lower lip and was finding it impossibly hard to stare at anything else. He removed the soaked shirt only to reveal a white t-shirt under it that was also wet. It clung to his body and revealed every muscle on his chest. As he turned to find a spot to hang the shirt to dry his shoulder blades made themselves known, protruding with every movement of his flexing biceps. She had been right in her earlier assessment of his build. And now that his button-down wasn't hanging over his buckle she could see that the rain had made his pants hug his thighs and legs. The excitement was becoming too much for her, anymore of this and she would need a drink of water. She hoped she wasn't blushing and being too obvious. Anna was practically on the edge of her seat when he finally settled on a wooden chair in her dining room, "Ah, I found my jacket."

"I knew it was around here somewhere," she said trying to play it cool.

Returning back to the task at hand he looked as though he were pointing two sets of guns at her with his fingers, "Now…" he clapped his hands together, "let's have a look at that foot of yours." John rested his hands on her shoulders to ease her back into the couch. He crouched down on his knees at the base of her feet and tried to find a dry spot on his pants to wipe his hands, "May I?"

_"Oh God yes," _she thought to herself, but outwardly she simply nodded in agreement.

His hands gently glided across her sole and came to rest at the heel of her foot. His lightly calloused hands that had felt so good against her hand earlier felt just as good on her feet. He moved his right hand to the ball of her foot and his fingers lightly brushed her toes. When she gasped out loud and bit at her bottom lip his finger came to stop at the injured toe. As much as it hurt, she was taking great pleasure in having his hands on her; even if it was just her foot. As she continued to study his hands on her feet she saw a single drop of water fall on her foot and her eyes looked up into his. "Sorry," he said softly as he continued to examine her foot.

She had looked at him earlier but now she found herself studying him even more closely. Even with his hair sopping wet, that one stubborn strand of hair continued to fall forward into his right eye. She instinctively went to push the hair out of his face. "Sorry, am I dripping water on you again?" he asked.

"No," she replied back softly sounding somewhat disappointed. She hadn't meant to reach out to touch his hair, but secretly she was hoping that it had had some sort of effect on him. Instead it hadn't seemed to faze him at all. He continued to exam the rest of her foot appearing to be deep in concentration. "Mr. Bates?" she asked.

"Mmmm," he responded as he rotated her foot.

"Not that I'm upset or anything…but how did you know where I lived?" she asked.

His eyes never looked up. The truth was he was fighting his feelings that he was having for her. He was worried if he looked her in the eye he wouldn't be able to take his eyes off her. "Well, thankfully when you left me at the church, you didn't leave me completely without resources," he joked and she opened her mouth a bit pretending to be offended. "Luckily, I left my cell phone in my pants. I was going to grab a taxi and head home but then I remembered you also had the keys to my place. And without my wallet I couldn't very well pay for the taxi," he explained. "I eventually remembered I had those phone numbers in my back pocket from the people at the meeting and someone eventually was able to give me your address. Then I had to wait for one of my friends from the fire house to stop by and give me a ride here. And then I came here to rescue you." He finally looked up at her and saw that she was no longer flinching in pain; instead she was doing her best to restrain a smile that was nearly stretching from ear to ear.

His hands traveled a little further up her calve and they slightly raised the pant leg of her pajama bottom. The unintentional exposure of skin made his heart beat faster in his chest and he felt as though he could feel his blood pounding in his ears. _"Keep it together man"_, he thought to himself. Aside from Robert, she was a closest thing he had to a friend and he was in no position to turn down friends. He looked up for a moment and saw her nervously grab at the nape of her neck revealing more of her skin. _"Good God in heaven, it's as if she's trying to do it on purpose."_ He let out a heavy sigh as he tried to get himself back under control. He immediately pulled the pant leg down back in place.

"Is everything alright Mr. Bates?" she asked. The sound of her voice had startled him and his hands shot back down from her calve to the heel of her foot. "Ahhhh!" she let out a groan as her face contorted once more.

"I'm sorry," he said as he quickly let go of her foot. "Well, your toe will be fine. There's no break. But I do believe you've rolled your ankle."

"What are you a doctor?" she asked half teasing, but grateful that he was there with her.

"No, but I'm a firefighter. And I've seen a lot worse than that in my line of work," he said. "You'll want to keep off of it. I'll just go gather some ice for you," he rose to get some ice from the freezer.

She watched as he carefully maneuvered himself across the wooden floor, determined not to get any water on her rugs. Anna couldn't help staring at his butt as he walked away. She immediately felt her hands fly up to her face in an attempt to cover her embarrassment when he turned the corner. _"Of course he's a firefighter. No wonder he's been saving you all damn day. It's his job,"_ she reasoned.

Her thoughts were interrupted when he called her name, "Anna, where do you keep your dish cloths?"

"Top right hand drawer next to the stove!" she called back. Her mind returned to her thoughts,_ "Anna, you are making a fool of yourself. This man is seriously trying to better himself and you are flirting shamelessly with him."_ She knew better. She was better than that. Having seen the way others had struggled to get better in the program she knew this was a dangerous game she was playing at. She tried to redirect herself back to the straight and narrow. _"You don't know this man from Adam. What would Ms. Hughes say?"_ She felt her fingers slowly drag across her face until they came to rest at the base of her jaw. She let out a large sigh and it blew a piece of her hair out of her face. She heard the rustle of the ice in the kitchen and the footsteps fast approaching. She quickly smoothed out her hair before he walked back into the room. "Find everything alright?" she asked and he smiled with a wrinkle in the corner of his eyes.

He knelt down once more and placed the ice on the side of her ankle which had just begun to swell. "I hope it's not too cold…that's why I asked for the dish cloth," he said as he had already begun to retract the cloth from her foot.

"No, it's fine," she lied. But she wanted so badly for his hand to remain on her that she gladly would have withstood the ice with or without the rag. A small shiver ran across her body as her ankle began to numb. This did not go unnoticed by John and he leaned forward with his arms out, she thought he was going to hug her and she closed her eyes anticipating the weight of him. Instead she felt a different kind of warmth surround her and she opened her eyes thoroughly surprised to see John's eyes mere inches from her face. She realized he had pulled a throw blanket that had been sitting behind her on the couch up around her shoulders.

"How's that?" he asked as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms. Anna could feel warmth circulating through her body and butterflies building in the pit of her stomach.

"Much better, thank you," she said sweetly as she pulled the blanket tighter around her. In that moment she wanted so badly to toss the blanket off, throw her arms around him, and kiss him fiercely. His head finally pulled back and he sat up straight again. The moment had passed; her conscience had gotten the better of her.

Her blue doe eyes were staring back at him and it pained him to have to leave, "I best be off now… let you get a decent night's sleep."

Anna looked at the clock; it was just past eleven, "Mr. Bates you aren't seriously thinking of trying to hail a taxi now are you?"

"Well, how else would you suggest I get my truck?" he asked.

"Might I make a proposition?" she countered and he swallowed hard. Without waiting for a response she continued, "Instead of you waiting for a cab, driving back to your truck, and then driving all the way home why don't you stay here for the night?"

Not sure he had heard her correctly, "Ma'am?"

"Well surely I can't send my hero back into the rain; you probably wouldn't get back home until well past midnight. You can stay here in the spare room and dry off… you could even take a hot shower if you like," she nearly stumbled on her words for that last part. "I could even give you a ride first thing in the morning," she reasoned.

"I don't have a change of clothes and I'm soaking wet," he said.

Anna pursed her lips together and her eye brows furrowed as she tried to find a solution to the problem. Her eye brows rose once an idea had popped into her head, "I think I have something that will fit you."

"Anna, in case you hadn't noticed I don't wear a size two and pastels aren't exactly in my color wheel," he joked.

"No, of course not. I simply meant that I have some extra clothes that my brother left behind in the closet in the spare room," she said.

John mulled it over for a moment, "That would be nice. Thank you." She began to inch herself off the couch and prepared to place all her weight on her other foot. He quickly discarded his make shift ice pack on the coffee table, "Here let me help you." In one fell swoop he lifted her off her feet, "Which way to your room?" She was so overcome with excitement that she couldn't even form words to answer back, instead she simply pointed. John slowly carried her back down the hall to her room and it took everything in her power to restrain herself from leaning her head against his shoulder. She'd simply have to settle for inhaling the last remnants of the after shave that hung on his collar.

He placed her on her bed and pulled one of the smaller decorative pillows to the end of the bed and gently lifted her foot onto it, "You'll want to keep that elevated. Now tomorrow, if you can, you'll want to put ice on it thirty minutes on and thirty minutes off whenever you can." She was enamored of him, quite frankly she didn't care what Ms. Hughes would have said. John may have had his troubles, but deep down he had a kind heart. John took the throw blanket that she had been wrapped in and went to shake it in the air once or twice to properly spread it and cover her. He leaned over her as he reached for the corners to straighten out the edges. He realized he was dangerously close to her but his intentions were honorable. In fact, he could have sworn he felt her hot breath against his ear when he went to rise again. It was enough to make his hairs stand on end.

"Mr. Bates?" she said in a voice that was no louder than a whisper.

"What is it Anna?" he asked as he looked down at her.

"I can see your armor," she joked.

John stifled a laugh, "Anna, I am no hero."

"I hope I'm not sounding too forward…but you are to me," she said as she was already beginning to drift off to sleep.

John closed his eyes as he was reminded of William. William was the last person to call him a hero. He felt a pain in his chest and his eyes filled with tears. He looked away as he went to wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm not the one you deserve though," he said regretfully as he turned his attention back to Anna. But she hadn't even heard him; she was already fast asleep.

John watched her for a moment as she slept _"What could I have possibly done to deserve such kindness from such an enchanting creature?"_ He went to pull the covers up around her neck and fought the urge to kiss her. But he made his way to the door and softly said, "Good night, Anna."

He was just about to turn off the light when he heard her mumble in a half sleep, "Good night, John." He froze in place, his hand still hovering above the light switch. She had used his first name. It was the first time since the meeting when she had been required to say it. Sure she probably wasn't even aware of it, but it set his heart afire to hear it. It had brought him back from the depression he had nearly succumbed to only moments before. John couldn't explain it, but he felt better when he was with her. He was determined not to lose that feeling or her. At that moment, John made a promise to himself that he would not allow his feelings to get in the way and ruin what they had.


	5. The Morning After

_**A/N-I know I wrote more from John's point of view on this one than I did for Anna but I wanted to show a little more of his snarky side before their next encounter. I did however throw in a little fluff in Anna's imagination to suffice for now. Next chapter will have more interaction between the two of them and will include more Downton Abbey characters. I like to incorporate a little of everyone where I can.**_

_**Disclaimer-I don't own Downton Abbey nor do I proclaim to be Julian Fellowes. If I was I'd be having Anna and Bates doing it in every nook and cranny of the Abbey.**_

**Chapter 5**

**The Morning After**

Anna awoke from her slumber having slept better than she had in months. The sun had just begun to creep in through the curtains. As she allowed her eyes to adjust to the light she remembered dreaming. She had dreamt of John. He had been sitting across from her on the couch and pulled the blankets around her. His face had been so close to hers. Anna saw the pain in his eyes; the grief etched on his face and had wanted so badly to take it all away. She wanted to protect him from whatever it was that haunted him and tell him that it was alright to laugh and smile. She wanted to show him that things could be better and that she wouldn't leave him to fend for himself.

In her dream she had thrown caution to the wind and kissed him and he had returned her love with a fervor that she had never known could exist. His hands had been all over her. The same hands that so perfectly had encased her own the day before; that had held her foot with such tenderness; that had carried her effortlessly as he cradled her in his bulging arms; and had tucked her in with such care. Anna felt her mouth getting dry just thinking about it. His hair had been so perfectly unkempt that she couldn't resist running her hands through it. Only in her dream he had groaned in pleasure when she had lightly tugged on it and pulled him closer to her. And that one loose strand that refused to be tamed had tickled across her face and chest as his lips had traveled further down. Those plump lips that had earlier been set firm in a frown were now upon her leaving her feeling hot with ecstasy as they explored her body. She had thought about trying to go back to sleep, _"But who could sleep after a dream like that?"_ Her eyes began to close as she pulled the blanket tighter around her.

Suddenly her eyes were wide open, she almost shot out of bed as she was reminded of what had happened the night before. She hobbled out to the living room on her still sore ankle and had half expected to find him sitting on the couch, waiting for her to wake up, as if it were something they had been doing for years. But he wasn't there. In fact, there was no sign he had been there at all. His shoes that had been laid neatly by the door were gone, the small track of water he had left on the floor the night before had been cleaned, the ice pack he left sitting on the coffee table was gone.

Anna walked back to the spare room and knocked lightly. After waiting a moment with no response she slowly turned the door handle. In case she was wrong she didn't want to wake him. She poked her head around the door and found the room to be just as empty as it was the day before; the bed hadn't been slept in at all. She scratched the back of her head beginning to wonder if she had dreamt the whole thing, but the pain in her foot was a nagging reminder that it had happened.

Anna sat on the bed for a while and looked around debating on if she should do something different with it. She hadn't used the room in quite some time; not since before her brother, Ethan, came to stay with her. Once Ethan was gone it had never crossed her mind to use it again. Old habits die hard; she kept expecting him to come back needing a place to stay. To come stomping down the hallway in his dirty work boots while she scolded him for not taking them off by the door. To be hogging the bathroom, while she pounded the door insisting he was going to make her late for work. The memory of it all had her laughing for a moment until she felt herself overcome with grief. Her laughter slowly faded and quickly turned to tears. Her body shook uncontrollably as the realization of just how alone she was had truly sunk in. She hadn't recognized the impact John's visit had on her until she had found out he was wasn't there. Anna hadn't allowed herself to cry over Ethan in sometime, at least not like this. Maybe it was for the best that John hadn't stayed. It would have been too much for her and she didn't want him to see her that way. She would have to settle for comforting herself with only the sounds of her sobbing to keep her company.

After a few moments she felt the tears begin to subside. As she went to wipe her eyes dry with the sleeve of her sweat shirt she noticed the closet door was slightly cracked open. Anna may not have been in Ethan's room for some time, but she knew she had not left the door that way. She crossed the room to go to the closet and opened it seeing all of his clothes still neatly hung on the hangers. She ran her fingers across the tops of the hangers and leaned in to see if she could still catch a hint of his smell on the clothes. There was still a trace of him left on his jacket. What she wouldn't give to be held in his embrace one more time. Even though he was her little brother and was a screw up at times, Ethan had always had a way of calming her and making her feel safe in his arms. She wrapped the arms of the jacket around her and felt like a hollow shell. He had left her behind, consumed with grief and guilt. And even though it had been almost two years since his death the wounds felt as fresh as they did then. She remembered how after he died she had sat on the floor of that closet for hours. Still wearing his jacket, Anna began to move on to the other end of the closet and noticed that one hanger was left empty. She couldn't even remember what had been hanging there before but she knew something was amiss and one of the shelves that held his shirts had clearly been rummaged through.

Anna's thoughts were interrupted when she heard an alarm going off in the other room. She shut the door to the closet and bedroom as she made her way to the other side of the flat. The soft beep of the alarm on the coffee pot went off and Anna slid the button into the "warm" position. She found an empty mug on the counter with a note attached.

**"Anna, I'm sorry I left so suddenly. As much as I appreciated your offer I wouldn't want you questioning my motives for staying here last night. I did however need a change of clothes; I didn't want to catch pneumonia. I'll return them as quickly as possible. I tried not to leave a mess. Enjoy your coffee –John"**

A smile began to play across her face. He was so good to her and his chivalrous efforts made him all the more irresistible. Even though there was no hidden meaning in his words she found herself staring at the note and re-reading it to herself. She could already tell that it was going to be a long day; John had already been occupying her thoughts the day before. Now that she had seen him for the man he truly was she was finding it even harder to push him from her thoughts. She sighed heavily as she began drinking her coffee. She gazed up at the calendar and counted the days, _"Three more days until the next meeting."_

* * *

John walked into the fire house with his duffel bag slung over his shoulder and shades on. He hadn't had much sleep, but he found that sometimes he performed better with less sleep. His mind was less active and he didn't think of the past as much. John may not have ranked as high as Mr. Barrow but he certainly walked with an air of confidence as if he had been there for years, and most of the men treated him as such. John was walking by the rig and inspecting it when Tom rolled out from under the fire engine on a creeper. John had just missed stepping on him and it nearly gave him a heart attack. "Jesus Branson, you trying to kill me!" he shouted.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you Bates," Tom said apologetically while trying to stifle his laughter. The look on his comrade's face was rather hilarious.

"Well, come up with a damn signal or something! Somebody is going to break their neck one of these days trying to avoid hitting you!"

"How about I whistle like I'm trying to pick up a girl?" Tom replied as he started to whistle.

John immediately leaned forward and grabbed Tom's lips with his fingers and pinched them close, "Don't press your luck today, Tommy boy."

With his lips still in John's fingers he managed to get out, "Yes sir."

"What's the matter with the old girl now?" John asked motioning toward the fire engine.

"Nothing, just doing routine maintenance," Tom answered as he slid out the rest of the way and began to rise to his feet. "Say that's a nice jacket, don't think I've ever seen you wear anything that wasn't black," Tom commented.

"Oh, it's a friend's. I'm just borrowing it," he explained. He didn't want to go into too much detail.

"Manchester United, eh…your friend has good taste," Tom said as he was about to reach out and touch the patch sewn on the front.

John quickly slapped his hand away, "Keep your grubby, monkey wrench, wielding hands to yourself!"

"Sorry," Tom said as he stared down at the monkey wrench.

John immediately regretted snapping at him. Tom Branson had been a bit like him when he first came to the firehouse; a little rough around the edges and highly opinionated. Perhaps that's why they got along so well, they weren't afraid to call each other on their bullshit. Tom had lost his wife a few years before and was now raising his daughter, Sybil on his own. John's face softened and he managed a half smile, "No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm a bit on the grouchy side. Try not to read into it," John said as he patted Tom on the back.

John began to walk away to go to his cot in his room and Tom began running up behind him, "Wait a minute." He stopped in front of John and positioned his arms to block John from going through the door, "You didn't get much sleep and you are wearing a friend's clothes that you borrowed. What were you doing last night?"

"I said not to read into it," John said as his frustration came bubbling back to the surface.

"Not until you tell me," Tom argued as he held his position in the door frame. "And don't try lying to me, you can't bullshit a bull shitter," Tom said teasingly.

Jimmy and Alfred had been standing nearby watching this play out between the two men that were squabbling like brothers. The two probies were already placing bets. "My money's on Branson," Jimmy said, "he's got youth on his side."

"Well, my money's on Bates. He's got a lot of rage," Alfred said.

"You're only picking Bates because he's your supervisor," Jimmy accused as he shoved Alfred.

"Nuh uh!" Alfred argued as he pushed Jimmy back.

"Go ahead kiss ass, go save you're precious Mr. Bates," Jimmy teased.

"Look who's talking. This coming from Mr. Barrow's lackey," Alfred countered.

Tom continued to question John and the two hadn't even noticed the verbal altercation going on between the two young charges. "Branson, I'll break your damn arm if you don't move it," John threatened playfully, "now bugger off."

"What in God's name is going on down there?" a voice boomed from the upstairs office.

"You see what you did?" John asked not waiting for Tom to answer. "You pissed him off. Now I'm gonna be pissed off. And it's going to come back to you…you just wait and see. It's gonna be a chain of screaming."

"Alright that's just about enough of that," Mr. Carson said as he pushed Tom's arm down. "Mr. Bates, I see you've rejoined the ranks."

"Yes, Mr. Carson," John replied.

"Well, don't dawdle man. Put your bags in your quarters, change into your uniform," Carson instructed him.

John hated being talked down to in front of the younger boys. He knew it was Mr. Carson's job to manage the station but he didn't need the boys in the station thinking little of him. Just to prove a point, John lingered for a bit before heading upstairs, "You got something against Manchester United, Mr. Carson?"

"Mr. Bates, you know the rules…the only team we pull for in this house is our own. And some days I fear that even that is asking too much," he said as he looked over at Jimmy and Alfred. The boys immediately straightened up and stood at attention.

"Just say the words and I'll go," John said as he took his sun glasses off.

John stared the man down a little longer and he raised an eye brow at Mr. Carson, "Mr. Bates you know I root for Manchester whenever given the chance."

John responded with a small fist pump, it was the little victories over Mr. Carson that he cherished the most. "Just checking," Mr. Bates said with a knowing smile, "I'll be in my quarters if anyone needs me."

* * *

After putting his bag away and changing into his uniform John hung the jacket with care inside the poor excuse for a closet. Even with his small collection of bathroom supplies there was barely room for the jacket in the closet. John pulled one of the department polo shirts over his head and finished unrolling it down the front of his stomach before tucking it into his work pants.

John laid down to rest on the cot but found that he could not sleep. He had always slept better in the firehouse than he had anywhere else. He could never make sense of it; especially since the beds were worse here than any other bed he had ever laid eyes on. Perhaps it was the constant smell of smoke that hung on most of the clothes and equipment in the building; it reminded him of being out in the field or even his glory days in the military when he was on the battlefield. It was a familiar, comforting smell. But not as comforting as the smell of jasmine and honey; of that he was sure.

Anna had been occupying his thoughts all day. He had done his best to keep himself at bay the night before and he managed to get out of there keeping her honor and his own intact. John couldn't help but think of how she had placed her hands on his hair and he did his best to ignore it, but now it was all he could think of. He remembered how she had been swimming in her oversized sweat shirt and when she had moved her hand to the nape of her neck it had slid down the side exposing her shoulder and her bra strap. John had been around and had seen many things that he would dare not share with anyone, but that little peek of bra strap had aroused him more than any of those things ever had. He wasn't even sure she had noticed it was exposed because the sweater hung there for what felt like ages and she never once tried to cover it up.

She hadn't known it but he had caught a glimpse of her from the kitchen when he went to grab the ice. He had been ready to give up on trying to find a dish cloth and when he went to ask for help he saw her fidgeting nervously like a love struck teenager. That's when he suspected she was falling for him. And his suspicions were confirmed when she had allowed his name to escape her lips in her sleep. He was flattered that she was falling for him as much as he was for her. But, when she had called him her hero he knew he was done for; even if they were never more than friends he knew he would never love another as he loved her. She saw what she wanted to see. She saw what he wanted to see. And even if he couldn't see it now, he would settle for seeing it through her eyes. "That would be enough" he said to himself quietly before rolling over and closing his eyes.


	6. Wrestling with Doubts & Demons

**A/N-So I may have one more chapter posted up this weekend before my trip to New York. Again sorry if I seemed to focus on John, but at the moment I think he's got more to deal with than Anna. But I promise the next chapter will show them together. **

**Also, a few reviewers questioned me about the anonymity rules of the program for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I welcome these questions, I guess I should have mentioned this sooner. I've never been to a meeting and I only know one person who has. I looked up the rules online and apparently each group has their 12 steps but they can manage themselves freely; there really is no rules across the board for how they choose to treat themselves within their own groups. So for the sake of argument going forward, lets just say that members are able to acknowledge each others names however they please so long as they aren't disclosing the names/identities of those people to outsiders. Any other questions or reviews are welcome. I've loved the feedback so far, glad you all are enjoying this as much as I am.**

**Disclaimer-I still own nothing. I wish I did. I'd love to work with the fine actors and writers for this show. **

**Chapter 6**

**Wrestling with Doubts & Demons**

"Anna, are you even listening?" Gwen asked as she waved her hand in front of Anna's face.

"What? Oh I'm so sorry Gwen," Anna responded, "It was a rough weekend."

"Is it Ethan?" Gwen asked in a hushed voice.

"Yeah," Anna answered as her eyes lowered back to the pile of papers sitting on the table. She didn't want to look up at Gwen. She knew if she did she would see pity in her eyes and Anna knew it would only trigger more tears. The last thing she needed was to cry more than she had this weekend. Instead she just continued to push her untouched food around on the plate.

"Anything I can do to cheer you up?" Gwen offered before taking another bite of her salad.

"Let's just not speak of it anymore," Anna said and Gwen nodded in acknowledgement. "How was your weekend?"

"Well Saturday I spent the afternoon making lesson plans for the year. Thankfully as a private school we aren't subjected to nearly as many budget cuts. But we still have to pretend to act responsibly with the money," Gwen said. "I went out with the girls Saturday night though and met a dishy guy. His name is Peter. I think he may be boyfriend material."

"Oh yeah?" Anna said trying to be interested in what Gwen was saying. After all Gwen had been there many times to hear her vent and cry, the least she could do was be excited for her friend.

"Yeah, you should have come. Ivy and Ethel even met two blokes that weren't half bad," Gwen said trying to drop the hint that Anna needed to get out more.

"Ethel always meets a bloke, that's nothing new," Anna said and the two broke into a fit of laughter. "I suppose it's no surprise she volunteered to teach the sex education classes when Lavinia Swire left." The two laughed some more and tried their best to muffle their laughter so as not to disturb the other teachers in the room.

Gwen had been Anna's friend since they were teenagers. Gwen had worked as a school administrator and when an opportunity for a teaching position had opened up she had immediately recommended Anna for the job. Anna's good heart and her love for children immediately made her a favorite among the students at Grantham Prepatory Academy; even for the children that weren't in her class. She had been working at the academy for the last five years. Gwen had been with her at the school when Anna got the call about Ethan. Her poor friend had been reduced to tears in the teachers' lunchroom. It was Gwen who had brought her back from the brink of depression; not many people knew Anna's strength and resilience as well as Gwen. The only other person who had was no longer living. Since Ethan's death Anna had only lived for two things: her students and the AA meetings. Gwen had given up on trying to get Anna to go out; sure she would ask every once in a while but she always got the same old answer, "I'm not up for that yet."

Attempting to change the subject Gwen asked, "How did the meeting go on Friday?"

"It was…different," Anna answered and a smile crept across her face.

Gwen paused, detecting the change in Anna's tone of voice. She had heard Anna describe the meeting as a lot of things, but "different" was not one of them. She was intrigued, "What was so different about it?"

Anna was already losing the ability to focus; her mind was running wild with thoughts of John. "What?" Anna asked returning to their conversation.

"Oh my God!" Gwen exclaimed as she playfully slapped Anna's hand.

"What?" Anna asked looking confused.

"You met someone," Gwen accused. She scooted closer to Anna, "Start from the beginning. Tell me everything. Don't leave anything out."

"It's not like that…" Anna said and she was quickly interrupted by Gwen.

"Don't deny me this Anna. I haven't had a good, juicy conversation with you about a man in months," Gwen said. Anna attempted to shush her friend so as not to draw the attention of all the teachers in the cafeteria. "Ok what's his name?" Gwen asked.

"I can't tell you that," Anna said.

"Oh, a man of mystery!" Gwen exclaimed, "Does, he have a Facebook? Twitter? You can find things on anybody these days." Gwen said as she busted out her iphone.

"No, well yes, I mean he is a mysterious man. But, I can't tell you because it would be breaking the rules of the program," Anna said.

"So he's in the program?" Gwen asked. Anna's silence was enough to answer her question. "Why Anna May Smith? Who knew you liked to take a walk on the wild side?" Gwen said playfully. "I didn't know you were into the bad boys."

"He's not a 'bad' boy, Gwen," Anna said defensively, "misunderstood perhaps…but not bad."

"Oh man Anna; you've got it bad," Gwen stated.

"What makes you say that?" Anna asked.

Gwen was just about to answer when the Ethel set her tray down at the table, "What's this? Hushed tones? Guilt ridden eyes? Who and what are we talking about?"

"Anna's got herself a new man," Gwen gloated. Anna shot her a scornful look. It wasn't so much that she didn't want them to know about John; but she knew she couldn't share anything with them.

"Shut up! Where did you meet him?" Ethel said.

"At one of her meetings," Gwen answered for Anna and she could tell Anna was getting upset when she looked over at her friend. "But she can't share, because of the rules of the program."

"Honestly, Anna do the rules even apply to you? I mean you're not even in the program," Ethel pointed out.

Anna had never thought of that. She knew members were not supposed to interact on a romantic level with one another, but there wasn't anything that forbids them from dating non-members. Although she knew if Ms. Hughes had anything to say about it, she would say that "People are here to focus on fixing themselves not finding a relationship". As much as she was falling for John, Anna didn't want to do anything that would set his progress back.

Realizing that both ladies were now staring at her awaiting her answer Anna said, "It doesn't matter. I don't think he likes me that way anyway." Anna began to gather her papers and picked up her tray, "I should get back to my classroom; lunch is almost over."

The two watched as their friend ran off without even saying "Goodbye". Ethel looked over at Gwen and asked, "Was it something I said?"

* * *

John had done just about every chore he could think of around the fire house to keep himself busy. Twice he was left standing in the garage as he watched the guys ride off without him and he felt like a useless schmuck waiting for them to come back. Watching them leave without him was almost as depressing as sitting at home doing nothing. But he knew he had brought this on himself; he should have gotten the help Robert had suggested years ago. Even before William's untimely death he had been a ticking time bomb. The bonds of brotherhood that the firehouse offered had only pacified his demons and the steady prescription of pain pills kept him in a fog when he wasn't on the clock. It was only now, while he was sober, that he realized just how much he had been missing out on while under their influence.

_"Idle hands are the devil's playthings,"_ he remembered his mother saying. Determined not to be a disappointment to her, he threw himself into cleaning every nook and cranny of the fire house. The combination of chemicals and the vigor with which he scrubbed had caused the skin on his fingers to crack and bleed. It hurt at first, but John kept on, it was good to feel again. He had forgotten what being completely sober felt like. He moved on to the bathrooms and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror while cleaning the sinks, _"Have I really allowed myself to deteriorate like this?"_ The stubble on his cheeks made him look older; he had bags under his eyes from not getting a decent night's sleep in years; and bits of grey were poking out around his temples. He looked in the reflection of the mirror a little harder and saw the bathroom stalls behind him. John ran back to his quarters and removed the small bottle from his duffle bag. He returned to the bathroom and absolved to dump the last of his pain pills. With a shaky hand he let go of the last of his ailments and flushed them down the toilet. Standing there alone, John allowed a single tear to fall down his cheek. He let out a sigh of relief and felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. He had done it.

A few hours later John found himself in unfamiliar territory cooking dinner for the lads. It was a chore he would usually pay Alfred to do because he wasn't very good at it. But, he was now making the effort to do what he thought _she_ would want him to do. Maybe one day he could cook something for her as a way of repaying her for her generosity. As he stood at the stove stirring the sauce in the pan he thought to himself, _"Anna would be so proud of me."_ He hadn't even touched alcohol or cigarettes since the night before his trial. The later was proving to be more of a challenge; John had sucked on so many peppermints in an attempt to curb his cravings for a smoke that he had made himself sick to his stomach.

As he nursed a bottle of ginger ale he tried to imagine what it might be like to be with her; to share a life with Anna. A small smirk crossed his face and he quickly dismissed the thought. _"What would she want with an old guy like me?" _Remembering back to when he had been in the bathroom he rubbed the stubble on his chin and reminded himself he needed a shave before the next meeting; and a haircut probably wouldn't hurt either. "_A young, pretty woman like her needs someone that has their shit together. Not some rolling stone that can't even be bothered to keep a house. She's got her whole life ahead of her and probably wants to start a family."_ John wasn't opposed to family or children, but after the way things had ended with his last wife he just didn't see it in the cards for himself anymore. He knew it would never happen; after all she was much younger than him and pure of heart. _"But hey a guy can dream can't he?"_

John pictured coming home from a three day stay at the fire house and having her awaiting his return. Her beaming smile that unexplainably put him at ease would be shining back at him. Anna would envelop him in her arms and kiss him like a war-bound soldier. She'd probably have something cooking on the stove; something better than what he was simmering right now. In his mind, she would jump up into his arms and wrap her legs around his waist. He'd prop her up on the counter top, freeing his hands to pull his shirt off and allow his skin to feel her own. The spices that had been sitting on the counter would have been left in disarray while he conquered her mouth with his tongue and nibbled at her collar bone. She would have driven him to the brink of madness with her irresistible kisses and soft fingers running through his hair before anchoring themselves at the back of his neck. Her hands roaming the lengths of his body and moving as if they had a mind of their own; he wouldn't be able to wait to carry her to their bedroom. In the end they would have settled for making love on the couch. Her hot breath was on his ear; saying his name softly, over and over in a flood of euphoria. It wasn't until they had finished making love that they would notice Anna had forgotten to turn off the oven and that dinner had burnt. It was so real in his mind that John could almost smell the smoke.

"Lieutenant Bates!" Alfred screamed as he went to move the pan from the fire. "You trying to set this place on fire?!"

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry," John apologized. "My mind just got away from me."

Alfred stared at the burnt sauce and smelled it for a moment, "No amount of seasoning will save that." The corners of John's mouth turned in dismay; he had really liked Alfred and admired him for his time in the military. But since William's death he found it hard to get closer to his young charge. "We can go back to you paying me to make dinner and pretend it's yours," Alfred offered.

"No, I think I ought to be saving my money," John said as he tossed the contents of the pan in the sink to start over again. Alfred looked disappointed that John had not taken him up on his offer or even said "thank you". But he had been warned since day one, Bates was a tough man to crack. No matter how much John had tried to push others away Alfred was like a lost puppy just looking for acceptance and attention, but not in a vain way like James. James had hitched his star to Thomas's wagon and John would be damned if he had another Thomas walking around this fire house. That was motivation enough for him to start being nicer to Alfred. "Have you mastered all the knots yet?" John asked as he motioned to a piece of rope that Alfred had been fooling with at the table earlier.

"Not yet," Alfred answered solemnly.

"Well, unless you plan on becoming head chef in this fire house I suggest you get back to learning that. If I ever need you to save my ass in a fire I'd rather know you can tie all those knots than know how to save burnt sauce," John said with a smile. He watched as Alfred paced back to the chair with his head hung in shame. John rolled his eyes and shook his head at what he was about to say, "Tell you what…pull up a stool. You can come help me with the food and I'll help you run drills with the knots."

"Really?" Alfred asked, his eyes lit up and his smile stretched from ear to ear.

"Really," John replied with a wink.

Alfred sidled up beside John on the stool and began working the rope again. John noticing he was already tangling himself in it, "Exactly what knot are you trying to do Houdini?"

"I was trying to do the bowline," Alfred said.

Before starting the next batch of sauce John stood in front of Alfred and held his hand out, "Give it here." Alfred wasted no time in handing the rope over and John realized the young man looked intimidated. John attempted to soften his voice before giving further instructions, "Don't look at the book anymore, it's all about muscle memory." John's hands fluidly tied the knot just as it had been in the book, "Picture what you want instead of trying to memorize the steps." He handed it back to Alfred and the young man nodded in agreement as he took the rope from John. John watched as Alfred began working through the steps without looking at the book and John smiled with pride. When Alfred held up his accomplishment waiting for approval John said, "Say. That ain't half bad. Pretty soon you'll be able to tie it with one hand like me." Alfred smiled back at John and a flash back of William popped in his head. John had to look away for a moment to compose himself.

The two men went about their business while Alfred practiced some more. Alfred looked as though he wanted to ask something but he hesitated for awhile. He took one look around the kitchen to make sure none of the other guys had walked in the room and Alfred finally got the courage to ask, "So who's the girl?"

John's eyes widened, "What?"

"You looked like you were day dreaming earlier, but you looked…I don't know…happy," Alfred said.

"Do I not normally look happy?" John asked in a condescending tone.

Alfred swallowed hard before answering honestly, "No."

John frowned for a bit, "Well how do you know it's a girl?"

"Not too many guys day dream and start smiling like that unless they are thinking about a girl," Alfred explained. "Besides, I heard Branson grilling you the other day." John averted his eyes away from Alfred and pretended to focus on making the sauce again. Alfred paused before saying anything more. This was the most conversation he had gotten out of John since he first started in the fire house and he didn't want to risk upsetting him, "She must be pretty special."

John's eyes lit up at the mere mention of her, "Yeah, she is pretty special."


	7. A Cry For Help

**A/N: I hope this reads ok. I've known a couple of people that have experienced this but I have never experienced it myself. This one has a little more of Anna. And we finally get a scene with them together again. I already have the next chapter in process. So I'll try to post while I'm on vacation, but if not you all will have to wait until Saturday. Again reviews are always welcome and suggestions too. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 7**

**A Cry for Help**

John had been sitting in the waiting room for thirty minutes. He had already flipped through the same People magazine five times. The lady at the front desk had told him the doctor was running a little bit late, but this was bordering on unreasonable. Twice he had thought about walking out, but reminded himself that his career hinged on him being here and taking it seriously. A couple times he caught himself looking at the lady behind the counter and she smiled back. It wasn't the first time he had seen her; he had been here twice before. But this was the first time that he felt no attraction towards her. Not wanting to give her the wrong impression he looked in the other direction; although she was pretty, he immediately realized he was comparing her to Anna…and she was no Anna. John was becoming anxious and his foot was tapping uncontrollably. He had hoped that he would find a way to discourage Anna without ruining their friendship; perhaps the doctor could help him with that. God only knew he couldn't talk to anyone else about Anna without them mistaking his reason for attending the AA meetings.

"Mr. Bates?" the receptionist called out. John snapped out of his thoughts and his foot instantly ceased moving. He looked up at the woman whom he had been staring at earlier, "Welcome back. The doctor will see you now." John took a deep breath and let it out slowly before rising and following her back to the doctor's office.

John stepped into the doctor's office and was greeted by a kind, elderly looking man. "Ah, Mr. Bates. Good to see you again," he greeted as he rose from his chair and extended his hand.

John chose to forego the hand shake and took a seat across from the doctor's chair. "Dr. Clarkson," he answered coldly.

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Clarkson asked.

John took another deep breath as he chose his words carefully. He hadn't even been aware that his foot had begun tapping again until he saw Dr. Clarkson staring at it. He stopped his leg from shaking and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "How am I feeling?" he asked and the doctor nodded his head. "Well, let's see, I've been waiting in the lobby for almost a half hour now when I was told the appointment was supposed to be at ten." Dr. Clarkson now noticed that his hands were shaking.

"Yes, I apologize for that Mr. Bates. An appointment ran longer than I thought it would. One of my patients really needed my help," Dr. Clarkson explained.

"I really need your help!" John shot back with an anger that surprised himself. John immediately regretted the outburst; he didn't want Dr. Clarkson to say anything to the judge that would force him to give up his job. He tried to calm his nerves as he settled back into the chair.

Dr. Clarkson put his two hands together and paused for a moment, "Well, I'm happy to hear that. I'm going to be honest this was a test." Dr. Clarkson said.

A wave of confusion crossed his face and he felt betrayed, "What?"

"This is the most interaction I've gotten from you the last two times you came in to my office. I wasn't sure you were taking your recovery seriously. You've wasted two hours of my time now. So I made you sweat it out a bit in the lobby," Dr. Clarkson said. "I'm glad to see you are able to admit you need help now." John stared blankly at him for a while, "So, how are you feeling John?"

"I…I feel…like…I feel like shit" John finally broke down. The tears kept coming and he couldn't even begin to explain why. Dr. Clarkson moved forward in his chair to put a hand on his knee and try to comfort him. "I can't remember the last time I got more than 3 hours of sleep," he said as he choked back tears, "I've been battling withdrawals for the past week on my own and it's been causing my hands to shake violently." John held his hands out to show the doctor how his hands were shaking and when he couldn't get them to stop he threw his hands up to his eyes and tried to wipe away the tears.

"John," Dr. Clarkson said his name as he tried to get his attention. "John, focus," Dr. Clarkson said as he tried to get John to look him in the eye. "What kind of withdrawals?" he asked calmly.

"Uh, alcohol, cigarettes, and Vicodin," John rattled off. He was now visibly sweating on his brow and upper lip. He ran his fingers through his hair and Dr. Clarkson went to grab him a bottle of water from the small refrigerator in his office. "I lost a partner on the job and can't seem to get past it. I may lose my job if I can't make our weekly visits work." John felt out of breath and the room began to spin out of control.

"John, you are experiencing an anxiety attack. Try to take a deep breath. Think of something positive," Dr. Clarkson instructed.

"I can't…I can't," John said his hands were now visibly clutching the arms of the chair. His knuckles were turning white and his heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest.

Dr. Clarkson opened the cap of the bottle and handed it to John as he said, "Find a happy place. Picture somewhere you like to go when you need…."

"Don't you get it?!" John interrupted as he knocked the water bottle from Dr. Clarkson's hands. "I can't! Nothing positive ever happens to me!" John shouted and the minute he heard the words leave his mouth the anxiety began to subside. Dr. Clarkson picked up the bottle that had begun to spill out on the carpet. "I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," John said apologetically.

"It's okay," Dr. Clarkson reassured. "John, normally I would prescribe Clonidine to someone experiencing withdrawal symptoms of Vicodin. But I'm afraid, with you past, you would be running the risk of becoming dependent on these pills as well," Dr. Clarkson said.

"I understand," John said as he felt his breathing returning back to normal. The shake of his hand was still persistent but he felt it begin to slow as well.

"John? What did you think of just now that made you calm down?" Dr. Clarkson asked.

"What?" John asked. He had not realized this episode was beginning to pass.

"What were you thinking of just now?" Dr. Clarkson asked again. John shied away for a moment not sure he should answer the question. "John, anything you say in here is strictly between you and me. I promise to do everything I can to get you back on the rig, but I need you to be open with me," he tried to reassure. "John? Please tell me. It may help you in the future," Dr. Clarkson said.

"I thought of Anna," he said. And the moment he said her name he felt relief wash over him.

"Who's Anna?" Dr. Clarkson asked.

* * *

Anna had arrived early at the AA meeting the next day and had already driven around the church once hoping to spot John. She thought she might be able to catch him early to thank him for helping her the other day and cleaning up after himself; but there was no sign of him. She waited in her car for him to arrive until five minutes before the meeting and then finally decided to go in. Anna began to walk in carrying the snacks and drinks same as before. She kept on expecting John to walk around the corner and offer to help her or hold the door open for her. When she heard footsteps rushing up behind her she had to calm herself; not wanting to seem to eager. As she turned around she was disappointed to find that it was Mr. Molesley that was there to help her. "Good evening Anna," he said sounding hopeful.

Anna always felt badly that she couldn't reciprocate the feelings that Mr. Molesley had for her. He was a nice man, of that she was certain. He wasn't the most attractive, but she had learned from Ethel's experience that looks did not always make for an ideal match. Before Ethan's death, Anna's mother had been at Anna to settle down and had attempted to play match maker. But none of the men her mother had suggested had held Anna's fancy. She had always imagined that when she met the man she was to marry it would be kismet and not something that had been arranged or forced upon her. After Ethan's death Anna's mother hardly spoke at all and when she did she never spoke to her of marriage; it was as if she had given up on Anna. Anna had to wonder if her mother knew of Mr. Molesley; would she have insisted Anna put aside her foolish hopes and dreams for the "perfect" man and take up with him. She knew one thing for sure; her mother would not want her settling down with John Bates.

"Anna, are you alright?" he asked.

"Oh, sorry Mr. Molesley, yes I'm fine," she said.

"I'm surprised Mr. Bates isn't helping you," he said as he tried to gage her response. "Where is he tonight?" he asked as he helped take the drinks from her and carried them in.

"I was just wondering the same thing," she replied. Only this time she looked like she was a million miles away and she seemed lost.

Mr. Molesley helped set the drinks and snacks down at the table. He had hoped for more conversation from the woman that he loved with his whole heart. But he should have known better, after the last two years of seeing each other twice a week he had gotten no further with her than the first day he met her. He noticed that she couldn't stop looking at the door and when she wasn't busy checking the door she went through the motions in silence. It was very out of character for Anna. Once the drinks and snacks had been set out he grabbed a small plate and placed a few cookies on it and offered her the plate. She politely declined and he asked, "Would you like me to save you a seat? Or will you be sitting in the same spot as last week?"

Anna's eyes scanned the room and checked the door one more time. John had still not arrived, _"I wonder where he is. I hope he's alright. I hope he didn't relapse." _ Anna knew all too well the ramifications and consequences of a relapse. It left a bitter taste in her mouth and she felt her eyes begin to fill with tears. She closed her eyes and shook her head as she tried to remove the thought from her mind. She finally looked back at Mr. Molesley and forced a smile, "I guess I'll sit with you tonight. I could use a friend."

Anna had just taken her seat when Ms. Hughes entered the room and said, "Welcome back everybody." As everyone went through the usual introductions Anna stared blankly at the spot where John had been sitting only last week. She felt sick to her stomach with worry. At the mention of his name her ears perked up and she sat at attention, "Some of you may have noticed Mr. Bates is not with us tonight. We hope to have him back by next week." Ms. Hughes continued with the meeting but Anna was too busy thinking about John to fully pay attention.

* * *

After the meeting, Mr. Molesley offered to wait for Anna but she insisted she wanted to speak privately with Ms. Hughes. It was the first time he had seen her like her old self all night. Anna waited for the room to clear and slowly stacked the chairs as the last person walked out. She smiled to herself as she remembered the last time when she had been tidying up with John; no words were exchanged but they had felt so comfortable in each other's presence. She was just about to speak when Ms. Hughes beat her to the punch, "Alright Ms. Smith, out with it."

"What?" Anna said.

"As long as I've known you, you've always had something to say. But this has got to be the longest you've ever gone without saying a single word," Ms. Hughes said with a kind smile. Had it been anyone else Anna would have denied it, but the older woman had been like a second mother to Anna. She had been a source of strength and comfort to Anna after Ethan's death; especially when Anna's mother was unable to be the mother she needed. "This wouldn't have anythin to do with Mr. Bates would it?"

"Wha…how did…how did you know?" Anna asked.

"Anna, I've been watchin you all night. You stare could have bore a hole in that seat over there." Ms. Hughes said as she pointed toward the chair that had been left open for Mr. Bates.

"Is he ok? That's all I want to know?" she asked. Her voice was noticeably shaking and she couldn't seem to look up from the floor as she waited for a response. "You don't even have to tell me why he isn't here. I just want to make sure he's alright," Anna pleaded.

Ms. Hughes debated whether or not to share anything about Mr. Bates with Anna. It wasn't that she didn't trust the young woman, but she could tell Anna was getting attached to Mr. Bates. After observing their earlier interaction the week before she could tell the feeling was mutual. She didn't want to encourage them to do something that would derail Mr. Bates efforts to get sober, but she had to admit they appeared to be better off together than apart. "Anna, Mr. Bates, is struggling with his recovery. He was too sick to come in tonight. I can't give all the details but I think he could really use a friend right now. I got the impression he doesn't really have anyone to help him," she explained.

Anna looked visibly upset by this; she had gotten the same impression too. She had hoped she had been wrong about this. Now that she was hearing that someone else felt the same only made her feel more sorry for him. "I had offered to stop by to visit with him after tonight's meeting," Anna suddenly looked hopeful and held her breath as she waited to hear what else she had to say, "but I don't think he's in the mood for visitors right now."

"I see. Well thanks for letting me know," Anna said as she began to grab her bag.

"You know Anna…something tells me he wouldn't mind a visit from you," Ms. Hughes said with a raised eyebrow.

Anna blushed a little bit and tried her best to conceal a smile, "Unfortunately, I don't know how to contact him."

"Well, then you came to the right person," Ms. Hughes said with a knowing look.

* * *

Anna walked up to the hotel room door and listened for a moment to see if anyone was inside. She almost contemplating turning right around and leaving. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him or hadn't been thinking about him all day; but she didn't want him to feel that she was pressuring him. She took a look around to survey her surroundings, it wasn't a horrible place but wasn't anywhere she would ever want to call home. She definitely wouldn't want to be staying somewhere like this on her own. She knew then that she had to be brave and go through with it. To hell with it if he was upset that she showed up and got the address from Ms. Hughes. No one deserved to struggle through something like this on their own.

Anna knocked on the door and thought she heard some shuffling around inside, then she heard his voice, "The room doesn't need cleaning !" Anna was too afraid to speak, the voice that boomed from the other side of the door was most definitely John's, but he didn't sound like himself. She knocked once more, "Dammit I said…" the door flung open and John was standing in front of her in boxers and without a shirt on, "I don't need…uh…Anna." Anna just stared blankly back at him. He looked like a mess: he hadn't shaved in days, his hair was disheveled like he just rolled out of bed, and his eyes were glassy and bloodshot. "What are you …what are you doing here?" he asked as he stepped outside for a bit and closed the door behind him just enough to keep the appearance of the room hidden.

"You weren't at the meeting," she said. Even though he was more exposed now than he was four days earlier in her apartment she wasn't having trouble keeping her eyes fixed on his own. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok." John was taken aback by her response. Other than Robert, no one had ever gone out of their way to make sure he was alive and well. He felt ashamed and embarrassed that she had to find him in this state; he hung his head in shame and stood staring at her feet. When he finally looked up at her he didn't see judgment in her eyes; he saw concern and compassion. She was dressed in a simple pink t-shirt and jeans but she looked positively gorgeous. A few soft curls in her hair framed her face and her eyes seemed a lighter shade of blue, almost like crystals. Her lips seemed to purse together slightly and she shifted her weight from one hip to the other as she studied him and waited for him to react. But John was at a loss for words. "So… are you?" Anna asked.

"Sorry?" he replied.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "You look like you're sick."

"Yeah, I'm…uh…I'm battling a sickness of sorts," he said. But he regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. He didn't want to lie to her and he supposed there was no point in covering it up. Part of his recovery was that he had to own up to his actions and he was trying to be more open and honest with others. As much as he was in love with her, he didn't think it fair to give her false hope and letting her think that he was someone worth being with. Maybe he should do as Doctor Clarkson had suggested and lay it all out on the table. Let her be the judge of whether or not she wanted to continue to be friends with him…or even something more.

"Do you need anything?" she asked. "I mean do you need me to pick you up medicine or food?" she asked.

The mere mention of food made his stomach churn and he grimaced a little, "No definitely not medicine, that's what got me in this position in the first place," he said and Anna's eye brows furrowed together in confusion. "You, you should go Anna," he said, "I appreciate you stopping by but…you need to go home." She noticed his hand began to shake and John ever the prideful person slammed his hand against the door frame in an effort to cease the tremor. The sound of his hand against the wood made her jump a little and she looked scared for a moment.

Anna Smith was never one to back down and she recognized a cry for help when she saw one. She would not be discouraged by his outburst. "I only wanted to help," she said in a raised voice.

"Some people can't be helped!" he shot back at her. He hadn't meant to yell at her, it was the withdrawals. The mood swings were becoming more and more violent. Dr. Clarkson had told him he would need to get through a week before it was fully out of his system. And what a hellish week it had been. "You can't just come breezing in here, say a few words of encouragement and hope that things just go back to normal!" he shouted. He saw tears began to fill her eyes and he wanted so badly to take back the things he said, to hold her in his arms, and wipe away her tears. But the anger and hurt that had gone unexpressed all this time was bubbling to the surface. It was as if he had no control over his emotions any more. He had to walk away before he said something more that he would not be able to take back.

John turned around and began to walk back into the hotel room. He left the door cracked open a bit as he began to slump down on the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair to push it out of his eyes and stare at his hands that hung between his knees. Attempting to stop the shaking again he formed a fist with one and used the other to encase it. He squeezed so tight that his knuckles began to turn white again.

Ann still stood just outside the door, she didn't know who that man was that was yelling at her like a lunatic but it wasn't the John she knew. She finally thought, _"To hell with it."_ She forced the door open and stomped across the room until she was standing in front of him. John looked up at her and could immediately sense the shift in her attitude. "You think I don't know that!" she screamed back. She waited for a response but when she realized he had none she continued, "I don't know what happened to you that brought you to that meeting last week John, but you aren't the only one that's experienced something bad in their life." He stared up at her like a child that was being lectured and looked everywhere but at her face. "Believe me there is no one that wishes more that things could go back to normal," she said and a single tear finally spilled over. He wasn't sure what she meant by that, but he knew she wasn't talking about what was happening between the two of them. She kneeled down in front of him as he had for her before and she grabbed his shaking hands and placed a kiss in both of his palms. He felt warmth and calmness sweeping over him, the shaking began to subside. "Let me help you. I promise I won't tell anyone," she said softly. Anna telling people what he was going through was the least of his worries; it was her knowing what he was going through that scared him. He didn't want to lose her to something that he couldn't get a hold on or stop. John let out a huge sigh of relief, "Tell me John. Tell me how I can help you."

The sound of his name coming from her lips set him at ease and for the first time since she came here she saw hope in his eyes. "I'm detoxing," he said. Anna didn't appear fazed or disturbed by this revelation. Anna nodded her head as she waited for him to say more, "I haven't had a drink in almost two weeks." She was relieved he hadn't gone back to the bottle, but she didn't want to make too big of a deal about it. John struggled for a moment to say the next part, "And…well…I haven't taken any Vicodin for the last five days." He knew he had better apologize to her before she had enough of him; regardless of the reasons. "I'm sorry for my outburst before. I haven't gotten more than a few hours' sleep in the last few days because I keep having panic attacks," he explained. "Dr. Clarkson said that's normal for people going through withdrawals." He swallowed hard as he waited for her to walk out the door, but she didn't. She continued to sit in front of him and was staring sweetly back at him, just listening to all his problems.

"What else did he say?" she asked.

"He said I could expect muscle cramping, shortness of breath, restlessness, and vomiting," he said. _"If there was ever a time to run for the door it was now," _he thought to himself. But her next question surprised him.

"And have you had any of that?"

He was embarrassed to admit it, but she was sticking around after all, "Yeah all of it. But I haven't been sick to my stomach since two days ago."

"When's the last time you ate John?" she asked.

"Five days ago," he admitted sheepishly. She looked upset with him for not taking better care of him, "I tried, but I just kept getting sick. I gave up trying after a while."

He noticed his hand had stopped shaking and when he looked down he noticed she was tracing small circles on his palms with her thumbs. _"How long has she been doing that?" _It felt good and he felt his heart was falling into the rhythm of her motions. His eyes were almost half-lidded as he began to feel very sleepy. Anna stood up again and eased him back onto the bed as she pulled the blankets over him. "I'll be right back," she said.

His eyes were wide open now and he grabbed at her wrist, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to let you get some sleep and I'm going to go get you some food," she said as she laid a kiss on his forehead. "You can rest easy now," she whispered, "I'm not going anywhere John." She stood there for a moment stroking her fingers through his hair with her free hand until he fell back asleep.


	8. Revelations Pt1

**_A/N- Sorry for the delay on this chapter guys. I was on vacation in New York last week and the time change has not been kind to my sleep schedule. Also I had to do a bit of research on this one to make this chapter believable. Luckily I have three fire fighters in my family so I had no problem getting some accurate information from them. All in the name of Banna! Hopefully I didn't get too technical on you guys. I look forward to the reviews and any suggestions you may have. We are finally chipping away at Anna's secret and getting to the bottom of Ethan's story. More to be revealed in time. _**

**_Disclaimer-I own nothing. Julian Fellowes and his minions deserve all credit for the creation and portrayal of the these characters on Downton Abbey._**

**_Chapter 8_**

**_Revelations Pt.1_**

It was pitch black and the room was filled with smoke and flames. John could barely see his hand in front of him. He remained low to the ground and could still make out the floor and the walls that lined the room. John heard the floor boards creaking beneath him and he felt a rumble travel through the room; like the ground was ready to crumble beneath him. He knew he didn't have much time and he'd have to get out soon. A voice came over the radio in John's face piece, "John, the building is giving way! The whole team has been ordered to get out. Stand down and get the hell out of there!"

"Help!" a small voice cried in the distance.

"Afraid that's not going to be a possibility Chief. There is someone still trapped in here!" John screamed out over the sound of fire alarms still going off in the building.

Robert's voice replied back, "You're on the eleventh floor! Even if you get to them you won't get out in time!"

"Not without help," another voice came over the radio. The voice echoed from behind John and he turned around to find William standing there.

"Is that Mason?" Robert asked.

"Yes sir it is," William answered as he made his way towards John and began scanning the room for the victim.

"Mason! Get your ass down here and bring Bates with you!" Robert screamed out at them both.

"Sorry can't here you sir, you're breaking in and out," Mason lied as he covered the microphone feed. John couldn't help but laugh, William must have been watching him closer than he thought after all these months of training.

"He's right you know. You should get your ass down there," John said to William.

"We came in together. We go out together," William said. "A friend of mine taught me that," he said as he eyed John.

"Sounds like you need better friends," John joked back.

"If it's safe enough for you to be on your own, then I can be here too," William argued.

"You better kiss floor then," John said as both men got on their hands and knees; the position to the floor allowed them to see better in the smoke filled room. "Get lower!" Bates yelled at Mason as he motioned his hand lower to the ground. William nodded and complied by mimicking John, "You're no use to me dead. It's just like we practiced." John could tell by the expression in William's eyes that he was smiling behind his face mask. It had become routine that John would say this to William when teaching him how to do something. William gave him the thumbs up before they continued forward.

The two men crawled into the next room and searched around on their hands and knees, ignoring Robert's pleas and threats over the radio waves. The radio began cutting out and John could tell the temperature was beginning to rise because the paint on William's helmet was bubbling now. Both men had to communicate with hand signals, but it had all become second nature and they had no trouble discerning what the other meant.

John finally found a little girl passed out under her bed and waved William over. The smoke had become too much for her. "I think I still got a pulse!" he shouted to William.

"I'll start trying to find a way out. You got her?" he asked.

"Yeah," he answered. John looked down at the little girl that couldn't have been more than five years old and wondered how she had come to be left by herself in the apartment building. "Come on darlin' wake up for me," he coaxed while he protected her body from the heat. The little girl coughed for a moment and John's eyes widened, "Will, how's that escape plan coming along? I got a survivor over here."

"I'm working on it," William called back as he continued to move furniture and debris that was blocking the windows. William moved the last book shelf and said over the radio, "Ladder 23, we're on the eleventh floor. Repeat eleventh floor. We got a survivor…a little girl…I'm gonna need a turntable ladder with a bucket to pick us up from the window. We're on the west side."

"We're gonna need a minute to maneuver the bucket closer. Standby," Branson said over the radio from the ground.

"I don't have time to stand by!" William shouted.

"Mason? Bates? We're going to need some kind of marker or signal, we can't see anything through the windows boys," Tom voice trailed over the air waves.

"John, I'm gonna have to bust open the window!" William called out.

Knowing that the added air in the room would only cause the fire to grow more aggressive John nodded in agreement, "Better make it count. Wait as long as possible. This whole room is going to go up in a matter of minutes once you do."

William checked a couple more times until he saw the ladder begin to extend upward. He pulled out the axe and began knocking the glass out. He stuck his head and arms out the window and began waving them down. William turned to John and said "Their coming a few more seconds."

John carried the little girl beneath him as he began to crawl towards the window. "Nice job Mason. Guess that promotion was well deserved," he teased. John brushed the chestnut hair from the little girls face and saw that her fair skin was covered in smoke. She shifted in his arms but never fully opened her eyes and he now noticed that she was bleeding from the head. He covered her face with his hand and body as William continued to bust out the glass and fragments cascaded down onto the floor.

"I learned from the best," William said as he looked out the window once more to check for the bucket. The two men were still huddled on ground as they covered the little girl. Both secretly hoped she wouldn't wake completely or she might panic when they went to load her in the bucket.

"The bucket won't reach this high. It will stop somewhere around the tenth floor. We're going to have to lower her down," John instructed.

The bucket finally arrived and Thomas was waiting with open arms, "Alright boys, the cavalry is here."

"Took the cavalry long enough," John muttered under his breath.

"Toss up the rope and harness!" William instructed.

Thomas was already working on it and William made the catch. He wasted no time in preparing the harness and rope and securing the ties to himself to lower her down. John carefully placed the other end around the little girl and an explosion went off a few floors above them. It shook the building to the core and caused a couple of windows to blast out. All the men immediately covered themselves and worked faster than before. The little girl was wide awake now and began crying instantly. John tried to calm and soothe her and she cried out, "I want my mummy."

"It's okay darlin', you're going to be alright. I promise I won't leave you and I'll get you out of here safely," he said as he cradled her in his arms. She just kept repeating over and over what she had said before as tears streamed down her cheeks. "What's your name sweetheart?" he asked trying to get her to focus on something else.

"Ava," she replied back through her tears.

"Ava, my name is John. See my friend Will here?" he asked as he pointed to William. "He's going to help lower you down with this rope and harness," John explained as he pointed to the harness around her waist. "We have to go one at a time though; he can't hold both of us. So I'm going to need you to be very brave and my…friend…Thomas will catch you in the bucket. Will and I are going to be right behind you. And your mummy will probably be waiting for you on the ground."

She shook her head in agreement. "I can be brave," she said in a small voice that nearly cracked as she wiped the smoke from her eyes with her tiny fists.

"I don't doubt that," John said with a smile and she smiled back. John didn't have many interactions with children but he certainly didn't mind them. And as this little girl clutched tightly to his finger he felt his heart melt.

"You ready to go Mason?" John asked. William sat on the floor with his legs extended in a v-position and placed his feet firmly against the wall to steady himself as he leaned back and prepared to give slack to the rope. The rope was extending from his harness and John placed the girl on the ledge ready to move her out the window and William signaled he was ready to go. "Okay Ava, Thomas and Will are ready to go now. Don't look down. Just look me in the eyes okay," he said as he began to lower her down. She reluctantly let go of his fingers and John just kept talking to her the whole way down until he saw her safely in Thomas's arms. Thomas began removing the harness off of her to send it back up.

"Alright, she's secure," he reported to William.

"That's a nice little lie you told her…about Thomas being your friend," William joked.

"We can't let that petty bullshit get in the way when it comes to saving a life," John said as he pulled the harness back up. "Ok Mason, you're next," John said as he began putting the harness on.

"No you are. I'm already in position. It will take longer to switch it up," William reasoned.

"How will you lower yourself back down on your own?" John asked.

"Don't worry about it, you're wasting time," William said.

"Can you hold me?" John asked.

"Course I can, now hurry up it's burning up in her," William said.

John swung a leg over the ledge and straddled the window sill and he felt the building shake again. Even though he had never been much of a praying man he motioned his hands in the form of a cross over his chest before swinging his remaining leg over the ledge. He began to lower himself down with his back to the ground and felt the building lurch a bit at the sound of another explosion. He covered his eyes to shield himself from the glass and debris that continued to fall in the air around him. John saw the rope give way and felt himself falling backwards as he called out for William. The last thing he saw was the darkness closing in on him.

John jerked in his sleep and called out something incomprehensible. John gasped for air and took a moment to catch his breath. It wasn't the first time John had had this dream; hell he had lived through it and the fall was always the part that scared him the most. With his eyes still closed he tried to remind himself that it wasn't real…not anymore. His breathing began to even out until he felt something wet on his head. He stirred in his half-conscious state at the discovery of this new sensation. John opened his eyes a bit and saw Anna sitting beside him on the bed. She was dabbing a wet cloth on his forehead. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"You were talking in your sleep and your temperature shot up. I think you may have sweat through your clothes," she said as she continued to apply the cool wash cloth to his head and neck.

"Did you understand anything I said?" he asked nervously.

"No," she said evenly as she continued to focus on the task at hand, "but I'm pretty sure it was a nightmare. You were thrashing around quite a bit and you almost sounded like you were trying to scream." John was grateful she hadn't witnessed something worse. "Do you normally have nightmares?" she asked.

"No. I mean I did a lot after my time in the army. But that's where the Vicodin came in…among other things," he said sadly. He tried to gage her response but she could be so damn hard to read sometimes. It was as if she had already seen the worst and now nothing seemed to bother her.

"How long was I out for?" he asked.

"A little over two hours," she said.

"And you stayed here with me the whole time?" he asked as he watched her hands work carefully.

"Mhmm," she replied. She looked into his eyes and was pleased to see that they weren't glassy any more the redness seemed to have subsided now that he had gotten some sleep. She could see the color of his eyes better now that he didn't have the wicked shiner he had the week before when she first met him. "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"Not really," he answered.

"Well I bought you some soup, I figured that would be easy on your stomach," she said. Judging by the look on his face she could tell that soup was not in the cards. "But if you aren't up for that I also got you some saltine crackers and ginger ale." She picked up the box of saltine crackers and shook it in front of him as she put one in her mouth. Speaking to him as if he were a child she said, "They're really yummy."

He managed a smile and she smiled back at him. "Well, only if they are really yummy," he joked and the two of them began to laugh.

"Alright you munch on some crackers, I'll try to clean this place up a bit and then you really need to take a shower," she said.

"Is it that bad?" he asked even though he already knew the answer to that question.

"Yes, it is. Besides it will be good for you," she replied sweetly as she began picking up some of his clothes from the floor.

"Oh Anna, please…you don't have to do that. I can pick it up myself," he said.

"Are you going to fight me on every little thing from here on out," she said with a serious look on her face.

He couldn't help wondering what she meant by that. As if there were a possibility for their relationship to advance further. He was half tempted to challenge her on her statement and see what her response would be. But she had been so sweet and he didn't want to risk offending her. Although he had to admit, he did like seeing her aggressive side. She was proving to be a worthy opponent when it came to their witty banter. He arched an eyebrow and with a smirk on his face he leaned forward to the point that he was almost in her face. One might even call it dangerously close. Keeping the expression on his face in place and still holding her gaze, he outstretched his arm and grabbed a couple crackers from the box on the bed side table and popped a handful of crackers into his mouth. He continued staring her down as he chewed and finally he saw a smile begin to creep across her face. She was trying ever so hard to keep a serious face and not let him win. "Don't smile Anna, don't let anyone see that incredible smile of yours," he scolded playfully.

"I'm not," she insisted as she crossed her arms. But he still saw her fighting the urge to smile back at him. His face was now becoming more animated as he chewed and he made funny faces at her. He raised and lowered his eyebrows and wriggled them about causing that adorable crinkle in the corner of his eyes to flex even more than usual. "That's not fair! You can't cheat!" she disputed as she playfully hit his arm.

"I'm not even saying a word," he said as he put another cracker in his mouth and held his hands up innocently.

She turned her head away from him and tried to hide her smile from him. When she finally turned back to look at him he crossed his eyes at her. In a last ditch effort to gain the upper hand Anna stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her eyes back at him. John couldn't help laughing at her this time and her own laughter soon followed. "I win! Now off to the shower with you!" she ordered.

"You may have won this one Miss Smith, but I can assure you… you haven't seen the last of me," he said playfully as he got up to head for the shower.

Anna heard the shower come on and she instinctively turned towards the sound. When she did she was surprised to find that the door was still cracked open. She could see him removing his boxers to hop in the shower and caught a glimpse at the side of his right thigh. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds but she drank in the sight of him and wanted to commit it to memory. His legs were just as toned as his arms had been. His muscular thick thighs were covered in dark hair just as she had seen before on his chest. When she had been caring for him in bed she hadn't been focused on his body, but her senses were very much aware now. She tried to take her mind off of what she had just seen as she continued to clean up around the room. Anna reminded herself that she was here to help him; help him in a way that she had failed to help Ethan.

John climbed in the shower, unaware of her watchful eyes or the effect he was having on her. As the water cascaded down his body he leaned against the cool tile wall and tried to clear his head. He wondered how long he would have to deal with the reoccurring nightmares before they subsided or stopped all together. He knew he couldn't continue on like this, the guilt would destroy him. It almost had once before. He remembered what Dr. Clarkson said; he couldn't let his mind dwell on negative thoughts and memories…at least not yet. Instead he turned his thoughts to Anna. He was already smiling; realizing that she had been right about the shower being good for him. He'd have to play it off that he wasn't as relaxed as he actually was otherwise she'd probably gloat about knowing what was best for him. As much as he hated being babied he had to admit he like having her take care of him.

Anna figured she'd leave the bed and sheets for the maids to deal with but she would at least clean up the trash around the room and put away John's clothes. As she went to put away some of his socks into the dresser she saw two picture frames and looked to see if John was coming back. The water was still running and she could hear him still moving about in the shower, she carefully picked up the frames to take a closer look at the photos. The first was of an older photo of a woman in her fifties and she could see the similarities between the woman and John. It warmed her heart to think of how devoted and close he must have been to his mother to continue to carry around and display a personal photo like that. She moved on to the next one and saw John singing and drinking. She frowned for a moment at the thought of him drinking but she had to admit he did look happier almost like a different person. But not because of the alcohol she could tell by the look in his eyes that he had been genuinely happier that day. It made her happy to know that he could be that happy, but it also made her sad to know that he had fallen so far. Why couldn't they have met back then? Maybe she could have protected him from the hurt and struggle that he was going through now. Maybe she could have made him happier.

Anna placed the frame back in place and placed the trash can out in the hallway in front of the door. She attended to a pile of clothes on the table and found the jacket that John had originally loaned to her. It was the jacket he had been wearing the first night they met and she smiled at the memory of it. She straightened out the collar and went to hang it up in the closet and froze in place. It was the jacket; Ethan's jacket. She hadn't seen it in so long that it was almost like staring at a ghost. She dropped John's jacket on the floor and felt a single tear slide down her cheek. She began to pull the zipper down to remove it from the hanger and saw "Ethan Smith" scrawled on the tag in his writing. Her left hand shot up to cover her mouth and the other hand slowly traced the letters with her fingers.

"Anna?" she heard John's voice call out from the bathroom.

The sound of his voice broke the silence and her hand quickly pulled away from the jacket. She wiped at her eyes hoping to cover any trace of tears. "Yeah?" she replied.

He emerged from the bathroom fully dressed, "I asked if you wanted to go grab something to eat?"

"Um…sure," she said her voice cracking before she turned around.

"What's the matter?" he said sounding concerned as he crossed the room.

"The jacket," was all she could manage to get out.

"Oh sorry, I meant to bring it back at the meeting but I didn't come last night," he tried to explain.

"No, no, it's not that. I just…I'm sorry…I didn't think it would hit me this hard," she said as she began to cry in his arms.

"It's okay, you don't need to apologize. I'm here for you," John said. Her forehead pressed against his chest and John didn't even know how to react. This was the closest he had come to hugging someone in a long time. And it had been even longer since he had hugged someone he actually loved. John pulled her in tighter and shielded her as he tried to reassure her that it would be okay. He still wasn't sure how a jacket had caused all this but he suspected that it had something to do with Anna's secret past.

As she cried on his shoulder he looked back to the jacket hanging in the closet and saw the name imprinted on the tag. John debated whether or not he should say something more for some time. He didn't want to push her but he had to know. He wanted so desperately to help her the way she had helped him. "Anna?" he asked in a soft voice, "Who's Ethan?"

Silence consumed the room again and all John could hear between them was Anna chocking back sobs. "He's…he was my brother," she answered softly into his chest. John stroked the back of her head and rubbed his thumbs under her eyes to remove the tears. "He died almost two years ago," she said but she didn't go on after that.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked.

Anna was quiet for a moment and the she finally said in a low voice, "Just stay with me. Don't let me go John. Never let me go."

"Anna…you know I can't make that promise," he said.

Tears still filled her eyes and she looked confused. After everything they had been through in the short week they had known each other she didn't understand how he could discard her so easily. "You can't…or you won't?" she asked as she pulled away to look up at him.


	9. Revelations Pt2

**_A/N-Sorry for the delay guys. I was still wiped out from my trip and so much was going on at work this week. But atleast I already know what I want to do for the next chapter so hopefully the writing wont take as long. So here it is the big reveal for Anna. John finally gives in a little more to his feelings. It's an emotional chapter but I swear the next chapter will have the fluff I've been promising. And I know I rated it "M" for a reason so that will be coming up eventually, I didn't do it just for the language. I hope you all don't mind I did borrow some stuff from the script to incorporate into here. When you read it you'll know what I mean, but I tried to not do it all word for word as it was on the show. As always, reviews and criticism is accepted even from anon readers. Enjoy the remainder of your weekend._**

**_Disclaimer: I'm still poor, I don't get anything from Julian Fellowes or his henchmen. They deserve the props they get for all the things they do to make Downton Abbey what it is. _**

**_Chapter 9_**

**_Revelations Pt.2_**

The silence was deafening and her question still hung in the air. The look on her face broke his heart and he was scared. Scared he'd say the wrong thing. Scared he couldn't be what she needed him to be or say what she needed him to say. He chose his words carefully before saying, "I shouldn't make that promise."

"Why not?" she asked through tears.

"Because you don't want to get tangled up with someone like me, Anna," he argued.

"You can't honestly tell me you don't feel what is happening between us," she pleaded.

He didn't want to answer that; he knew it would lead down a path of no return. "Anna, we are friends. And I'm glad for that. But…" he said.

"But what?" she asked.

"Anna there is still so much more that you don't know about me. Stuff that would make you change your opinion of me," he said.

"There's nothing you could tell me that would make me change the way I feel about you," she shot back.

He had hoped he could keep her at bay without having to go this far. He knew once he said the words there would be no changing her mind and she wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore. And as much as it would hurt he knew it was for the best. She deserved someone better, someone younger, someone that could love her the way she deserved to be loved. "I don't own a home. The few possessions I own I carry on my back or my truck," he said and he waited for her reaction. When she didn't react he continued on, "I've been married before and it ended horribly." Her eyes widened a bit, she hadn't expected that, but it didn't dissuade her. She took in a deep breath and exhaled through her nose but she didn't speak. She still stood staring at him her lips in a firm line, "I've abused prescription drugs and alcohol for the better part of the past 20 years. I'm an addict for Christ sake…and…I may never get all my baggage sorted out." He stared at the floor unable to look up in her eyes; he couldn't bear to see the disappointment that would certainly be awaiting him.

"How little do you think of me John Bates?" she asked.

John looked up at her and was flabbergasted that she had misinterpreted his words. "Quite on the contrary, I think very highly of you," he corrected.

The tears were still threatening to fall out from the brim of her eyes but she was most definitely furious with him, of that he was sure. "Do you think that's all I'm after? Someone with money and a house? Someone without a past? Someone that's never made mistakes?" She didn't even give him a chance to answer in between questions. She just kept hammering away at him. It was a side of Anna he had only caught a glimpse of earlier and he hated that her anger was directed towards him; but maybe it was better this way. It was better to have her leave angry with him than heartbroken and in tears. "Do I look like a fool to you?" she asked and this time she allowed him to answer.

"No, of course not," he answered.

"Because I would have to be to think that someone without flaws exists. I'll have you know that I am very capable of making my own, rational choices Mr. Bates" The fact that she stopped calling him by his first name was like a punch in the stomach. He felt her slipping away and an anxiety attack was coming on again. He ignored it and fought to keep her there and hear him out.

"Anna, please just let me…" he tried to calm her and fix the situation but she had cut him off.

"I'm not looking for a perfect man. I'm looking for the perfect man for me. I thought I saw that in you, but I guess I was wrong," she said in a shaky voice as she wriggled free of his arms.

His temples were pounding and his heart was beating faster. "Anna, please don't misunderstand me. I didn't mean it that way," John said as he tried to get them back on track.

"No, I understood it perfectly. You clearly don't care for me that way. I'm the stupid one for allowing myself to think you loved me back," she said and she began to gather her things to leave.

He reached for her arm and stopped her from walking out the door; it wasn't forceful but it stopped Anna in her tracks. He felt his heart rate returning back to normal and he began to get his breathing under control again. "Now hold on just a minute. You can leave here thinking whatever you want about me and call me every nasty thing you can think up. God knows I've probably been called worse by plenty of other people. But I'll not have you leaving here thinking that I thought less of you. It's because I care for you that I can't allow you to throw your life away. I'm no good Anna. I'm cursed. You'd be welcoming a lifetime of pain if you were to hitch your star to my wagon. Save yourself the trouble and dream of another man."

"I couldn't. Not ever," she said with conviction.

"I know you, Anna Smith, and I love you, and that is not the right path for you," he said as he held her hand. He hadn't meant to blurt that out, but it's all he'd been able to think about since the moment he laid eyes on her. She looked up at him in amazement with her jaw dropped. Now she didn't know what to do, she had been prepared to storm out thinking he had not returned her love and now his confession changed everything.

"You love me? Then why do you insist on pushing me away?" she asked.

He could see he was getting nowhere with this. They would continue going in circles at this rate. She was too stubborn to let him go and he was too stubborn to give in to his feelings. "Perhaps I made a mistake," he said softly. She looked up at him hopefully thinking she had changed his mind. "I shouldn't have let this go past that first night," he said sadly and she frowned back at him. "I may never understand why you were at that meeting in the first place. But you were there first and as soon as I possibly can I'll find a new group," he said as he let go of her hands.

She wanted him to stay but now she was beginning to think that her presence in his life may be doing more harm than good. If things didn't work out between them she would hate to know that she had been the cause for him falling off the wagon. Anna bit her bottom lip as she continued to fight back tears. She mustered up as much courage as she could and put on her bravest face before saying, "I'm ever so sorry you're going." She swiped her fingers at her eyes to clear them of the tears that had been building up.

John offered her a half smile and said, "I'll be alright.

"Of course you will. I hope that you'll find a group that will accept you with open arms and help you get the help you deserve," she replied.

"Oh yes. Something will turn up," he said. He so desperately wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry for the pain he was putting her through.

And then she said the last thing he expected, "Tell us when you're fixed. Just drop us a line. Else I'll worry." Here he had essentially extinguished her flame and stomped it out and yet she was still trying to look out for him.

"Well, we can't have that," he said.

She offered her hand out to shake and it seemed so foreign that they had been resigned to this sort of interaction when before he had been holding her in his arms. He almost didn't want to shake her hand for fear that he wouldn't be able to let her go. But he did and she began to walk out the door.

"Hold on," he said and she turned around quickly, "don't forget your jacket." With the jacket in hand she now realized there would be no reason for her to return here other than John. But she was realistic enough to know that would not be possible. Not without the risk of reigniting the feelings she had for him.

He held the door open as she walked out and she turned around one last time to look at him. "You want to know why I go to those meetings?" she asked.

John had been curious, but he had assumed that she wouldn't want to share such a personal detail with him now that he had rebuffed her. Her face was already red from the crying she had been doing earlier and he could see she was on the verge of crying once more. He shifted on his feet uncomfortably, "Anna, you don't have to tell me anything," he said trying to sound sympathetic.

She took a deep breath and exhaled, "My brother, Ethan, my best friend. He went to those meetings." Anna now found that she couldn't look John in the eye; she knew if she did she would surely crumple in the very spot that she stood. "My brother was going to law school and couldn't afford to keep going there. He got mixed up with some bad people and began dealing drugs to pay his way through law school instead of just asking for help. My father had always held us to high standards, too high perhaps," she said sadly. "I had started to notice the change in him first and told my mum we needed to confront him but she refused to believe any child of hers was involved in that sort of thing. I finally asked him myself and he confided in me that he failed the bar exam twice. The depression and possibility of failing my father had gotten to him and he began drinking excessively. He eventually lost his place in the university and a girl he loved," she said woefully. "By then my parents acknowledged his problems and my father refused to let him live in the house. But I couldn't turn my back on him so easily…I let him move in with me on the condition that he start attending meetings. I went with him to every meeting."

John felt for her, he couldn't fathom her being a drinker or addict. He'd never felt so horrible, he felt as though he had initiated this conversation. He had no right to know this information; not after the way he treated her. "He struggled and fought me on everything, but I kept reminding myself of the person he used to be. I wanted so badly to have him back, John. When his girlfriend gave up on him it got worse. I had never seen him so low. I was investing so much time and effort in him that it took a toll on my relationship and my fiancé, Mark, moved out. It hurt losing Mark, but so long as Ethan was okay I was willing to let it go." John shuddered at the thought of someone walking out on her when she was so selfless towards everyone she encountered. He still wasn't sure why she was sharing all this with him. Maybe it meant there was a chance she was still willing to be his friend. _After all why would she share it with someone that she didn't consider a friend? _

Anna paused for a moment before continuing and John let her collect her thoughts and dab at her eyes with her sleeve before saying anything more. "When his dealer showed up at my house I had had it. I had no choice but to throw him out," she said and then the tears came. "I told him he couldn't stay there if he was going to continue using drugs and drinking. If I had any idea that that would be the last time I would see him, I would have never thrown him out," she continued through her sobbing. John could hold back no more. He instinctively reached out for her shoulder and began rubbing at her back to console her, being careful not to get to close. "Ethan disappeared for three days and I finally got a call from his girlfriend saying he had stopped by and left a note saying he was sorry for all his mistakes and that he'd always love her." Anna felt her chest clench and it physically hurt her heart to say the next part, "I was at work the next day and I got a call saying they had found my brother, he had overdosed on prescription drugs and alcohol. The prescription drugs had come from my house. I hadn't even noticed they were missing," she said as her head fell forward and her hair fell in her face.

John pushed the errant hair from her eyes, "Anna, you can't blame yourself for that. Even if you had known they were missing you couldn't have stopped him from using them."

"No, but I will always wonder if he would have gotten better had I allowed him to stay," she said.

John didn't know what else to say. But John knew how he would have acted and if he didn't want to get better he wouldn't. "I think that sometimes we lose our way. And if we don't find something to fight for or want to get better on our own, we never will," he said. It probably wasn't the most poetic thing to say but he didn't want her blaming herself for the choices that her brother had made. "I think I know where you your brother was coming from…" he paused for a moment and Anna looked up at him. She wanted answers; preferably from someone who didn't know her brother. "Sometimes, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome…that all the bad things that keep happening are just cruel reminders that I don't belong here," John said without thinking. Anna was filled with worry and her jaw quivered a little as her eyes lowered to the floor. She didn't think she could go through losing someone like that again. "Don't worry I'm past that point…" he said as he placed his fingers under her chin and raised it for her to look at him, "I found something worth fighting for." He smiled at her and there was a spark in his eye that he hadn't had there before. Her eyes were boring holes into his soul and she found it in herself to produce a small smile for him. John felt the warmth again that he felt when they first met.

"I'm sorry you had to lose your fiancé in the process," he said attempting to sound sincere; even though the thought of Anna with another man made him sick to his stomach.

"I'm not," she said quickly, "I realized he wasn't the one for me. He didn't realize the importance of putting family first." Neither of them had even noticed it but she was practically back in his arms again, "I just wish I could have gotten a letter from him. Maybe it would have given me more peace of mind or some sort of closure. Instead I just feel like a hollow shell that keeps returning to his meetings. I keep hoping I'll find some remnant of Ethan there, a memory or someone like him that I can help. So that they don't go down the same path he did…I don't want his death to be in vain."

"I didn't know your brother Anna, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. What you are doing with the people at the meetings is admirable, but I think you need to live for yourself and not just for his memory," John advised.

"I thought that's what I was doing with you," she said and John became very quiet. She didn't want to push him; she didn't want to lose him as a friend. He was the first person that she had talked openly about Ethan with aside from Gwen. It had felt good to talk about him again and she couldn't imagine sharing it with anyone but John. In some ways he had reminded her of Ethan. Ethan had slightly lighter features but a similar build and the same boyish grin that John had. When she first met John and saw that look of desperation and hopelessness she had been reminded of Ethan in his final weeks. It's why she had reached out to him. She needed John just as much as he needed her. A few more moments of silence passed between them and Anna was the one to finally pull away, "I should get going."

"Anna, are you okay to drive?" John asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," she said. Even with her puffy eyes, red cheeks, and messy hair she still looked perfect to him. Her revelation had taken a toll on him as much as it had her though. He now knew the effects of his actions on others; he knew he could never leave Anna like that.

She paused again as she was ready to walk out the door and she handed the jacket back to him. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I think you should have it," she said matter-of-factly.

"No, Anna, I couldn't," he said as he tried to give it back.

"You like the team don't you?" she asked. "I mean I'm assuming or you wouldn't have picked that one from the closet," she reasoned.

"Yes, I do but…" he said before she cut him off and pushed his hands back.

"But, nothing. It doesn't fit me and I still have plenty of his clothes. Besides the color suits you," she said as she walked out the door. "Just promise me something, John…whenever you are ready to let someone in and love them back…don't fight it…just come out with it." She hugged him once before she walked out the door.

Once she had left he shut the door softly behind her and let his head fall lightly against it. He was grateful that they were still friends; grateful that she hadn't shouted unspeakable things at him or walked out on him. He could have taken it, but he knew it would have eaten away at him once she was gone. Deep down he wasn't surprised though, Anna wasn't like that. Not his forgiving, sweet, and loving Anna. A woman who had survived her fiancé walking out on her and her brother's death, yet still found the strength to hold her head high. John had been right to think she was a lady. And he never knew a finer one.


	10. A Favor to Ask

**A/N-Sorry for the delay on getting this one up. Both my brothers were actually graduating from the fire academy this week. Lot of family functions and work has been hectic. So I wrote a slightly longer chapter. I already have the next one outlined and more fluff to come. All reviews are welcome and if you have any suggestions I'm always open to new ideas of where to take Anna and John. Have a good week all. **

**Disclaimer-Same as before. **

**Chapter 10**

**A Favor to Ask**

John lay in his cot at the firehouse staring at the jacket hanging on the back of a chair across the room. He was replaying the conversation between him and Anna in his head over and over. A lot of information had been exchanged between them in those few short hours; it was a lot to absorb. He was wondering if there was something different he might have been able to say to soften the blow. Or maybe he should have fought for her more. It didn't seem to matter. It seemed that no matter how he sliced it he would have still been in love with Anna…and now she knew it. He was disgusted with himself for not getting his life together sooner and then he could have gladly given himself to Anna. The last thing she needed was another mess to clean up after or more heart ache. But she hadn't seemed to mind or even question what had happened with his last wife. _Maybe it really didn't bother her then. Or maybe she had just been too consumed with her thoughts regarding Ethan to have given it a second thought._

Hearing about her brother had been a sobering thought. Their situations may not have been exactly the same but he could sympathize with a person that felt as though they were losing everything and they were helpless to stop it. There was poor Anna doing everything in her power to make the situation right and continuing to fight in Ethan's corner even after her parents had turned their back on him. And now even after he had told her it couldn't be, she was still fighting for him. He now realized that Anna had been willing to share that very private part of her life in order to save him from destroying himself the same way Ethan had. _Clearly someone or something in the universe thought it right that we should meet_, _right?_ This self-sacrificing woman that refused to quit was placed in his corner to fight for him for a reason. If he couldn't be in her life as a lover the least he could do was be there as a friend and do the same for her. Obviously not to take Ethan's place but perhaps to help her through the grief that she was still clearly suffering from.

He had to admit he hadn't been surprised to find out Anna had been engaged before. After all she was young, gorgeous, thoughtful, sweet, and caring. The list went on and any man would be lucky to have her. He still couldn't believe that what's his name had walked out on her. If he ever ran across what's his name he'd punch his teeth in for breaking her heart that way. Was he jealous of this man whose name escaped him? Now there was a thought. Jealous that he had been able to be a part of Anna's life in a way John feared he never could.

All this back and forth was getting him nowhere and making his head hurt. He hadn't slept much in the past few days; in fact he had lost even more sleep since his visit with Anna. Although, it wasn't for lack of trying. No amount of chores at the fire house seemed to take his mind off her. The more he tried to forget about her the more appealing going back to the bottle and pills seemed to him. He just didn't want to think of a life without Anna. Thankfully, his resolve was strong and the anxiety attacks and tick in his hands seemed to be dissipating with every passing day. He remembered how she had been running her smooth hands in slow circles across his own palms and it calmed him. He let out a large sigh and stared back at the jacket.

"Bates, there you are," Robert said as he poked his head into the sleeping quarters.

John sat up immediately, "You were looking for me sir?" he asked as he began to get up.

"At ease, there's no need to get up" Robert said and John relaxed a bit but was still sitting up on the edge of his cot. "I just wanted to come by to check on you," he said.

John eyed him curiously, wondering what his real reason for showing up was. The words came out slowly as John said, "I'm…fine…how are you?"

"Well, as good as can be expected. You know after you refused to stay with myself and Cora I was worried you wouldn't be able to handle cleaning up but you are already looking better. And Mr. Carson reports you've been on your best behavior," Robert said with a smile.

John was relieved to hear that he hadn't ended up on anyone's radar as far as showing symptoms or side effects from the detox. He knew he had sort of blown up on Alfred somewhere around day two or three, but he had managed to smooth things over by helping him cut his time down for the physical agility test. He also threw an extra ten bucks Alfred's way when he had taken over his cooking detail. That was the day John couldn't stand the sight or idea of food and had spent the better half of the day curled up by the toilet.

"Say that's a nice jacket," Robert said as he came further into the room to eye it a bit closer.

John instantly leapt off the bed and took hold of it before Robert could touch it and began smoothing out the sleeves. He then hung it in the closet and Robert stood standing frozen in place not sure what had just transpired between the two of them. John knew it was out of character even for himself. He quickly apologized as he shut the door to the closet, "Sorry, it's nothing against you it's just a friend gave that to me. Everyone in the house has been trying to get a look at it and I don't want to ruin it."

"It's alright, I understand. Want to keep something like that in pristine condition," Robert said as he wandered around the room aimlessly.

"Alright Rob, what do you want?" John asked as his eyes followed Robert around the room.

"Who said I wanted anything?" Robert replied.

"I know you're lying about me 'looking better' I've had a little more than a five o'clock shadow for the past few days. I'm even thinner now that I was two weeks ago and not in a good way. And I've turned you and Cora down plenty of times when you've offered me to stay at your house. So why the concern now?" John asked.

"Well, the truth of the matter is I have a favor to ask of you, but I didn't know health wise and mentally if you were up to it," Robert said.

John couldn't imagine what it was he wanted to ask him but he was intrigued now. He leaned back against the frame of the cot and faced Robert. "I have my good and my bad days. Although, I am getting rather bored around here. I imagine if I don't find some new things to do Mr. Carson will have me polishing the silver next," John joked.

"And how's the uh…well you know?" Robert asked as he lifted his hand and lightly shook it.

"Oh, it's um…" he looked down at his hand, "It's getting better."

"I hope you won't hold it against me that I will have to take that into consideration," he said pointing to John's hand, "before I can let you back on the truck."

"No, it's fine. I completely understand," John said sadly. "You've got to think of the safety of the men," he paused before continuing and stared over at the cot that had once been occupied by William. After his passing Mr. Carson had thought it wise not to house anyone with John for a while. But soon it became the norm and after John's change in attitude no one seemed to want to share a room with John. "Can't let one man's mistake take this whole place down," John admitted.

"John, you know that's not what I meant," Robert tried to explain.

"Hey, I said its fine. Ok, let's just drop it." It was quiet for a while as Robert could tell John was getting agitated. He knew that John was going at this without medication and he was very proud of him for doing so. John was trying hard to minimize the mood swings still; especially with Robert. Not just because Robert was his boss, but because he was his friend. John looked up at his friend and saw Robert offer a half smile back. "So what did you want to ask me?" John quickly tried changing the subject and sounded more inviting.

"Well, it's actually more of a favor for Cora," Robert confessed.

"Oh no, the last time you asked me for a favor for Cora I ended up having to do carpool for the girls for a week," John moaned.

"But you were so good at it, Uncle John," Robert said mimicking the girls voices while trying to stifle his laughter.

"Alright out with it," John ordered.

"I wouldn't ask you unless I had too, but…" Robert said.

"But what?" John asked.

"Cora said that the school is trying to organize some fire safety assemblies. I tried asking my son-in-laws but they said they are too busy picking up shifts. And I can't very well have you cover their shifts what with your being temporarily banned. So I thought…" Robert proposed before he was cut off.

"You thought I would perform for the kiddie brigade, eh," John said.

"Look before you shoot me down, its little kids so you don't have to deal with any older kids. And you know they eat that stuff up; you're like a hero to them at that age. Even better you can count it towards your community service hours that the judge wanted you to do," Robert said convincingly.

"Oh alright, a classroom might be a nice change of pace from the fire house," John said.

"Great you'll be in George's class first thing on Monday morning then," Robert said as he patted John on the knee before walking out.

"Great," John said back sarcastically trying to feign excitement.

* * *

John walked up the step of Grantham Prepatory Academy with his gear in his bag and went to the front office to sign in as he had been instructed. John read the name on the placard sitting on the desk "Gwen Dawson?" he said sounding unsure.

The young, red head looked up from her desk, "Yes, can I help you?'

"I'm John Bates, I'm here to give the fire safety classes for the week," he said.

"Oh right," she said, "We'll just need you to sign in here." She searched around for an available pen and handed it to him. She pointed to the location on the sign in sheet. "And do you need any help carrying anything in?" she asked kindly. Even though she was fairly certain whatever he had brought in the bag surely weighed more than any load she had ever carried.

"No, I can manage," he said.

"Course he can," a familiar voice chimed in from around the corner. He turned to see Cora standing there. "How are you John?" she asked as she leaned in to hug him.

"I'm managing," he said and the two shared a small laugh.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. It's very good of you to volunteer your time for us," she said to him with a smile and wide blue eyes. "Have they told you what class you are in yet? I would love to walk you there and show you around the building," she said excitedly.

John paused from his writing for a moment when he said, "I'm supposed to be with George's class today."

"Oh, little George, isn't he just the spitting image of Matthew. He's a handful, but he's a good boy," she said as she continued to gush about her grandson. John found it humorous she was talking to him as if he had never met George, but John had seen him around the fire house as he had all of Robert's grandchildren. He wasn't particularly close with them but over the years he had been invited by Robert and the boys at the station to attend the birthday parties and holiday get-togethers.

When he finally found a moment to interrupt Cora he said, "Robert didn't mention what the teacher's name was though, so I'm afraid I don't know where I'm going."

"I keep forgetting you've never been here before. That's more of a daddy duty for Tom and Matthew. George's class is just around the corner, so you won't have to lug that bag too far," she said sweetly.

"Actually," Gwen chimed in, "We had to do some reorganizing this morning you were supposed to be in Jane Moorsum's class but she called in sick and we had to get a substitute. Anyway, you are with Miss Smith's class now," she said.

"That's a shame, give Jane my best if you talk to her again before she returns," Cora said to Gwen. Turning her attentions back to John she said, "Well I suppose it doesn't really matter where you start, you'll finish your rounds with all the classes by the end of the week. Ms. Smith's class is a good place to start though, that's Sybbie's teacher."

John stopped writing at the sound of the name, he resumed writing and told himself, _"It's a common name; there are plenty of Smiths in the world."_ He felt the familiar twitch in his hand and shook his hand once. Cora having already been informed by Robert of John's progress looked concerned as she stared at his hand, "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Writer's cramp," he said and she smiled back at him, "I don't get to do much writing on the job." John tugged at his collar a bit to loosen it. "_Breathe John, __there's no sense getting worked up over nothing."_

* * *

Cora led him down the hall and John saw the walls lined with cut outs of hand prints and drawings of flowers and butterflies. All of them had been done by the children of course and it actually made him feel at ease, it was certainly less stressful than battling a fire. Cora had been doing most of the talking, she told him about their impressive record with having the smartest kids in the county attending here and one of the longest waiting lists for getting in. If he was honest, a prepatory school wasn't really his idea of where he would send his kids, if he had any. Not only because it would break his wallet just to send a single child here, but he had gone to a public school and had always found it to be just as effective as some overpriced academy. "You'll like working here the next couple days," Cora said as they continued down the hall, "the children are well behaved and the staff is exceptionally nice. Miss Smith is one of our most beloved teachers." John smiled as he was reminded of Anna. "She's a favorite with the students and the parents so don't be surprised if her class takes her word over yours," she said and he laughed slightly.

"Well here we are. Are you ready for this?" she asked and he nodded.

"How bad could it be?" he replied.

"Well good luck. You can wait out here while I introduce you and you can follow in after," Cora said as she began to open the door.

"Oh class, look we have a visitor today," a familiar voice said, "say 'hello' to Mrs. Crawley." John felt his heart nearly pounding through his chest, _"It couldn't be."_He could pick that voice out of a crowded room anywhere. It had visited his thoughts and his dreams. Usually when he heard it in his sleeps she said his voice soft and low; even thinking about it now was giving him goose bumps and making his hair stand on end. John steadied himself as he waited to hear that silky voice speak again. He heard the class greet Cora in unison and then he heard her voice again, "Today we are going to practice fire drills and learn what to do in case of a fire, so Mrs. Crawley has arranged to have a very special visitor come and visit us." He could hear the kids whispering amongst themselves and clamoring to meet their special visitor. John imagined that they must be as excited as he was to walk into the room. He hadn't seen her since that night at the hotel and now here she was within mere feet of him. He poked his head around the corner enough to see through the glass window of the door and caught a glimpse of the unmistakable golden locks and piercing blue eyes. _"Easy John, play it cool,"_ he told himself. _"Remember, you're here as a favor to Cora, so don't spend all day trying to pursue Anna."_

John took a deep breath and prepared to walk in as he heard Cora introduce him, "Here is Senior Fire Fighter Bates of the Downton Fire Department." The children in the class leaned forward on the edge of their seats. They were all smiling from ear to ear as they clapped to welcome him in and John gave a small wave to them but all he could do was stare at Anna. He could tell that she was just as surprised as he was to be there when he noticed her breath hitch in her chest. She certainly hadn't expected to see him there, but he could tell she wasn't upset or displeased about it either. She offered him a smile and a slight nod of the head indicating that she was glad to see him there and began clapping along with the class.

"Hi John," a small voice in the second row called to him while giving a small wave.

He looked down and immediately recognized it to be Tom's daughter Sybil, or Sybbie as everyone affectionately called her. "Well hello there Miss Sybbie," he greeted as he bent down on one knee to offer her a hug.

She practically climbed into his arms and was no longer sitting in her chair when she asked, "Where's my Daddy?"

"Daddy is coming back later to show all the kids the truck. But I bet you could probably teach them a thing or two about handling the rig right?" he joked. He held out his hand for her to give him a high five.

"Right!" she said enthusiastically as he high-fived him back. Anna couldn't help but grin at the image that was unfolding before her.

He placed the little girl back on her chair and said, "Ok I got to get back to teaching the class so try not to let your Uncle John look like a fool, okay?" he asked and she gave him a thumbs up.

Anna walked Cora to the door to lead her out and turned her attention back to the class as John set his things down. "Ok class why don't you all clear your desks while Mr. Bates gets his presentation ready," Anna said. John could hear the rustling of movement behind him and Anna crept up along side of him. "How are you?" she whispered in a soft voice.

John continued to remove some stuff from the duffle bag that he brought with him. He turned his attention back to the class to make sure that they weren't getting too unruly while he spoke with her quickly, "I'm better now. And you?"

"Much better," she said with a smile. Having gotten over the initial shock of seeing him at her place of work she was spellbound by his appearance in uniform. It wasn't as if John didn't look handsome to her before, but there was something about a man in uniform. John wore a black polo shirt with his badge, name plate, and collar brass securely fastened to it. It was tucked into his dark blue uniform pants making him look sleek and professional, and his black shined boots poked out just beneath them. He wore a cap with the fire department logo on it and it actually made him look more youthful somehow, almost boyish especially when he smiled. Now with his recently shaved face; it was a nice change from the man she had seen at the hotel.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you would be here," he said. He didn't want her to think he was stalking her.

"Well how could you? You didn't know I was a teacher," she said innocently. He was glad to see she had not thought badly of him and she didn't seem to be holding anything against him for the things he said a few days before.

"I just meant, I'm trying to respect your space," he said sounding chivalrous. John looked like he wanted to say something more but instead he stopped himself. And then finally he looked as though he had shaken a thought from his head and said, "Maybe we can talk more…after I'm done here?" He didn't say it in a way that he was trying to shrug her off, but the truth was there were about twenty pairs of curious eyes staring up at them waiting for John and Anna to turn their attentions back to them.

"Sure, I'd like that," she said. "I'll just be sitting at my desk if you need anything." He tried not to stare too intently as she walked back to her desk but he felt more confident having her in the room. He had to admit her wardrobe was different to the somewhat casual wear he had encountered her in the many times before. She was wearing a uniform of sorts that incorporated the school colors and a patch on her shirt that had the school insignia on it. The insignia was partially covered by her hair that hung around her shoulders. It was pinned back in such a way that it was half up and half down and framed her face perfectly. He hadn't even looked down yet to see that she was wearing a grey knee length skirt with some black tights under it and low heels. They gave her just enough added height and caused her to stand up straight, giving the added illusion that she was taller than she actually was. Even with the tights on he caught a glimpse of those supple calves again and was trying harder than ever not to stare for too long. She looked every bit the picturesque teacher, he imagined that had he had a teacher that looked like her as a boy he probably would have done better in school.

Anna looked over her shoulder as she walked away and watched him turn to the class suddenly looking more animated than she had ever seen him before. "Alright kids, what do you know about fire fighters?" he asked and all the hands shot up in the room. John addressed their comments and became very enthusiastic as he described his job and answered their questions about what it takes to be a fire fighter. Being that the children in the class were all under the age of six he didn't want to get too graphic or serious with them so he tried to keep it light and fun for them. Anna continued to file papers and gather supplies for upcoming class activities she had to prepare for. She kept checking in to make sure that the kids weren't taking advantage of the fact that they outnumbered him, but he seemed to be handling himself well.

About half way through the day he caught Anna looking at him her hands folded together and propped under her chin with her elbows resting on her desk. While the kids were lining up to practice a fire drill John looked over at her and gave her a wink. The crinkle in the corner of his eyes gave her butterflies and she was certain that she must have been blushing. She lowered her head and tried to return to looking at the paperwork on her desk but she was enamored of him. She couldn't help but smile at how he came out of his shell with the kids and how easily he was able to interact with them on their level. At one point she looked up and saw him actually get down on his hands and knees and start rolling on the floor as he demonstrated how to "Stop, Drop, and Roll." She was finding herself falling deeper in love with him and they hadn't shared more than a few brief, innocent touches.

As he went to rise from his knees a Sybbie threw her arms around John's neck and gave it a squeeze as she asked, "Can you come visit us every day?"

"I'm afraid not little one," he said kindly as she slid off his back. Sybbie was every bit the spitting image of her mother and was just as out spoken as her father, Tom. John had seen her around the fire house before and her photos on the wall of Tom's locker, but this was the most he had ever actually interacted with her. "I'm only going to be in the class for the day." The rest of the class gave a collective sigh and even Anna found herself disappointed that she would not be spending more time with him. "Don't you have fun with Miss Smith?" he asked and the girl shyly nodded her head in agreement. "I'll tell you what. I will be in the building for the rest of the week and if you guys are good for Miss Smith, I'll be sure to stop by again later. Maybe we can even make plans for all of you to come to the fire house."

The children became loud again as they cheered at the chance to go to the fire station. The kids were all hovering around Anna's desk now as they asked her, "Can we Miss Smith? Can we please go to the fire house?"

"We'll see. Like Mr. Bates said, you all need to be on your best behavior. Now go line up at the door to get ready for lunch," she instructed and they all gladly obliged. They were all standing at attention after having listened carefully to John's advice about how a fire fighter needed to act. Ivy stopped by to take the children to the cafeteria and left John and Anna to themselves.

"You're so good with them," she commented as he put the desks back in place that had been moved earlier.

"Well, they're good kids. Must be from having such a great teacher," he said and she was smiling at him.

"You flatter me," she said with a smile. He couldn't tear his eyes from her as she rose from her seat to begin helping him. "You know you better be careful," she teased.

"Why?" he shot back.

"You might make me fall for you again," she said. She had meant it playfully but deep down she knew she was speaking from the heart.

"Are you saying you've fallen out of love with me?" he asked.

"No comment," she shot back and she grinned at him when he looked up at her with concern.

They both went to grab the same desk and his hand landed upon hers, "Well, this is an odd case of déjà vu." Anna didn't say anything in response; she didn't want to ruin the moment. "Anna…" he asked to get her attention and she looked up at him. Their eyes locked and they simply stared at one another. "Can I take you to lunch?" he asked.

She paused for a few seconds and bit at her lower lip; little did she know the effect that it was having on him. He was mesmerized by everything about her and wanted to place his lips upon hers. It was like slow torture as he watched her lick her lips and push a strand of hair behind her ear. She finally answered, "No."

"I see," he said as he looked down at his hand that was still resting on top of hers.

"I mean…I don't have long enough of a break to go anywhere," she clarified. "If you want you can join me in the cafeteria Ms. Patmore's Salisbury steak is some of the best you'll find outside of a fine dining restaurant," Anna said.

"That sounds delightful," he said. Inwardly he was cursing himself; he had never used the word delightful to describe anything. Then again there were a lot of things he had been doing since he met Anna that he had never done before.

"Do you need to put any of that stuff in your truck?" she asked.

"No, Sybbie's dad is coming by later to pick me up. Then I'll get to show you my other ride," he said with a wink.

"Are you ready to eat now then?" she asked as she smoothed her skirt down with her hands and pinned back the errant strand of hair up with the rest.

John removed his cap and held it over his chest as he held the door open for her. Anna saw that his hair looked as it had the first night she met him. It was free of product and now with the added hat hair it was even less manageable than it had been before. When John went to do a half bow to her a few loose strands fell in his eye. And the feeling that Anna had fought so hard to resist was now ever more persistent. John recognized her lingering gaze and finally asked, "What?"

"Hmmm…oh…nothing," she said as she shook her head and averted her gaze towards the cafeteria.

"Well then, lead the way m'lady," he replied as he held the door open for her to walk through.


	11. A Promise to Keep

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay, I played around with the dialogue on this one for awhile. But, instead you get a longer chapter. I'm hoping to post one more chapter up this weekend before my trip to Arizona on Thursday. I'm also working on another Anna/Bates video. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. I gladly accept reviews, criticism, and suggestions so feel free to speak up. **_

_**Disclaimer-I still own nothing but the laptop I type with :)**_

_**Chapter 11**_

_**A Promise to Keep**_

John followed behind Anna like a proud puppy eager to please. Each time she turned to look at him he'd hold his head a little higher and smiled right back at her. The hallway was quiet as most of the children were either in the lunchroom or out at recess. Eventually he picked up the pace to walk alongside her and their footsteps fell into the same cadence. The only noise that could be hear was that of Anna and John making their way down the hallway and the chemistry between them was undeniable. The gap between them slowly closed and occasionally their fingers would brush past one another in stride. The small but fleeting contact would cause them both to breathe harder. Anna had blushed a couple times but whenever a teacher would pass them in the hall they would quickly separate, widening the gap between them, only to return to one another like magnets once they were away from prying eyes. To which John responded with a heavy, involuntary sigh and forcefully cleared his throat.

In the cafeteria, John stood behind Anna in line awaiting their food and was so worried about how to act or what to say that he hardly put any food onto his plate. He was consumed by all things Anna: her scent, her small features, how her tiny button nose turned up just slightly, and how her eyes had a natural sparkle about them. He could stare at her for hours and never tire of it. He wanted to say something to her but found himself second guessing every thought that popped into his head.

After filling her plate Anna turned around and looked back at him, "Is that all you're eating?" she asked. She looked down and saw that he had only grabbed an apple, the smallest piece of steak that was available, and a bread roll. "What's the matter? Is your stomach still bothering you?" she asked as she placed her hand on his upper arm. It was not lost on her that his biceps were practically bursting through his polo shirt and his course dark hair felt absolutely amazing underneath her touch.

John looked over at where her hand lay. Her cool finger tips were an amazing contrast to the warmth that was being projected from his body. His heart was racing and he felt his throat clamping up; he could barely think to form words. "I'm just…not very hungry," he said.

Anna looked at him with concern and lowered her voice to a whisper, "Are you still having withdrawals?' He felt her hand tighten a little around his arm as she said it.

"No. I'm just not used to eating this much," he said. She then released him from her grip and he looked at her longingly as she turned her attentions back to the food on display under the glass sneeze guard.

"Mr. Bates if we are to continue as friends you'll have to start taking care of yourself," she scolded. John said nothing and let his fingers hover over the selection of beverages before finally settling on a juice from the counter. "You continue eating like that and you'll be thinner than me," she said playfully.

He grinned at her as he grabbed one of the large serving spoons and placed some vegetables onto the plate, "There. Happy?"

Anna then grabbed another piece of steak and added it to the pile that was forming on his plate, "Quite."

John finally got up the nerve to speak about something other than food, "Well if we are to continue as friends you might start calling me John." Her face lit up and she gave him one of the biggest smiles he had seen from her. It seemed as though a glow were emanating from her face that made her look positively radiant and her eyes shimmered more than before.

"It's not as if I haven't called you that before," she said.

"No, but you stopped after the last time we spoke," he noted.

"I think it best if we keep things formal and professional here," she said. "I wouldn't want you to think less of me."

"I could never think less of you, Anna," John said sincerely.

"I just meant…" she began to speak before being interrupted.

"Are you both going to get a move on, or should I just start eating my meal here?" a voice said from behind them. John turned around and his face met with that of a mean looking woman. This is the type of teacher he was used to as a boy. She had dark hair pulled back tight in a bun and her features were rigid. She wore little make up; but it did her no favors like it did with Anna. Her beady eyes were squinting at Anna while her lips were set in a firm line.

"Sorry Ms. O'Brien," Anna apologized. "You can go ahead of us if you like," Anna offered sweetly.

"Well, I should hope so. I only got a thirty minute break before my class comes back. If I stand here any longer dilly dallying with you both my clothes will go out of style," she said. Her shoulder pushed into Anna as she strode past them. John felt the urge to call the woman out on her disrespectful behavior or at the very least demand she apologize to Anna. But he knew it wasn't his place and this was Anna's domain. John looked at Anna as her shoulder sunk down and her head hung down a little. It wasn't that she couldn't speak up for herself or that she hadn't stood her ground with Ms. O'Brien before, but she had been embarrassed that it had happened in front of John.

When Ms. O'Brien had moved out of ear shot he turned to Anna and quipped, "I think her clothes already went out of style." The two fell back into a comfortable rhythm of giggling; it was as if when one began to get their laughter under control the other would start up again. He was glad that he could cheer her up so easily.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. She can be in such a foul mood some days" Anna apologized.

"Only some days?" John joked.

"Ok most days…" she said and when she looked at John he raised his eyebrows, "maybe every day."

"There you go," he said encouraging her with a small pat on the back. The sensation of his hand on her sent shivers up her spine.

"I don't like to speak ill of people, but she can be such a nuisance," she admitted in a low voice. It warmed his heart to see that no matter how many road blocks were thrown at her she kept fighting. But she fought fair. Somehow, although the world had not left her unscathed she had still emerged free of bitterness. She was like an angel that still saw the good in people and wanted to make everything better, even if it was at her own expense.

He suddenly felt a twinge of guilt as if he were corrupting her by encouraging her to say something like that. "It's okay, I won't tell anyone. It will be our little secret. I think her bark is worse than her bite. But, something tells me that in a pinch you could easily take her," he said with a knowing smile and he finally allowed his hand to slide down off her back. They were silent again for a while before John said, "I have a similar nuisance back at my fire house."

"Oh yeah? Is that how you got that shiner I saw you with that first night?" she asked as they continued down the lunch line.

"How did you guess?" he said as he looked at her from the corner of his eye.

"You don't talk much Mr. Bates, I can't imagine you saying anything to provoke someone. So someone must have provoked you," she reasoned as she began to pull out her change purse to take care of the food.

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk about that right now," he said as he raised his hand to stop her from paying. He pulled out his wallet instead and handed the money over to the cashier.

"You didn't have to do that you know. I have a lunch card through the school," she said.

"Even still, after all you've done. I think it's only fair I pay for our meal," he said. "A real gentleman should treat the lady he's with," he said without even thinking. He meant it innocently enough but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. But he couldn't help but notice that she had paused for a moment to look him in the eye before abruptly grabbing her tray and scurrying off to find them a table in the teachers' lounge.

* * *

The two sat in silence for a while, both studying the other. John couldn't help but notice that they were the only ones sitting at a round table that easily sat eight people. He didn't think much of it at first; he was actually grateful to have a moment alone with Anna. Anna was actually making an attempt to eat while John simply picked at his food and pushed it around. Occasionally she would look upon him with a motherly look about her; not wanting to face her wrath, he would quickly shovel a spoonful of food into his mouth.

"How is it?" she asked referring to the food.

"Not bad," he said as he went to wipe his mouth with a napkin, "definitely better than any other Salisbury steak I've ever had before."

"I would imagine that you haven't had anything more than the frozen tv dinner version," she said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked even though he knew she was right.

"You're a bachelor right?" she asked.

"Is this just your way of getting me to admit that I'm single?" he countered.

"No," she said.

"Well, then yes…I am a bachelor. And you're right, I've only had the tv dinner kind," he said with a smile. "But I am actually learning how to cook for myself," he said.

"Really? What have you cooked so far?" she asked.

"Well, I've successfully burnt sauce and I've made pasta," he said which evoked a smile from her.

She covered her mouth with her napkin as she tried to suppress her laughter, not wanting to discourage him in his future cooking endeavors. "Anything else?" she asked with a straight face but he could tell that she was on the verge of laughing again. Honestly, he didn't mind her laughing, even if it was at his expense. He loved the sound of her laugh. It was music to his ears and he wished she wouldn't hold it back.

"No, I contemplated retiring after the sauce incident," he joked.

"So what I'm hearing is you've successfully boiled water so far," she quipped.

"Yeah, that's about right," he answered back. Anna pursed her lips together and her lips motioned to the right side of her face like she was thinking something over. It intrigued John, what he wouldn't give to read her thoughts right now.

She surprised him with her next question, "I take it your wife did all the cooking then?" He should have known she wouldn't let that little detail go so easily. He had expected this line of questioning but he had expected it at their last encounter. He didn't count on running into her again after their night together at the hotel.

"No, she was pretty bad at it too," he said with a laugh and a small smile crept across Anna's face as she now pushed the food around on her plate. "She couldn't even manage boiling water if you can believe that," he said trying to keep the conversation light.

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but…why didn't it work out?" she asked.

As much as John didn't like talking about his past or his ex he valued the open and honest relationship that he and Anna shared. "No, it's fine. I don't prefer to speak of it, but not because I have something to hide," he said as he broke his bread roll in half and began chewing on it. Something about the way he said it made her believe him. She listened intently as he continued, "I met her right before I joined the Army and we married quickly. At the time we were both young and restless, we both enjoyed a good drink and a smoke; I suppose that's why we both overlooked each other's flaws. Next thing I knew I came back from my tour and we were different people." He looked over at her to gage her reaction but she still looked at him as she had before; free of judgment. "I returned injured and she wanted a family. But I knew it wasn't the right move…to start a family when I was still trying to work my own issues out. By the time I was ready and wanted to start a family, she didn't. Although I suppose it's all for the best now," he said forlornly. Sure he was never happy with Vera, but knowing that he had failed at the only serious relationship he had ever shared wasn't exactly uplifting either.

"Neither of us had the heart or the guts to break it off. Quite frankly I think she only stayed with me for my pension after that; Vera never did much like the idea of working," he said with a small chuckle. "We coexisted in an unhappy state. It seemed the only time we were happy was when we were drinking or when I was too far gone in my drug induced stupor. After signing on for a second tour of duty I was honorably discharged when I was injured saving Cora's husband, Robert. It wasn't a serious injury, but they wouldn't allow me to continue to serve. I suppose, feeling that he was indebted to me Robert took me in and proposed I take a position with the fire department."

"Well, you must have done something right for him to remain friends with you," Anna reasoned trying to sound optimistic.

"I can't say I've always been the best friend in return, but Robert has been my only real friend. We've known each other since we both attended university together," he said. Anna's imagination was running wild, thinking of John in his college years. She imagined he was a bit of hellion but he also probably would have been more mature than any of the boys she met during her college years. Had things been different and they had met him in college she knew she would have fancied him just as much then as she did now. "Now before you go getting any crazy ideas of what I was like back then I was actually well behaved during my college years," he said and she cast a look of doubt back at him. "I was at the top of my class, I majored in English literature and World History," he said. "I like to think that Robert and his family kept me on track. Robert was living off campus with Cora and their daughters and they always were kind enough to include me. Mary was about four at the time and Edith was almost three, so I had plenty of opportunities to baby sit. And there were always nice hot meals and a place to sleep for a struggling college student," he explained.

"That's funny," she said with a small chuckle.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well that's how I met Robert's daughter, Mary. She and I attended college together," she said. _How funny life worked that we were both friends of the Crawley family but never met in all that time._ "I guess we just missed each other," she said softly. John was now picturing Anna in college. He was sure she didn't look much different than now since she still looked young, but he imagined her being a social butterfly, that was outgoing, and involved in every kind of activity. Being friends with Mary she probably fell in with the popular crowd, but was one of those rare popular people that were friends with everyone they encountered. _Boys must have been falling at her feet_. "Oh boy you're really dating me," he scoffed. And it wasn't lost on him the double meaning of his sentence.

She let the comment slide and said, "You can't be that old."

"Anna I was in college when you were probably the same age as Mary," he said.

"I'm older than Mary by four years," she said.

"Well, I'm younger than Robert by a couple months," he countered good-humoredly.

She giggled at the topic of their conversation. It's not as if their age would have any bearing on how she felt about him. "So you're…?" she squinted her eyes as she tried to venture a guess.

"I'm forty four," he said.

She sat quietly waiting to see if he would ask the same of her. "Aren't you going to ask how old I am?"

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that. My mother imparted the good wisdom upon me to never ask a woman to reveal her age," he said.

"Wise woman," she replied. "For the record though I'm thirty years old," she said.

"Good Lord, you're still a baby," he joked. "How long have you been teaching?" he asked.

"A little over seven years, I started with pre-school and moved my way into kindergarten," she said. "They say that your first teacher leaves a big impression on you and determines whether or not you will have a positive outlook on school. I like being that first person to introduce children to the classroom and learning. I want them to always love school and think of it as a safe and loving place," she said with a proud smile. Her enthusiasm was contagious and he suddenly wished every teacher he had was some version of Anna Smith.

"You speak so passionately about teaching. You must have always known you wanted to be a teacher," he assumed.

"Yeah, I guess so," she said. "My mother said I used to line up all my stuffed animals around the kitchen table and pretend to teach them." John grinned at the thought of a small version of Anna telling her teddy bears and dolls to "sit up straight" and "pay attention."

Anna broke his train of thought when she asked, "But what about you? I mean aren't you passionate about being a fire fighter? You seem to have a knack for saving people."

"I'm definitely passionate about it now," he said simply. "But when I first became a fire fighter it was for other reasons; more selfish reasons I guess you could say. The fire department was similar to the army, it was good money, and the work schedule afforded me with time away from home and Vera." He had been looking down while he sad that last part. He wasn't proud of his life choices, but when he finally looked up at her he saw understanding in her eyes.

John paused for a moment as he chose his words carefully, "Don't misunderstand me Anna; I realize it wasn't all her fault. Sure she could have been more supportive when I returned from active duty. But the blame lies with both of us. Maybe me more than her for not seeking help sooner. I wasn't a bad husband, but I'll admit I could have been better. Looking back I know now she just wasn't right for me," he said as he placed the last of the roll into his mouth.

Even though she didn't like hearing him speak about the former Mrs. Bates she realized he couldn't be all that bad if he was able to say a few kind words about his ex-wife. "So you don't think if you were to go back to her now…I mean… ," her voice wavered for a moment and she looked like she stopped breathing for a second. She fidgeted with her napkin as she tried to compose herself, "Um, what I meant to say is…now that you are working on your problems you don't think that there's a chance things could work out between the two of you?" she asked hesitantly.

"No," he answered quickly.

Anna breathed a small sigh of relief. Had John not seen the fall of her chest it would have gone undetected. "You're quite sure?" she asked.

"Well, last I heard she remarried someone else," he said as he sipped at his juice.

"I'm sorry," Anna said even though deep down she wasn't the least bit sorry.

"I'm not," he said. "I'm pretty keen on someone else."

Her head slowly turned to look at him seriously. She had to hear it from his lips; she knew she couldn't put herself out there again and take another rejection from him. She let her fork rest on the plate as she turned to face him directly and asked, "Who?"

"I think you know," he said and there was that crinkle in the corner of his eyes. She felt her heart practically jumping into her throat and it made it hard for her to swallow. Time felt as though it stood still for those few seconds. It was the most bittersweet torture she had ever felt. Sitting on the edge of her seat she felt her knees shaking as she waited for him to speak.

John's voice lowered giving the impression that his voice was deeper than it actually was and the raspy sound made her blood boil, "I don't want to say."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I've been wrong before," she answered back.

"You weren't wrong," he corrected. He turned in his chair to face her and he allowed his hand to graze her knee that was still hidden beneath the table. It was a bold move and had anyone else been sitting at the table with them he probably wouldn't have been brave enough to attempt it. He rubbed the pad of his thumb along her knee long enough to stop her from shaking. "I just wasn't ready," he said.

"You weren't ready for me?" she asked.

"No, I just didn't think I deserved you," he said. He felt her hand slide under the table and come to rest over his own hand. "I still don't," he confessed.

"And what's changed now?" she asked.

"Like I said before I found something…err…someone worth fighting for," he said and he gave her knee a gentle squeeze.

A voice from the doorway called out to her, "Anna!" John quickly removed his hand and banged it on the bottom of the table. Anna turned her attention to the teacher's aide, Ivy standing by the door, , "Ethel's boy, Charlie, fell down on the playground. He's heading to the nurses office."

"Oh, I better go," Anna said, "Ivy can you take care of the class until I get back?"

Ivy nodded her head in agreement and returned to Anna's class.

Anna checked the table to make sure she didn't forget anything. As she began grab her tray to toss it John put his hand out to stop her and his hand stopped on top of her own. "I'll take care of that, you go check on Charlie," John offered.

Before rushing off she turned around to say, "Thanks, I'll meet you back at the classroom." John smiled as he watched her run off. He then noticed that a few of the teachers in the lounge were taking notice of him. He wasn't quite sure if they were staring at him because they had seen or heard what had transpired between he and Anna or if they had simply been distracted by the announcement. Either way, John didn't like being the center of attention and it had gotten too quiet for his liking. He picked up both their trays and headed to the trash bin to dump out the remaining food and head back to the classroom.

* * *

John waited patiently for Anna hoping they could continue their conversation in private, but when Ivy returned with the large group of kids he knew it would have to wait. Not wanting Anna to return to a stressful situation he began handing out firefighter badge stickers and lollipop for the kids. He even helped Ivy set the children up with some crayons and paper to color some fire trucks. John had to admit; for a person who hadn't had children of his own, he was pleased that things were going so well. When the class was relatively quiet and settled he took a seat for a moment to remove his cap and ran his fingers through his hair.

Just then he heard the handle to the door click and looked up to see Anna walk in with a small, dark-haired boy, who he assumed was Charlie. He had seen him earlier in the class but hadn't known his name before. The boy had a small bump on his forehead and had a Band-Aid placed over it. John bent down to check on him, "Hey lad, that's quite a bump you got there. Can you do me a favor?" Charlie shook his head, "Can you follow my fingers with just your eyes?" John asked.

Charlie did as he was asked and afterward John produced a lollipop from his shirt pocket, "That's a good boy. Here you go. You can head back to your desk, Miss Ivy laid out some crayons and I saved a sticker for you."

Charlie looked from John up to Anna waiting for permission to go. She rubbed her hand through his hair as she came down to Charlie's level to whisper in the side of his ear, "That's awful nice of Mr. Bates, what do we say Charlie?"

"Thank you," Charlie said in a soft voice before grabbing the lollipop from John and running to his desk.

"I don't know how to thank you," she said to John.

"No worries, we managed just fine. And Charlie doesn't seem to have a concussion so that's good. Tom is on his way with the truck, I just got a text," he said. "I'll just head outside to get ready and help him find a place to park the truck in the parking lot." John smoothed his thick, dark hair back as he threw his hat on and gave her a wink before he left. She watched him walk away through the window of the door and thought to herself, _"There goes a good man and he's my hero."_ She didn't want to allow herself to get too excited as she had no idea what else John had planned on saying before their conversation had been brought to a halt. But, she didn't care now. She was just glad to see that they were able to carry on as friends. Leaning her palm against the door, she closed her eyes and lowered her head, _"That will have to be enough." _ She desperately wished that the conversation was heading where she though it was. A small fit of giggles interrupted her thoughts and Anna turned her attention back to the classroom of well-behaved children and felt herself go weak in the knees.

* * *

The day had gone successfully and Anna was standing alone in her classroom drawing the shades to the windows. The children had loved seeing the fire truck and she had to admit she loved it too. She saw how the kids' eyes lit up when they got to climb into the cab, hold the hoses, and play with the sirens. But most of all she had enjoyed watching John and how he came to life when he was on the truck. She could tell he preferred being on the truck to being in a classroom but she relished watching him with the children. After his confession about Vera earlier she felt badly that he had missed his chance at having children. _He would have made a good dad_.

Anna put away the crayons and picked up a few stray Legos that had ended up on the floor. Ivy had been kind enough to take her class to wait for the parents to pick up the children in the parking lot. Unfortunately, Cora had wanted to have a small meeting with Anna to discuss how Charlie got hurt and she had missed John's departure. She supposed there was still plenty of time to catch him as he would be returning to the school for the rest of the week to teach the other classes. But she dreaded the thought of tossing and turning tonight trying to imagine the possible outcomes to their unfinished conversation.

She heard a knock at the door, "Come on in, I'm just getting ready to leave," she said.

"Well that would be a shame," a friendly voice said. Anna turned and saw John standing in the door way. "I hope I'm not bothering you," he said as he removed his hat and held it to his chest with his left hand.

"You have my permission to bother me whenever you want," she replied.

"I'll hold you to that," he said with a half-smile.

"Did you forget something?" she asked as she began scanning the room to see if anything looked out of the ordinary.

"Yes," he said as he cleared his throat. He held up his hand to stop her from saying anything as he shut the door behind him. Anna was still standing on the other side of the room and slowly John began to make his way to her; closing the gap between them. His right hand remained behind his back as he spoke in a low voice, "I wanted to finish where we left off."

Anna gulped a bit; his slow walk, like a jungle cat coming towards her was turning her on in ways she never knew possible. "I thought you left," she said.

"I did, but only to get you this," he said as he produced a small bouquet of red roses from behind his back.

She was flattered but she shook her head in disbelief and his hand remained extended holding out the bouquet, "I don't understand…I thought you wanted to remain friends."

John took a few more steps and was now standing next to her. Anna still hadn't taken the flowers and so he set them down on the small child's desk beside him. "A good friend of mine made me promise not to fight it whenever I was ready to let someone in and love them back…to just come out with it." He saw a few tears spring up into her eyes as she recognized her own words. "I'm in love with you Anna. I've never stopped being in love with you. I'm tired of fighting it," he said as he lifted his hand to wipe a tear from her cheek. "I just hope that I'm not too late and that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not recognizing as quickly as you did that we **_are_** perfect for one another," he said as she dabbed at her eyes. "I'd kiss you now but I'm not sure you want me too," he said.

She laughed through her tears and was beaming back at him, "Of course I do you cheeky beggar." He searched her eyes for permission and with a nod he cupped her cheeks with his hands and placed a kiss upon her lips. He began to pull away but Anna grabbed at the back of his shirt and pulled him in closer to her to deepen the kiss. Her lips felt white-hot against his; he stopped himself before it reached a point where he wouldn't be able to pull away. She had never felt a desire to be with someone before as much as she did with John. Even if it was just being held in his embrace; she felt like nothing could ever hurt her again. Standing there in his arms with her head buried in his chest she could hear his heart beating steady. John leaned his chin against the top of her head. She took a deep breath as she inhaled his cologne and his scent. After letting it out she said, "I love you, John."

A smile fixed itself on John's face. She had said it again; she had called him by his first name. And it had followed the three most beautiful words he had ever heard from the most lovely woman he had ever laid eyes on. She was his now. John leaned down to kiss the top of her head and whispered in her ear, "I love you too, Anna."


	12. Worth It

_**A/N Sorry for the delay everybody. But I hope it was worth the wait. I look forward to any reviews, comments, and/or suggestions. Some more Banna fluff.**_

_**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Julian Fellowes takes credit for creating these characters and Downton Abbey, the only thing I take liberties with is that I promise not to kill this OTP off. **_

_**Chapter 12**_

_**Worth It**_

The next couple days were some of the happiest days that John or Anna had experienced in some time. The two relished the fact that they had a relationship that only they knew about; that wasn't to say that some of the teachers at the academy weren't already speculating that there was something more going on. Though there wasn't any proof of it. Even though Anna was sure there would be no trouble with the two of them dating; John wasn't so sure. He insisted on keeping things strictly professional while on the school grounds; he didn't want to make trouble for himself or jeopardize Anna's job. But it was proving to be easier said than done.

John was conducting assemblies in other classrooms and so would often arrive early at the school hoping to catch Anna before she had to head off to teach her class. It seemed innocent enough as she was not yet on the clock and he would meet with her in the parking lot out of sight of any prying eyes. They took turns bringing in the morning coffee and despite John's protests Anna would often bring a side of bagels or doughnuts. John would tease her claiming she was already trying to fatten him up so that no other women would find him desirable. The remark would usually result in a playful jab to the ribs but deep down they both knew he didn't have eyes for anyone but her. And though he wouldn't yet admit it aloud he loved how she took care of him.

After years of solitude and waking up in a room by himself at the station or completely out of it in an unfamiliar hotel room it was a nice change of pace spending his waking hours with Anna. John couldn't imagine a better way to start his mornings. Sitting on the bed of his pick-up truck with their legs dangling over the edge, sharing in some small talk with the woman he loved as the sun was creeping up over the horizon. Anna would always start off sitting close to him because it was still cold outside but also because there wasn't anyone else in the parking lot just yet. She'd lean her head against his shoulder while she sipped at her coffee and he'd look down at her with complete adoration; their fingers interlaced and her foot lightly rested upon his. When he knew for sure that no one was around he'd place a feather light kiss on her cheek or her lips. A small hum of satisfaction would escape her that would drive him wild and cause him to smile against her lips while he kissed her again. The smell of his after shave hung in the air and the slightest bit of stubble grazed her cheek. The kisses never seemed to last long enough as John was trying to keep an eye out for any teachers that might be coming into work. And while it pained them to part when the first car arrived, they both had to confess that nothing had ever felt quite so perfect.

* * *

On their last morning together Anna held onto him a little tighter and John knew why, because he felt the same way. Even though they knew they would still be seeing each other after work and would still be dating it was nice getting to see one another for the whole day, only to return home with one another at the end of work. That would not be the case starting the following week as John would be returning back to the firehouse. Her head leaned a little harder against his shoulder as she buried her nose in it, almost as if she were trying to take his scent with her. John squeezed her hand three times and she gave him a look of confusion, "What was that for?" she asked

"It means I love you," he replied. He repeated the motion again and for each squeeze he said one word at a time, "I-Love-You."

"Why don't you just say it?" she asked as she smiled up at him.

"It's because I can't say it to you aloud here, so until I can this will have to suffice," he explained.

"Hmmm," she pursed her lips together again in that special way that let John know she was thinking about something. "Well in that case," she squeezed his hands four times, "I-Love-You-Too."

John smiled at her and his eyes shimmered as the sun rose a little higher. John looked around to make sure the coast was clear and he cupped her cheek and whispered the words into her ear again before kissing the side of her head. His warm breath and his sweet words were producing sensations within her that she had never felt before; not even with Mark. It was so weird how she could have ever even considered marrying a man like Mark, thinking he was the lover of her life. Yet here she was just now realizing she hadn't even felt a third of the love for him that she now felt for John. He somehow knew when to say the things she needed to hear and how to touch her just so; she never knew it was possible for someone to be so in tune with her needs.

The two of them could hear the birds beginning to wake up and greet them with their chirping and that's when John noticed how quiet it was. Anna hadn't spoken much all morning and usually she was talking his ear off. She had warned him before that she wasn't much of a morning person, _"Maybe the last few early mornings were finally wearing on her."_ He wouldn't have thought much of it except for the fact that she had hardly eaten any of her fruit and croissant. John could tell something was weighing on her mind. "Anna, if we are to continue going out I'm going to need you to eat some of your breakfast," he said as he mocked her.

She had clearly been deep in thought as his remark hadn't registered in her mind. "What?" she asked.

"I said, you'll end up thinner than me if you don't start eating your breakfast," he teased again.

"Oh," she said as she pushed her fruit around in the bowl, "sorry I've just had a lot on my mind."

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.

She hesitated for a moment. She almost felt guilty that she was even considering asking him the question that had been weighing on her mind. But after all that she had been through she needed some sort of reassurance. And maybe it was a lot to ask of him; knowing that they had only begun their relationship and knowing that he was still recovering from his addictions. Anna finally got up the nerve to ask him, "John?"

"Yes, love?" he replied as he turned his attention from the rising sun to look her in the eye.

"Do you think it will always be like this…for us I mean?" her voice began to break as she asked him. His face contorted a bit and his eye brows scrunched as he appeared to be seriously considering her question. When he didn't answer right away she averted her eyes.

John let out a heavy sigh and placed his fingers at the base of her chin as he lightly moved her head to face him, "Anna, I can't make any promises for the future." She held her breath momentarily; she was preparing herself to be let down. Her lip quivered as she remembered their night at the hotel when he couldn't promise that he'd never leave her. "If there were ever two people that knew how unpredictable life can be it's you and I." There was sadness in her eyes as she silently shook her head in agreement. "I know that I won't always get to spend my mornings with you here at work, but I know I'll always love you. And I know these feelings that I have for you will never go away," he said as he rubbed her shoulder reassuringly. "So just because I won't be here next week doesn't mean that things have to change for us, okay?" he said as he offered her a smile.

"Okay," she said softly.

John looked up the road and saw a car coming towards them with a turn signal ready to come into the lot. He quickly hopped off the back of the truck and began placing their trash into a bag. He rubbed her knee with the pad of his thumb as he had in the lunch room days before and he squeezed her hand again three times as the car pulled up alongside them, it was Ethel.

"You both are here awful early," Ethel said as she shot a smirk and raised eyebrow at Anna.

"Yeah, just having our morning coffee," Anna said as she raised her cup to show Ethel.

"Good morning Mr. Bates," Ethel said with a knowing tone of voice as she helped Charlie from the car.

"Good morning Ethel," John replied cheerfully.

Charlie made his way around the side of the car to greet Anna and John, "Good morning Miss Smith and Mr. Bates. You're coming to my class today right?"

"That's right," John replied looking down at the boy, "and how's that bump of yours?"

"All gone," he replied enthusiastically as he lifted up his bangs to reveal a perfectly smooth forehead.

"Great!" John said as he offered him a high five.

"Well we better get going," Ethel said. "I've got to get this one some breakfast and start setting up some stuff in my classroom." Ethel held out her hand for Charlie to join her.

"Goodbye Miss Smith," Charlie waved as he ran off to his mom. "See you later today Mr. Bates," Charlie said.

"We'll be right behind you," she said trying to hint to Ethel to give them a moment alone.

John and Anna watched as Ethel and Charlie walked off. Once out of sight he gave Anna one last chaste kiss as she readied herself to get off the bed of the truck. Instead John turned to her and placed his hands under her arms to lower her down himself. In his strong embrace she felt lighter than air and she blushed as she tried not to stare at his arms as they flexed ever so slightly. It was amazing how his arms and hands could be so powerful and yet he handled her like she was on the verge of breaking. It took her breath away how intense his stare was as he maintained eye contact with her the entire time. He placed her delicately on the ground and helped her to smooth her skirt down. Her hand stopped his and he realized maybe he had overstepped a boundary by doing so.

Instead she continued to hold his hand and looked up in his eyes and asked, "Will you miss me?"

John couldn't help but hide his smile. "_What a silly question to ask. I'll be seeing her again at break, recess, lunch, and after school," _he thought to himself. But he knew that she was referring to next week. He knew already in his heart he would be missing her just as much as she would be missing him. But he didn't want her focusing on that and being sad so he tried to make light of the situation. "Try not to miss me, it will be good practice," he said jokingly as he kissed her knuckles and sent her off to her class.

Anna began to walk off and was too tempted to look over her shoulder one last time with a small smile. When she did she saw that John had already been watching her the whole time. He watched as her pony tail bobbed with every step she took, how her rear shimmied ever so slightly back and forth, and how she held her head high like she was ready to conquer the world. He fell in love with her more and more. He gestured with his hands as though his heart were breaking and feigned falling against the tailgate of the truck. "I hate to see you leave…but I love to watch you go," he said playfully.

This immediately caused Anna to laugh out loud. She threw her head back into a full laugh as her eyes closed and his heart melted a little more. "You're a fool Mr. Bates," she said low enough for him to hear her.

"I'm only a fool for you Miss Smith," he said back. _"A fool in love," _he thought as he closed up the tailgate to the truck.

* * *

Throughout the day he tried to stop by her classroom in between breaks if only to catch a glimpse of her. There were times where he would actually stop by long enough to give her a wave or wink and the two would share a smile. Other times he would simply stand by the doorway to her class and watch her sitting at her desk, deep in thought, while the children colored or played. She certainly had a way with children. Anna wasn't the type to just leave them to their own devices, she was almost always involved in whatever they were doing and he loved her all the more for it. He couldn't help but think that someday she would make an amazing mother and hopefully, someday, it would be to children of their own. He knew it was foolish to think of such things so soon. After all they had only declared their love to one another days earlier, but he already knew Anna was the one for him. Even though he was approaching his mid-forties he knew a woman of Anna's age would still want a family and if that's what would make her happy he wanted to give that to her.

* * *

They quickly learned that in the lunchroom all eyes were on them and John had picked up on the rumblings from other teachers that they were a topic of conversation. Not wanting to appear too obvious they would try to stager their arrival and departure times in the teachers' lunchroom. John would try to beat Anna there every time so that he could buy her lunch, but he found her to be just as eager to get there. Usually by the time the children stopped asking him questions he would find that Anna already had a tray of food ready for him. As a result, and much to her delight, John was finally eating more.

Even though everyone was curious as to what was going on between the two of them they would still be the only one's sitting at _their_ table. Occasionally, one of them would allow their foot to drift to the other's side of the table and lightly touch the others. It was just as it was before with the stolen glances and fleeting touches that didn't seem to last long enough, but it would have to be enough for now. Initially John was upset with the ever curious staff; after all it was their free time to do what they wanted. Anna noticed John was looking rather pensive and was munching on his carrots rather aggressively with his arms crossed. "What's the matter Mr. Bates?" she asked.

"Hmmm," he replied.

"You've been chewing on the same carrot for the last five minutes, I imagine it's probably mush by now," she said and he grinned at her.

"I'm feeling a bit like a bear at the zoo on display over here," he commented.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

John sat quietly for a moment and then he said, "Let me show you." As he went to lean in slowly to speak to her she noticed that half the teachers in the room had slightly leaned forward as well, the slightest movement of the chairs squeaking across the floor could be easily heard. And John gave Anna a half smile as he leaned a little closer. As he was now aware of the onlookers John lowered his voice "In case you hadn't noticed Miss Smith, we've somehow managed to grab an empty table every day that I've been here. And we seem to be playing center stage to the cafeteria patrons."

Anna looked around nervously and saw that the teachers that were originally looking at them had all quickly turned their attention back to their plates. Anna had to restrain her laughter and covered her mouth with her napkin as John winked back at her. "I'm sorry. I usually sit with Gwen and Ethel, I guess they are keeping their distance to allow me some time to myself with you," she explained.

"Ah, and do they know…well you know..." he motioned his hand back and forth between them, "…what's going on between us?"

"No," she answered. "I think they suspect there is something there and I imagine that's why all my other coworkers are so curious to know about the fireman that's stolen my heart," she said in a low voice.

"I've stolen you heart have I?" he asked softly.

"Oh yes, most definitely," she replied with a smile.

"You must have dated other people before, a pretty girl like you," he said and he raised an eyebrow as he looked to her for an answer.

"Not since Mark," she said, "and after Ethan…well I just didn't see the point anymore." She lowered her eyes and stared at the tray before her, "I just couldn't risk losing someone again."

"Anna…" John looked around and cleared his throat, "You'll never lose me…not unless you want to." She finally looked back up at him and she wiped at her eye where a tear had just begun to form. He turned his attention back to the staff in the lunchroom as he scooted back into place. John allowed her a moment to calm herself. He hesitated for a moment but he knew she would answer honestly and he couldn't help himself. "Do you think your friends would approve of me going out with you _Miss Smith_?" he asked as he elongated the letters of her name.

She heard the question, but she knew what he was really asking was would she let her friend's feelings toward him affect her feelings toward him. Anna hadn't thought of that, the only one she had thought about before was her mother's reaction to John. She supposed Gwen and Ethel would have just been happy that she was finally happy again. But she supposed it might be best for her to keep John's past a secret to avoid any unfair judgment on their part. Not wanting to lie to John she said, "I think they would be happy for me knowing that I'm finally going out again."

"You didn't answer my question," John said and he was a little hurt that she had side stepped the question. But he understood, after all, he had been married before and he was a recovering alcoholic and addict that had met Anna at an A.A. meeting. He wasn't exactly batting a thousand when it came to a gleaming boyfriend résumé. He didn't want to push her or make her feel uncomfortable; least of all he didn't want to make her second guess her decision to date him. "It's okay Anna, I understand. I have made a lot of mistakes in my past life I have to make up for. But, I'll do whatever I have to do to prove I'm worthy of you."

A smile played on her face and she wanted so badly to hold him in that moment and to apologize for not telling her friends about him yet. She didn't want to make him feel ashamed and she certainly wasn't embarrassed of him. If anything he had been the only one that had been able to save her, she thought more highly of him than anyone else in that room. The silence between them was becoming uncomfortable and John was taking pleasure in the fact that he could see people were still watching them. "So Miss Smith…what do you think your coworkers would think if I did this?" he asked as he reached for the salt in the center of the table but allowed his fingers to drift over her arm. He saw as Anna held her breath for a moment and her cheeks immediately flushed. It thrilled him to know that he could have such an impact on her without doing much. When he went to put the salt back he did it again and saw Anna retract her arm a bit as he tickled her forearm with the tips of his fingers. A shiver ran up her spine and she had to avert her eyes as she thought of what it must be like to have those fingers running up and down her body.

"Well, we may not know what they will do, but we certainly know what you would do," he said flirtatiously. He became bolder and the old John began to make himself known. If half the school knew they were together and the other half suspected they were together then what was the point of keeping things professional and formal? John knew, it was to keep her dignity intact. Whatever happened to him was of little consequence, but he couldn't allow his actions to ruin Anna's reputation here. But it didn't mean he couldn't have a little fun. John leaned forward again almost to the point of whispering in her ear, "And what do you think they would do if I kissed you?"

Anna's eyes widened, her eye brows raised, her cheeks flushed, and her breath hitched in her chest. "What?" was all she could manage to get out.

"Don't make me repeat it, or you might tempt me to act upon it," his voice almost a low growl and his eyes darkened. This was a first; Anna had never heard him like this before. Aside from the time he had snapped at her in the hotel he had always been soft spoken and nothing but respectful. She began to lean forward, her lips slowly parting, his head turning toward her. Every part of her was aching to have his lips on hers and then the bell rang. They spell had been broken and they both jumped back into their seats, sitting upright. "Saved by the bell," he said with a hopeless sigh. He rose from his seat and took their trays to the trash. As he passed by her again to head to the door and he leaned down to say "I'll see you later Miss Smith." When he passed the table that Gwen and Ethel had been sitting at, he gave a small salute and tipped his cap as he said, "Ladies." They blushed and looked towards Anna as John walked down the hallway.

* * *

During the recess break John stood on the sidelines with the teaching staff that was mostly female but made an effort to stand in closer proximity to Anna. It wasn't lost on her that some of the other teachers had taken an interest in John as well, but after overhearing them in the break room she realized they were more attracted to the idea of him being a fireman than they were to him. Still, she couldn't help but notice the twinge of jealousy that had developed out of nowhere. Anna walked off to where the kids were on the playground and John watched her pushing little George and Sybbie Crawley on the swings.

Gwen snuck up behind him and said, "She's very fond of you."

"Really, I hadn't noticed," John said sarcastically.

"Look John I like you and I can tell Anna does too. She's my best friend and I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. If you do anything to hurt her…I'll…" Gwen nearly finished and John cut her off.

"Gwen, I love Miss Smith very much and I have nothing but honorable intentions. I know I don't owe you an explanation but she saved my life. She may tell you that I'm a hero but it would hurt me more to lose her than it would for her to lose me," he said.

"You need say no more," Gwen said.

"Good, maybe you can tell the rest of the hens that I'm spoken for. I don't need Miss Smith to think I've got a wandering eye," he said as he walked towards the playground.

When he passed Anna he threw a smile her way and silently offered to push Sybbie beside her. The little girl looked up and acknowledged John with a wide grin, "Hi Uncle John."

"Hello Miss Sybbie," he said sweetly.

"Hi Uncle John!" George shouted as Anna pushed him higher.

"Hello George," he greeted, "you're looking rather handsome today." The boy laughed out loud before begging Anna to push him higher. "You better watch yourself around Miss Smith. That's my girl you know?" he joked.

"I don't like girls," George replied.

"What about Sybbie?" Anna asked.

"She's not a girl, she's my cousin!" he argued.

"Well, one day you will feel differently about them," John said.

"Nope!" he countered. This time when Anna pushed he jumped off while in the air and took off running toward a group of boys to play.

"He's got a stubborn streak, like his mother," Anna quipped.

John looked down at Sybbie as he pushed her some more, "What about you Miss Sybbie? Do you like boys?"

"I like everybody," she replied kindly.

"Of course you do. I must have forgotten who I was talking to. You're just like your mother," he said.

"You knew my mother?" she asked.

"Not well, but yes I met her a few times. She had nothing but kind words to say about everyone she met, even me," he said.

The bell rang for the children to return to class. John stopped pushing Sybbie on the swing and Anna held out her hand for the little girl to follow her back to class. "Anna you run on ahead I have something for Sybbie," he said. Anna shot him a curious look, "I'll see her back to your class, I promise." Anna nodded as she began to get the children from her class to form a line.

John bent down to meet Sybbie's eye level. "Miss Sybbie, I need to ask a favor of you," John said as he saw Anna walking off.

* * *

Just as the children were settling into their seats Anna saw Sybbie walk into the class. Anna turned her back to the class as she went write something on the board. As she began to write a word on the board she heard a small sniffle come from behind her. She turned back and saw Sybbie poking her head just over the desk.

"Sybbie, is there a reason you aren't sitting in your seat at your desk?" Anna asked. Sybbie wiped her nose on her sleeve and simply held out her hand to reveal a small folded piece of paper. "What's this?" Anna asked.

"Uncle John asked me to give it to you," she answered back.

"Thank you, Sybbie. You can return to your seat," Anna said. The little girl headed back to her seat, her pigtails bouncing as she skipped back happily. Anna stared at the piece of folded paper for a moment, "Class please start copying the letters on the board." Anna slowly unfolded the piece of paper and read it silently to herself.

_"My dearest Anna,_

_I know it's my last day here but I wanted to put your mind at ease. You wanted to know if things would always be this way. Well I want you to know the romance doesn't have to end here. I would like to cook something for you since I haven't been able to officially take you out yet. I know this probably sounds like a risk since you are well aware of my cooking skills by now. But I promise it will be worth it. _

_Will you join me for dinner? Circle yes or no_

_If it helps my chances I really like you_

_Love,_

_John"_

Anna looked up and saw John standing in the door way watching her. She turned to grab a pen from her desk. She took her time writing something on the paper and for a moment John began to get nervous that she would turn him down. Anna headed back to the door and handed him back the folded piece of paper and returned to her lesson. John unfolded the piece of paper and read through it quickly.

_"John,_

_After careful consideration I have decided to accept your invitation despite your abysmal cooking skills. But, only under the condition that you let me help you with dinner. And because I know you're worth it._

_Love,_

_Anna"_

Anna had drawn a heart around the "yes" and John smiled across the room at her. _"She thinks I'm worth it,"_ he thought to himself.


	13. A New Addiction

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this updated. I had a vid I made earlier this week that took longer than I thought to complete. But for your patience you are rewarded with an extra long chapter of Banna and it's a little drama with a lot of fluff. So here is where the dreaded M rating comes in, LOL. I think I still kept it fairly clean but a little hot and heavy. If that's not your thing just stop reading after they finish dinner. You can't say I didn't warn you. A little of John's edgier side re-emerges but in a good way. Let me know what you all think, this is a first attempt at this sort of a love scene for myself. If you like it I can write more, but I'll wait to see how that all pans out. As always, reviews are encouraged as are ideas/suggestions. **

**Disclaimer-I'm no richer now that I was before I wrote this smut chapter. Although I suspect I'll be more popular in the Banna community for this. But I can't exactly cash that in. Julian Fellowes can take all the credit he wants for creating Anna & Bates but until I get a sexier scene on my screen I'm taking credit for this scene here. Hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter 13**

**A New Addiction**

Anna ran around her flat like a woman possessed. Even though John had been to her home before it was the first time he would be here for what she considered to be a first date. Everything that came before that had been in friendship or had been restricted because of fear that someone at her work would see them together. But now there was nothing holding them back, no prying eyes, no meetings, and no internal fears that would hinder their efforts to be together. She did one last scan of the apartment as she tried to clean up anything that might have been dusty or out of place. Her hair was still wrapped up in a towel as she headed to her room to review her clothing selection once more. The more she stared at it though the more she had an inkling that she should go with a different outfit altogether. She glanced at the clock and realized she did not have time to mull over another outfit selection, John would be here in another half hour and she still hadn't dried her hair or done her make up. She let out an exasperated sigh, _"This one will have to do."_

* * *

John walked up the path to her flat, grocery bags in hand. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for her. He had finished up with work earlier than Anna so it gave him time to go to the station for a shower and a change of clothes. He didn't want to be wearing his uniform on their first date; she had seen him in it all week so he had opted for a bit of change. When Anna still hadn't arrived at the door after a few minutes he rang the doorbell, shifting the weight of the grocery bags in his hands a bit. He smiled to himself as he imagined she was probably still getting ready trying to look her best for him. Little did she know she didn't have to do much to impress him. He was in love with her just as she was with or without makeup, hair up or down, skirts or jeans. She was flawless to him.

Finally he heard her voice calling from the other side of the door, "Go ahead and let yourself in! I'm running a little bit behind!" A small chuckle escaped John's mouth when he realized he had been right. He let himself in and began to remove his shoes, still juggling the bags in his hand, a small bouquet of flowers in the other. He knew he already got her one earlier in the week but he thought this might make a nice center piece while they shared dinner. He remembered his mother telling him long ago that women like that sort of thing, "A man who can pay attention to the details and listen is all they want, John." Even with her gone John heeded her words; he knew she had never been a fan of Vera. Looking back on it now all the reasons his mother gave him to not be with Vera were all the reasons he should be with Anna. He liked to think that his mother would have loved Anna and would have been happy to know that she was his reason for turning his life around.

"How long do you think you'll be?" he called out to her. The trip to the grocery store had taken him a little longer than he had hoped as he had trouble finding some of the ingredients that Alfred had asked for. He had also taken a little longer to change than usual. It was his first time seeing Anna while they were dating and when he wasn't in his work uniform. On the way to the grocery store he stopped off to buy some new shirts since everything in his closet was black. He wasn't big on change. He supposed if he was ever going to change for anyone, Anna would be the one.

"Not much longer, just finishing up my hair," she said and with that he playfully rolled his eyes. Years of experience had taught him that when a girl used vague terms like that it meant she would be awhile. Once he freed his feet of his shoes he took a quick glimpse down the hallway and saw the light coming from the bathroom door. It couldn't have been open more than an inch but he could just barely make out a bit of her in the mirror finishing up her make up. He stared for a just a moment, not wanting to spoil the surprise and wanting to get dinner started. But that small preview of what was to come left him smiling and he felt warmth spread through his chest.

"Take your time, I'll start prepping the food," he called back to her.

As he made his way back to the kitchen he couldn't help but pause as he thought to himself, _"If we were to live together this is what it would be like every day. Not needing a key to come in-Anna would already be here with dinner on the stove and a clean house. She'd wrap her arms around me and kiss me like I'd been gone for ages. Or I could sneak up behind her and surprise her with dinner and she'd kiss me anyway for being so thoughtful. What a way to come home." _John sighed contentedly and grinned at the thought of it. He tried to make some space on the counter to set the bags down and start removing their contents and saw that Anna still had the flowers from earlier in the week on the window sill in a glass vase. Even though the flowers weren't holding up as well as he hoped they would, he was touched that she still had them up. He removed the old roses and replaced them with new flowers after cleaning the vase and adding some fresh water.

"You got daffodils this time?" her voice came from behind him.

John was already smiling in anticipation of seeing her. Somehow whenever she spoke to him the tone of her voice perked up just a little above normal and it pleased him to know that he had some part in making her happy. "Yeah, I thought we could try something different," he said as he continued to arrange the flowers with his back to her. "I know how you women like surprises, don't want to start settling into the same ole routine until…well…later," he joked as he turned to look at her. The mere sight of her made him lose all track of his thoughts, words ceased to form and his jaw dropped. "_How did she do it?_" he asked himself. Somehow she could take the simplest outfit and make it look remarkable. A simple light blue spring dress that made her eyes pop more than usual with a thin white belt around her waist that made her look even more dainty-as if that were possible. Her hair hung down around her shoulders and two small decorated hair pins held it back behind her ears. She didn't wear much in the way of jewelry, only a pair of simple, small diamond earrings. Being that she was indoors she didn't even bother to put on shoes and she lightly made her way toward him in her bare feet. It was the most sensual thing he thought he had ever seen. Here she was all dressed up for him and yet there was something so casual and free about her walking in like a little nymph without her shoes on. The sight of her feet reminded him of that first night with her when he had held them so delicately in his hands and he felt like he was trying to swallow a stone. John held out his hand up for her to stop, "Hold on."

"What's wrong?" she asked with a look of concern.

"Nothing," he said in a voice barely above a whisper, "absolutely nothing." His voice began to trail off as he tried to let his thoughts catch up with his heart. "You just look…exquisite and I want to remember this." The sincerity in his voice made her heart melt.

His words had clearly touched her as her hand flew to her mouth. She wanted to envelope him in her arms but he still held his hand up. He turned back to the vase and pulled a daffodil out and walked over to her with the flower, "You look incredible love. You put these flowers to shame looking as lovely as you do." His voice was low and husky and she could feel something stirring in the pit of her stomach. She tried her hardest not to blush but he kissed her on the cheek and then allowed his lips to travel to hers.

His little bit of stubble grazed across her cheek and she felt herself losing control. She finally had to pull away or she knew they would never get to eat anything he had planned on preparing for the night. Not that she would have complained, but she knew it meant so much to him to make dinner for her. When they parted she felt herself gasping for air and all she could manage to get out was, "I love daffodils."

"Then I shall have to plant a field of them for you if that's the reaction I can expect from a handful of them," he joked as he went back to the counter to remove stuff from the bags. "Ok, so I'm going to need a pot and a skillet," he said as he began to check the cupboards.

Anna began to head over to help him, "Oh here, let me help you…"

"Nonsense," he cut her off, "you will sit and keep me company while I cook."

"John," she began to argue.

"No," he said simply.

"John!" her voice getting a little louder.

"No!" he said back at an equal volume as he began to usher her to sit down at the table. "Look I know you can be stubborn and in our relationship I will probably give in to you…a lot," he said and she raised an eyebrow at him as he smiled, "but I draw the line here." He came back to the table and handed her the loaf of bread and a butter knife, "You worked hard and I want to give you a home cooked meal."

Anna lifted the top to the butter dish on the table and began to tear off a piece of bread and buttered it, "That's not fair you worked just as hard."

"It's plenty fair," he said once he located the pot and he began to fill it with water. "You deal with twenty screaming kids all day and all I do is sweep in for a few hours and play the hero and that's that," he reasoned.

"Yes but you don't play a hero, you are one," she said as she watched him turn on the burners to the stove. He was either choosing to ignore her comment or hadn't heard her at all. He was concentrating ever so hard and she couldn't help but notice that he was wearing a grey dress shirt with black slacks. It wasn't a huge improvement, but it was different from his all black appearance that he had been sporting since they met. "_God could he fill out those slacks," _she thought as she bit at her lower lip. The pants left little to the imagination as they clung at his back side and it was the first time she had seen him with his hair styled. She decided then and there that she liked him better without the product, but he would have looked gorgeous either way. So long as she got to see that one rebel strand continue to fall forward she was quite content.

"You clean up nicely," she said.

"Mmmm, what's that?" he asked as he read over a piece of paper and his eyes squinted a bit producing that crinkle on the sides of his eyes that she loved so much.

"I was just commenting on how handsome you look tonight," she said.

"Why thank you," he replied with his infamous half smile as he kept his attentions on following the recipe.

She nearly laughed when she saw him swipe at the strand of hair hanging in front of his eye and just as quickly as he had pushed it back it fell back into place. John began chopping the garlic and let the olive oil warm in the pan for a bit. "So what are we having?" she finally asked as she admired his arms tighten and relax as he chopped the garlic into fine pieces.

"We are having pasta with shrimp scampi," he said as he continued to focus on the task at hand. Then it dawned on him, he didn't even know if she liked seafood. "Oh, man, I didn't even check to see if you liked sea food. I also bought some stuff for salad."

"No, it's fine. That all sounds great," she said with a smile as she fiddled with the place-mats on the table for the hundredth time.

"If you want you can help with the salad," he said as he looked back at her, "I know you can't sit still for long without doing something."

She immediately jumped up and went to grab the supplies for a salad and lingered at his side as she leaned across him to grab a knife for the tomatoes. "Excuse me," she said seductively.

"You're excused," he said as he tried his hardest not to let her break his concentration. Her breast slid by his arm as she squeezed past him to grab the knife and he felt a stir in his pants. John had to think of every non-sexual thing he could to calm himself down. The smell of her perfume wafting around him even after she returned to the other side of the kitchen.

"John?" she asked.

"Hmmm," he said as he added the garlic to the pan and watched it brown.

"What is this?" she asked. Only this time her tone sounded angry. John turned back to look at her and saw her brow had furrowed as she held up the bottle of wine.

"That's white wine," he replied.

"Why does a recovering alcoholic have white wine?" she asked him.

"Now hold on don't be upset, it's for the meal," he said as he began to explain.

"John, I can't believe you would bring this into my home," she said as she set it down angrily on the counter.

"No, Anna it's for the sauce see," he said as he held up the piece of paper, "it's just for flavor." She stared at the paper and she suddenly felt horrible for practically scolding him like a child. "If you want you can be in charge of adding the wine to the sauce. You can even have a drink in front of me, it won't bother me."

"Oh John, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions," she said apologetically.

"No, it's okay. You have every right to question me or doubt me when you see something like that. I mean I understand after what happened with your brother and what with my past and all," he said.

"No, it's not okay," she said as she placed a hand on his cheek and looked him straight in the eyes, "you've never given me reason to doubt you. Even when you tried to push me away and tell me to move on, you were trying to do right by me. I've never known anyone that acted so selflessly or gallantly as you have."

"Anna, I'd do anything for you. All you have to do is ask," he said and they both shared a smile before she kissed him once more. Her arms wrapped around his waist. He adjusted himself so he could keep an eye on the garlic in the pan and placed his arm around her shoulder. John added the shrimp, crushed red pepper, salt, butter, and pepper. They sat there silently for awhile as the food cooked and he traced small circles on her shoulder with his hand. He was concentrating hard to make sure he got everything just right and she was enamored of him. No one had ever tried to master a skill for her and Mark had certainly never attempted to cook for her. Anna reached for the wine and handed it to him for him to pop the cork. He poured it into a measuring cup for her and she added it to the skillet as she squeezed him a little tighter. "See, we make a pretty good team," he said as he leaned over to kiss the top of her head.

"Here I was worried you would burn my place down after what you told me earlier this week. But you seem to be doing just fine," she said sweetly and he gave her one of his half smiles. "So who taught you to cook like this?" she asked.

"One of my subordinates, Alfred. He might make a better chef than a fire fighter but I can't say he doesn't try," he answered.

"Oh yeah, so is he your friend?" she asked as the sauce simmered.

"I don't know that I'd call him a friend. I mean we haven't known each other long," he said. "Truth is I haven't had a friend in a while."

"What about Tom?" she asked.

"Tom is a good guy and I like his family, but he's more of an acquaintance," he explained as he lost himself in thought. Anna scrunched her face as she contemplated what he had just said. She wasn't sure what he meant by that. She knew he considered her a friend but she had certainly known him for less time than he had known Tom and possibly Alfred.

"So the only friend you have is Robert?" she asked.

"And you," he replied sweetly as he looked down at her. He let go of her long enough to strain the pasta from the boiling water. She was flattered by his comment but she was also concerned for him.

"No one else?" she asked.

John sort of snapped for a minute as he dropped the colander filled with the pasta in the sink, "God Anna what does it matter if I have friends or not!" The pasta flew up for a moment as a giant lump and came back down with a thud shortly after the colander. A few pieces had fallen out but John paid no mind to it. He quickly regretted the way he reacted and he saw she had jumped back for a moment. Things had been going so well and he had ruined the evening. John felt like he made a mess of everything, maybe he should just excuse himself now. Clearly he couldn't even hold a successful conversation with the one person that believed in him most. If that was the case, was there any hope of him being able to hold a conversation with anyone else without snapping at them? He felt the persistent shake in his hand return and he closed his eyes. The sound of explosions from that day in the building with William came flooding back and John shuddered. Anna saw as his jaw clenched and his posture became stiff, he leaned against the sink with the palms of his hand anchoring himself to the counter.

Anna calmly placed her hand on his and John slowly opened his eyes. He still couldn't bear to look at her after having embarrassed himself. She debated on whether or not to say something but when she saw his jaw relax she could tell he was coming back to her. "I only asked because I wanted to make sure you had support when I'm not around. After all I won't be seeing you as much next week when you return to the fire house," she reasoned.

He felt his heart swell with love for her. No matter how hard he pushed she pushed back harder to get into his heart. When he snapped she found a way to look past it and calm him. She didn't even care that he hadn't apologized yet; all she wanted to do was make sure that he would be okay. She was his saving grace and no matter what she said he knew deep in his heart he didn't have a right to her. But he was smart enough to know that he didn't have the right to turn her away either. "Anna, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I can go if you want."

"No, I don't want you to go," she said. "It's okay, see? The pasta is still fine and you haven't burnt the sauce…yet." He looked over at her and she offered a playful smile. He bit down nervously on his lower lip. He didn't want to laugh. It wasn't because he hadn't found her remark funny, but he didn't want her to think he wasn't taking his outburst seriously. He really was trying, God help him he was trying.

"I must sound like a broken record to you. I keep having these outbursts and I can't seem to stop apologizing to you," he said as he turned off the burners.

"John, I've come to accept in life that things aren't perfect. And I don't mean just you; you can include me in that statement. The important thing is you have recognized that you aren't perfect, you want to change it, and you are making an effort to get better. Not even Ethan was able to do that," she said sadly.

"Oh Anna I didn't mean to…" he said as he now placed his hand over her own and squeezed it gently.

She quickly cut him off, "Look I don't want you to worry about tip toeing around the topic of Ethan. It's been almost two years and although I'll never be completely over what happened he still is my brother and I don't want to avoid talking about him. I'll promise to stop comparing you to him if you promise to keep doing what you are doing to get better. Deal?"

Anna had now extended her hand out to him to shake on it. John stared at her for a moment and took her hand in his own to shake, "Deal." They continued to hold hands, both of them enjoying the contact and never wanting it to end. John cleared his throat before he said, "You should go sit down so I can serve you. I still have to toss the pasta in the sauce and I don't want the food to be cold when you finally eat it."

Anna grabbed two plates and two bowls from the cupboard and began to set the table. John stared at her as she moved effortlessly around the kitchen like a little fairy-no an angel. She had been sent to him to be his guardian angel and he counted his blessings every day that he had her in his life.

* * *

The meal went off without a hitch and John smiled to himself as he saw Anna practically inhaling her plate. At one point he tried his best to stifle a laugh, but was unsuccessful. Anna's face contorted and as she slurped up the last bit of a noodle she asked "What?"

John fell in love with her more in that moment and he had to admit he was impressed that she hadn't managed to get any of that sauce on her dress. "No, nothing I'm glad you like it."

"Like it, I love it. That's some of the best pasta and shrimp scampi I've ever had," she said.

"Would you like more?" he asked.

"Oh no, I probably shouldn't. Wouldn't want to ruin my girlish figure," she joked. "But I think I'll help myself to some more wine," she said as she began to rise up.

John immediately rose from his chair and motioned for her to sit down, "I've got it."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"What you don't trust me?" he countered.

"No, I trust you implicitly. I just meant you've already done so much," she said sweetly.

"As have you. More than you know," he said as he poured her another glass. "Besides wine isn't my vice," he assured her.

"If you don't mind my asking what is your vice? I mean aside from the pain killers?" she asked.

John hated this part. He knew the conversation would eventually emerge, he had hoped it wouldn't be that night. He didn't want to keep secrets from her. To be fair she wasn't requiring him to answer or even demanding it. In fact, the way she phrased it almost sounded as if she felt she was intruding on his privacy. But he never wanted Anna to feel that she was an imposition or cramping his lifestyle by asking such a thing. He began soaking the pan in the sink before turning to face her, "Well when I was on the pain pills it could have been anything that would have knocked me out, but if I had to pick a favorite it would have been whiskey." She sat quietly for a while tracing her finger around the top of her glass. For the first time ever John wished he could read her mind, know what she thought of him and if his statement would change the way she thought of him. "Anna?" he asked in an unsteady voice.

"Hmm?" she emerged from her thoughts.

"What were you thinking just now?" he asked.

"I can't tell you," she said.

"Sure you can," he said as he wiped his wet hands on the dish cloth.

"No, it would be breaking our deal," she said quietly.

"Ah. Well you know we just barely made that agreement. I suppose it is hard to break the habit of talking about your brother," he said. John came back to the table and sat beside her. He scooted his chair a little closer to her and brought her hand to his mouth as he kissed her knuckles one by one. "Come on this was our rule. I think we can mutually agree to bend it when we choose. Now tell me. What were you thinking my love?"

She flashed a smile at him. Something about the way he called her "love" with that hint of an Irish accent sent her head spinning. "I was just thinking that I'm proud of you. That I'm confident you'll make a full recovery…and not just from your withdrawals, but all of it. I'm not naïve, I know it will take time but I'm here with you every step of the way. You are making bigger strides than Ethan ever did. And you have no idea how much it means to me that you didn't avoid the question and were honest with me," she said.

John turned away for a moment as he felt tears beginning to sting his eyes. He was speechless and he wasn't even ashamed that he was crying. They were tears of joy. He felt the words catching in his throat and he wiped at his eyes. "What on earth did I ever do in this life or any others that came before it to deserve you?" he asked.

Anna bit on her lower lip for a moment and he thought she might be considering and answer to his question but instead she threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around him. Her lips crashed into his and John was practically thrown back into his seat as he felt her weight sink into him. Suddenly he didn't know what to do with his hands; he had wanted this, dreamed of this moment for so long and yet he had been so unprepared that he found himself at a loss. His brain finally kicked and he instinctively wrapped his hands around her waist. His hands began to travel up and grabbed at the soft curls that were gathered at the tips of her long tresses. Her breasts were pressed firmly against his chest and he moaned with pleasure. Their long deep kisses continued and he felt that soon one of them would devour the other.

Anna pushed his collar aside and began kissing around his neck. Anna caught sight of his chest hair beginning to pop out above his collar and she quickly went to work at the button that prevented it from escaping. His after shave was intoxicating and the more she inhaled the more she wanted to take him in. She whimpered slightly when the hair was released from its confines and Anna ran her hands across the breadth of his shoulders. She didn't waste any time removing the rest of the buttons as John continued to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. His tongue slid along the length of her neck and he nibbled on her collar bone as he peppered her face with kisses. She was desperately trying to focus on undoing the last of the buttons. When she finally popped the last button free she quickly parted his shirt to the sides and revealed his manly chest covered by a white sleeveless undershirt. Only now she could more clearly see the outline of his torso, chest, and abs. His large arms were draped around her and she had never felt safer. After weeks of temptation and not being able to touch or say what they wanted there was nothing stopping them now and John Bates was quickly becoming her new addiction.

John was still trying to get his bearings. Anna had never done anything more than innocent flirting and had always been so soft spoken. Now here she was taking the lead and practically mounting him. Not that he was complaining as he felt himself begin to harden beneath her touch. He was still trying to keep a sense of decorum about him. "Anna, we shouldn't…I mean this isn't what tonight was supposed to be about," he managed to choke out. She only continued to run her finger nails along his back as she covered his mouth with her own and her tongue darted back and forth exploring him completely. "Anna please…I…I…ugh," she was now running her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp with her fingertips. The sensation was unlike anything he had ever experienced and it made his toes curl.

John quickly realized she had no intention of stopping as she continued to ignore his pleas. He tried to shift to a more comfortable position in the dining chair as there was no arm rests to lean against but there really wasn't much he could do and he didn't want to ruin the moment. He would simply have to grin and bear it. Her hot breath was pushing him to his limits and he swore at one point he heard her whisper in his ear, "Take me John." Perhaps he had imagined it; he couldn't be sure. He felt as though he were swimming in the most intoxicating alcohol he had ever had the pleasure of drinking and he clung to her like a life jacket. If he could bottle Anna up he would drink her in all day.

He let his hands run down the length of her smooth legs and up to her thighs as he ever so slowly pushed her dress up just enough to gain access to her hips. _"My God she feels incredible,"_ he thought to himself as he allowed his hands to wander a little more. With his left hand he grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in for an earth shattering kiss and he felt her smile against his lips. His right hand slid underneath her bottom and he grabbed it tightly as she began to wrap her legs around him. Suddenly he wasn't so disappointed that there wasn't an arm rest, in fact he was grateful. The new position gave him more access to feel her above him as she wriggled about. He removed the pins from her hair and it all came cascading down around him. For the first time in the last few minutes he made eye contact with her and she looked so pure, so exposed, and on fire. He was in a trance until she asked "What are you waiting for?"

"What do you mean?" he asked as he swallowed hard and wet his lips.

She laughed into his shoulder as she asked, "Jesus, John do I have to spell it out for you?"

"What?" he was taken aback. He was enjoying every minute of it but he hadn't expected tonight to go beyond what they were doing now.

"Do you not want to do anything tonight?" she asked as she began to unwrap her legs from his waist and sat upright. She pushed her hair back behind her ears which John was beginning to notice was a nervous trait. She did it when she felt unsure of herself or uneasy and he raised his hand to her cheek. He stroked it with the pad of his thumb. "I know you've probably been with other women… well obviously I mean you were married. But I mean being that you're older than me and all," now she was rambling and was really embarrassed. But John couldn't have been more charmed by her innocence, she could be so endearing. Other women was the furthest thing from his mind.

"I'll do anything you want so long as that is what you want. I'd wait forever for you Anna…I mean I've already waited my whole life for you," he said trying to calm himself down in case she changed her mind. And just like that she was on him again. Except now that John knew what she wanted he was finally taking the lead and was proving to be an equal partner. Their breathing became heavier and more sporadic as he began to unzip the back of her dress. Anna let her hand drift to his hardened length between his legs and she gasped a bit. She shouldn't have been surprised he was a big man after all; it only stood to reason he would be well endowed. She began to undo his belt and undid his zipper. John stopped her hand for a moment, "Hold on, not…not like this." Anna was beginning to look discouraged; she didn't know that she could take any more of these false starts no matter how much she loved John.

In one fell swoop John lifted her up and began to carry her towards the bedroom. He picked her up so effortlessly that she may as well have been a rag doll to him as he flung her over his shoulder. Thankfully he was already familiar with the layout of the house from before so he didn't have to ask which way to go and fumble about like an awkward teenager. Anna giggled as he shifted her about in his hands being careful not to bump her into any of the walls as he turned the corner to travel down the hallway. He wasn't tickling her so he couldn't fathom what she was laughing about but he found that even the sound of her laughter was arousing him now. _"Perhaps the wine effects of the wine were kicking in,"_ he thought to himself. "What's so funny?" he asked as he hitched her up a little higher, her head and upper body hanging over the back of his shoulder.

She covered her mouth with her hands and he heard her laugh so hard that a snort came out that only caused him to smile more. "You're pants are beginning to fall down," she said in between laughs. John hadn't even noticed but he now realized he still had the length of the hallway to maneuver and it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to walk for more than one reason. As the pants slid further down John had to be careful to take smaller steps or surely they would both take a nasty fall. "Is this what it's like when you rescue all the ladies from burning buildings?" she asked.

"No," he said, "but it's proving to be a little more difficult carrying you."

He grunted as he continued to carry her over his shoulder and she feigned anger as she asked, "Why because I'm so heavy?"

"Oh please," he shot back as he nearly kicked in the door to her bedroom. "No, my love," he said as he gently set her down on the edge of the bed, "it's because I'm normally not sporting a hard on when I'm carrying the damsels in distress over my shoulder."

"You have such a way with words. Lay some more of that romantic dialogue on me," she said sarcastically.

"Oh I'll lay something on you," he said flirtatiously as he completely removed his belt that had begun to cut him off at the knees. He let his pants pool around him on the floor.

"John Bates!" she said as she began to scoot back to the center of the bed.

John grabbed at her ankles and pulled her back closer to him and she squealed with delight, "Don't you 'John Bates' me you naughty girl. I'm well aware of your tactics now."

"I don't know what you are talking about," she replied sheepishly as John let her go for a moment. Anna tried to crawl away but he grabbed the comforter and pulled it bringing Anna closer to him once more.

"Sure you do, you play the innocent party to lure men like me in," he said accusingly as she moved to the other side of the bed but in one quick movement he was on the other side of the bed. "Just when I think it's safe to let my guard down you reveal yourself to be a sexy little temptress. And here I thought you were trying to get me on the straight and narrow," he joked and she laughed nervously as he moved his hand toward her. But this time she didn't pull away. She wanted to be near to him, as close as was humanly possible. She stared at him as the light from the moon poured in through the bedroom window. She could make out his silhouette and the closer he moved the more was revealed. She could now see his tall, muscular frame standing before her; his eyes darkened; and his hair disheveled. Everything about him was perfection in her eyes.

"You want me to lay some romantic dialogue on you?" he asked and she held her breath as she nodded her head. "Lean back," he instructed. She immediately did as she was asked, "Now close your eyes." She hesitated for a moment but she finally did and smiled in the dark. John could just barely make out the hint of a smile but he could see it and it stirred a feeling in the pit of his belly. He was still standing over her on the edge of the bed and he brought his lips to her ankle, "I'm going to take you back to where it all began." She scrunched her eye brows with her eyes still closed and John began to kiss her ankle. "I still remember that first time I saw you, wishing I could hold you, wanting to make you mine," he said and she moaned a little at his touch. His lightly calloused hands were touching her as they had that first night. He began to run his hands up her thighs and planted a kiss on each of her calves, "Thinking I could never do enough right in this world to deserve someone like you."

"John…" she said and he quickly placed his finger to her lips to silence her.

"That first night when I brought you here to your room and placed you in this bed before I turned off the light you said my name, my first name," he said as his hands hovered above her and gently glided across her stomach and breasts. "It was barely audible but I heard you say it in your sleep and that's when I knew I was on your mind. I was a goner after that," he explained.

"John…" she pleaded once more.

"Yeah you said it just like that," he joked and a small laugh escaped him. "I thought for sure once you knew my truth and my past you wouldn't want anything to do with me. But instead you sought me out at my weakest moment and saw me at my worst. You didn't judge and you sat with me all night holding a cold rag to my head," he continued as he kissed her temple and ran the pad of his thumb along her hair line.

She stirred a little on the comforter and he moved his hands up to the straps of her dress and lightly slid his fingers underneath them. Allowing his fingers to linger there for a moment and tickle her shoulders for a moment. He pulled the straps back and began to slowly remove the dress from her. The sight of her in her bra and underwear was something to behold. Her milky white skins so soft and smooth reflected in the moonlight. He had to catch his breath for a moment and ran his free hand through his hair. "When I tried to push you away, you put me in my place. You fought harder than anyone to stay in my life. And said the most selfless thing I've ever heard anyone say to me. After I broke your heart you told me that you hoped when I found someone to love I would tell them and wouldn't run away from them. You'll never know how sorry I am that I broke your heart," he said as he placed a kiss on her chest where he felt her heart beating beneath his lips. Anna let out a sigh as tears were gathering in her eyes.

He wiped her eyes, "No more tears my love, we have each other now. And it's because of you. You helped me see the error of my ways and you made us possible." One of his hands traveled down to hers and their fingers entwined with one another. He kissed her lips and as he did he used his free hand to remove her bra. Her once encased breast spilled out freely from their restraints and he tossed her bra to the side of the bed. John leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "You can open your eyes now my darling." John was looping a single strand of her hair around his finger when she opened her eyes. "I know I was broken when we first met but you're helping to fix me in ways I couldn't have imagined. And I think it's because it takes a broken person to recognize another that needs help. You are smart, funny, sweet, thoughtful, selfless and gorgeous. I couldn't have dreamt up a better woman for myself if I tried. I love you Anna Smith," he said with tender eyes. It wasn't long before they fell into each other's embrace and shared their love for one another into the wee hours of the night. They were now one in every sense of the word.


	14. As You Wish

**_A/N Sorry for the delay in getting this updated. Real life got in the way and we just got a puppy. So I've been busier than usual. This chapter was originally going to be longer but I split it in two and should have it up early this week. I already started it so it will pick up shortly after the ending of this chapter. A little more of Anna's emotional side is explored and some Banna fluff/shenanigans. It's not that bad, but if it's not your thing scroll past the end._**

**_Disclaimer: Same as Chapters 1-13. Any similarities to the show are owned by Julian Fellowes. _**

**_Chapter 14_**

**As You Wish**

In the early hours of the morning John shot up out of a dead sleep in a panic. His entire body was nearly drenched in sweat, his breathing was erratic and panic had overcome him. He felt as though an elephant were sitting on his chest and for a moment he thought he might be having a heart attack. John felt disoriented as he lost himself in the haze of his dream and the darkness. He suddenly remembered where he was and looked over at Anna. One look at that amazing woman lying next to him seemed to always bring him back to earth and the panic began to diminish. John saw her move in her sleep and he tried to calm himself so as not to wake her.

As quietly as he could, he got out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom to throw some cold water on his face. He opened the window in the bathroom a little more and let the cool air hit his body. He was already feeling much better but his under shirt and boxers would need a wash. John opened the door to the medicine cabinet hoping to find some mouth wash or toothpaste. As he went to reach for the mouth wash his hand stopped midway and lingered over a bottle of prescription pills. He didn't want to pry but he had to know what they were. He listened again to see if he could hear the gentle snore coming from Anna and shut the door to the bathroom all the way. John picked up the bottle and rotated it until he could see the label, it was for Anna. John read the prescription and saw it said "Eszopiclone" he immediately recognized it as a sleep aid. When he checked the date of the prescription he saw it was prescribed nearly two years ago. _"She must have started taking this after Ethan's death,"_ he thought to himself. John was no stranger to the drug or any of the other sleep aids. In fact, it had been one of his favorites to use following Williams death. Just thinking about it made his lips tingle and he felt a memorable craving creep up on him. It grabbed a hold of him and the urge was overpowering him. Without further hesitation he immediately dumped the pills down the toilet and threw the empty bottle in the trash can.

Once he had dried off a bit he hunched over the sink and splashed the cool water upon his face. He could already feel the stubble coming in and knew he would need to shave later on. He looked up and stared for a moment at the old man in the mirror that was looking back at him. He looked better than he had in months, but years of drinking and addiction to pain pills had certainly taken its toll on him. He had to admit he looked happier than he had in years. If only he could turn back the hands of time. If only he had known that Anna would be waiting for him at the end of that long, windy road; perhaps then he would have taken better care of himself. He would still never understand what it was she saw in him, but whatever it was he was grateful for it. He loved her with his whole heart and couldn't imagine ever losing her.

He emerged from the bathroom a few moments later and there was a bit of a chill in the room. Then he remembered that the night before after their love making; he had opened the window to let the heat out. He checked to see if the cold air was bothering Anna at all. She lay naked on her side of the bed with the sheet draped over her body. Even though her body was emanating heat like a furnace he saw her shiver a little in her sleep. He leaned over and pulled the comforter up to adjust it around her shoulders. He watched her a little longer and smiled when he thought of how grateful he was to have her in his life. For a second he envied how she could sleep so peacefully through the night, he couldn't even recall the last time he had a full night's rest that wasn't drug induced. Even though he had woken up abruptly, he had to admit that prior to the dream it was some of the best sleep he had in years. He eventually came to the conclusion that there would be no chance of falling back asleep now. The clock read four o'clock in the morning and he knew he couldn't continue on much longer like this with so little sleep to keep him going through the day. He needed to get out of there, needed to clear his head and start to get to the root of all these nightmares that haunted him; if not for him then surely for her. John grabbed his things and prepared to walk out of the room and stopped by Anna's side of the bed to kiss her forehead before walking out.

* * *

The dial tone of the phone continued to ring as Anna paced her flat nervously. She had woken up to an empty bed and couldn't find John anywhere. When she went to use the bathroom she had found the empty bottle of pills in the trash can and began to worry where he might be. Anna had waited a half hour to see if he would turn up on his own; she began trying to call him but to no avail. After calling for what seemed like the millionth time his voice came on the line. "Hello…" Anna began to speak but was quickly cut off by the rest of John's voice mail message, "you've reached John Bates, I can't get to the phone right now but please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." She felt so stupid for letting herself get her hopes up again; he hadn't answered the previous times and this time was no different. Having not left any messages before, she waited patiently for the beep before proceeding to leave a message. "John, it's me…Anna…please call me back as soon as you get this. I love you," she said into the phone almost pleading with him. Anna was trying her hardest not to worry but everything was so out of the ordinary with the way he left; or at least she thought he had left. A pile of his clothes still lay on the floor of her room; the same clothes he had been wearing the night before. His shoes were still sitting by the door and the kitchen had been all cleaned up. Even though they hadn't been dating for long it wasn't like John to leave without telling her where he was going or at least leave a note behind. It was as if he had vanished into thin air.

Anna eventually convinced herself to sit on the couch before she ran a hole through the floor pacing back and forth. With the phone still sitting in her hand she allowed her free hand to run through her hair and pulled her robe around her a little tighter. She was trying not to let her emotions get the best of her; trying not to let the past haunt her. The all too familiar feeling of overwhelming worry was nagging at her. Anna had to remind herself that John wasn't Ethan, that he had promised he would never do anything like that to her; he would always come back for her. The more time that passed the more it became increasingly difficult to keep her mind from thinking dark thoughts. She felt empty and hollow, like when Ethan had left. She hadn't even had a chance to say 'goodbye' to her brother, she had simply woken up the next day and he was gone. She remembered calling the police asking for aid in finding Ethan and how they had told her they couldn't even begin a search until he had been missing for more than forty eight hours. Anna silently prayed to herself that it wouldn't come to that with John. She'd never forgive herself if something happened to him because she carelessly left the pills behind in the medicine cabinet. She couldn't sit through another forty eight hours waiting for word that something had gone wrong. She couldn't even be sure how long he had been gone.

Anna looked up at the clock and realized she had already been awake for over an hour and he must have left sometime before that. She tried to be optimistic; the bottle being left out could just be a coincidence. She knew John to be honest and honorable; perhaps he had just tossed them out. Only now she couldn't seem to think of a reason why he had left without telling her. It wasn't even that she was worried he had gone back to drinking but maybe he regretted last night, or was rethinking their relationship. Or even worse maybe he had gone out to get milk or coffee for the morning and had gotten hurt. "Oh god, I'm jumping from one extreme to another" she said aloud. She glanced down at the phone again, willing it to ring. Anna thought she was going to be violently ill the more her imagination ran away with her.

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by a click of the door handle. She held her breath as she waited to see who had entered the flat. She looked up to see him casually walking in the door and he began to remove his ear buds from his ears and he turned off his ipod. "Mornin'," he said cheerfully as he began kicking off his shoes. Anna nearly bum rushed him into the door as she threw her arms around his waist and squeezed him tight. John's arms were still slightly raised; he had not settled them around her just yet as he was unsure what had brought this reaction on. "Oh, well hello," he said sweetly.

Anna's head rose to look up at him and he saw that her face was as angry as he had ever seen it and her eyes were filled with tears. "Where were you?" she asked.

"Hey, what's the matter?" John asked as he tried to wipe the tears that were forming in her eyes.

Anna pulled away abruptly; she didn't want to be coddled right now. As happy as she was to see that he was alive and well she wanted answers and she was furious that she had to relive what had happened with Ethan. "You didn't answer my question," she scolded. John was sure he did something wrong by the tone of her voice, but he wasn't sure what it was. "Do you have any idea how crazy I've been going? I wake up to an empty bed and your clothes strewn about the floor, and you gave no indication of where you were going," she said with a shaky voice.

He tried to reach out to comfort her but she pulled away again. "Hold on. I left a note," he said.

"Where?" she asked.

"I left it by the coffee pot…same as last time," he explained.

"No, there was no note," she nearly shouted.

"It must have fallen off or something," he tried to reason.

Anna shook her head in disbelief and turned away. "I just have to know…and I know this goes without saying, but please don't lie to me. What happened with the pills in my medicine cabinet?" She could see the hurt on his face and it hurt her to even ask. Perhaps she couldn't stick to their deal; maybe she never would be able to stop comparing him to her brother. She had already experienced a lifetime of hurt and the truth was John was her life now. She knew she couldn't deal with losing him.

Without hesitation he replied, "I threw them out. I'll admit it was tempting having that many pills at my disposal, but I didn't take a single one. In fact, when I saw who they were for it reminded me of all the things you said. How you had faith that I would be able to get past all this." John felt he owed her more of an explanation but he wasn't sure he could give it to her. "Sometimes I have these flashbacks, or nightmares, and that's when I feel the cravings the most. You have to believe me when I say this, Anna; I won't go back to that life."

She was disappointed in herself for getting so carried away; furious that she had doubted him and that she would even imply that he could lie to her. She walked to the other side of the room, back towards the couch and stared at a picture of her brother that sat on the mantle. She was quiet for a moment and as much as John wanted to pull her into his embrace and soothe her he knew that right now she needed some space. "John, I'm so sorry," she finally said, her gaze still fixed on the photo. "I wish I could put the past behind me, you have to know by now how much I love you. I just couldn't stand to see something bad happen to you," she said and she nearly crumbled into a pile onto the couch.

John walked toward her and knelt down beside her. With his hands still kept to himself he said, "Anna, it's okay. I don't hold anything you say against me. I never could." His voice was soft and low, the smoothness of it like velvet and so reassuring. She could feel the sincerity behind his words and knew she'd never doubt him again. The area around her eyes was red from the tears she had withheld for so long.

They sat in silence together, but it wasn't awkward. John waited for her to be ready to speak and she was contemplating her next move. Each time she found herself looking at John there was an easiness about him, like he'd wait forever for her to speak or even smile at him. "So what happened?" she finally asked in a soft voice.

"I couldn't sleep," he said reluctantly. While he was very open to sharing things with Anna, he wasn't sure he wanted to expose her to his horrible truth just yet. Not out of fear of her judging him, but there were some things about his past he still wanted to keep in the past. He had still barely been able to share the whole thing with Dr. Clarkson. Even though he had been making progress and he knew it would help him improve faster it was still too hard to say it aloud. Whenever he did it was like reliving that moment all over again. Anna stared at him long and hard, not quite sure he was telling her the whole truth. "I just have a lot going through my head. I needed to get out and get some fresh air," he said hoping she would let it go.

She was staring down at her hands, her fingers interlocked with one another as she prepared to ask her next question. "Was it about last night?" she asked innocently with her eyes still avoiding his.

"No, God no," he reassured her as he took her hands in his own. Anna let out a deep sigh of relief and raised her eyes to look at him. He thought he saw the makings of a smile as the corners of her mouth began to turn up. Sometimes it was hard for him to remember how vulnerable she could be when she was always so outwardly strong. She had fought for them in the beginning and now he was fighting to prove she belonged with him and that he was good enough for her. "Anna, last night was incredible. I'll admit it was unexpected, but it was far beyond anything I could have imagined," he said as he kissed the top of her knuckles. She felt the tiny sensations of his lips on her skin and it gave her goose bumps. Both of them were able to convey so much to one another without words; one look at her told him that she was still waiting for an answer. "After I tossed the pills out I borrowed some of the clothes in the spare room and went for a jog…I hope you don't mind," he said in a way that sounded as if he were asking for permission. Anna shook her head in a "no" response and John continued, "I came back and showered and cleaned up the kitchen."

"You cleaned the kitchen?" she asked. She knew it had been done but she couldn't believe he had done all that.

He almost laughed that after all he had said; that was the thing she chose to focus on. "Well we had made seafood the night before. And in the…uh…heat of passion I didn't exactly get to finish cleaning up. I didn't want you waking up to a smelly kitchen," he reasoned. Anna smiled back at him for being so considerate and thoughtful. He offered a half smile back at her and began lightly stroking his thumb over her knuckles and saw that the redness around her eyes had dissipated.

While she was relieved it wasn't' something she had done and that he hadn't relapsed she was still upset. She couldn't help it. Since the moment they met all she had wanted to do was help him. She had never expected to fall for him. Now he was hers to care for and it frightened her when she didn't know where he was. It wasn't out of distrust; it was instinctual for her to want to protect him. "I don't understand. If you came back here then where were you just now? And why didn't you answer your phone?" she asked.

"I went to speak with Mr. Lang," John said. He paused for a moment and saw the change in her facial expression as it registered in her mind who he was speaking of, "You know…from the meetings to see if he could help me." Anna nodded her head acknowledging that she understood who he was talking about and silently urging him to continue. "He mentioned in a meeting that part of the reason he started drinking in the first place was to avoid the post-traumatic stress disorder from his time in the war. I thought…he might be able to help with the nightmares," he said. "I didn't leave my phone on because…well it was sort of a private thing we were talking about and I didn't think it a good idea for him to know that you and I were involved. Well, at least, not until _you_ were ready for everyone to know. I guess when I left I forgot to turn the phone back on," he said.

"Was he able to help you?" Anna asked.

"Sort of," he said. "I didn't share everything with him but he gave me some helpful tips for dealing with my sleep problems and shared his experience with me. I think it was a relief just knowing that someone else had gone through something similar and somehow that took the pressure off. I know the changes won't happen overnight, but I do feel better," he said as he mustered a smile and she returned the favor. He saw a change in her physical stature; somehow she looked more hopeful and comforted. "I'm sorry if I scared you my love, it certainly wasn't my intention," he said as he lightly caressed her arms. She could feel her own anxiety subsiding and wave after wave of calm washed over her with every stroke of his hand.

"It's fine, I'm…I'm just having a hard time you know…getting over my own past," she tried to explain as John lightly squeezed her arms to offer her support.

"Hey, it's okay. I get it," he said sincerely.

"No, John, you don't. I didn't just lose Ethan that day. I lost everyone in my inner circle: Ethan, my parents, and…Mark," she said as the tears trickled down her cheeks. "I haven't felt anything like this for anyone before. I don't know that I could take losing another person in my life. Not one that I care for as much as you." Her words struck a chord with him and it made his heart ache for her. Sure he had lost people too, but in some ways John had always been alone. Anna on the other hand seemed like a social butterfly that would have naturally been surrounded with family and friends. It must have been hard to lose that connection to others; whether it was physical or emotional. And just like him she had been keeping her guard up ever since. "I'm sorry if you feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on your or this is too much for you to deal with. I'll understand if you want out," she said as she sobbed.

John's eyebrows rose in response and his eyes widened. His face contorted in confusion and his hands froze in place as he repeated back to her, "Out?"

"This isn't something a recovering alcoholic wants to be a part of. I thought I was emotionally ready for this and clearly I'm not. I don't want you relapsing because you're too worried about me or I'm too much to handle," she said.

"Anna, I don't think of you as something to deal with," he said as he wiped away her tears, "and I could never leave you."

"I know and I want to believe that. Really I do, it's just…" she choked back a sob as she swept back a few hairs that had fallen into her face.

"Just…what? Anna, please tell me," John pleaded with her. He was concerned and this was his time to be there for her.

"It's just…when you weren't there this morning I remembered being left here alone. And I guess I just pictured our first morning together differently," she said sullenly.

John leaned in closer and said softly, "Tell me." Anna shook her head and averted her gaze. "Please," he said almost as if he were begging her to bare all her dreams and wishes to him. "I let you down and I regret not being her when you woke up. I want to make it up to you," he said.

"You didn't let me down," she argued in a sweet voice.

"Humor me then," he argued back in a smooth and even tone.

Anna finally looked back at him and now that her anger had melted away she really took in his appearance. In her small bout of fury she hadn't realized just how devastatingly handsome he looked in a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie. His hair had just a small amount of product in it and was still slightly wet from the shower he had taken earlier. She bit her lip in response and hoped that John hadn't noticed. "I would have woken up natural because I'm not a morning person, as you have learned," she said and he smirked in response. "I thought I'd wake to find your arms around me, feeling your heart beating against my back, and I'd roll over to see your hair a little messed up from last night," she said as she blushed. There was sort of a haze in her eyes, something dreamy about it that made John smile.

"And then?" he urged her on. He was grinning at her and she looked away as she turned a shade of crimson. But this time it wasn't from her tears; she was slightly embarrassed and it made John love her all the more. She focused on his hands slowly traveling back down to her own where they came to rest just above her knees.

Anna almost lost track of her thoughts while staring intently at his hands. Those hands that had ravaged her, the hands that dwarfed her own and had been his tools for pleasure the night before. Along with his eyes they communicated to her feelings that he couldn't always express in mere words. She was almost overcome with excitement just remembering how wonderful it had felt that night to have him all over her in ways that she had only read about or seen in movies. He certainly wasn't her first, but she knew she wanted him to be her last. "Ummm…nothing it's silly. I can't believe I'm rambling on like this," she said.

"No, it's not silly. Not if it's important to you," he said as he leaned forward to kiss her. He began to pull away but he felt her encouraging him almost pulling at his lower lip with her own. It was a deep kiss and he didn't want to take it further than she wanted to. He knew she had been mad at him before; he didn't want her to think he was taking advantage of the situation. Even though he desperately wanted a repeat of their intimate encounter, he wouldn't have her thinking that was all he wanted from her. John leaned his forehead against hers, their eyes both closed. "I love you so much," he sighed and she placed her arms around his shoulders. Her hands now came to rest at the back of his neck as she smiled to herself. "I don't think I'll be able to stop myself if we take this any further," he confessed.

"Well we can't have that," she said as she kissed him once more and let the tips of her fingers dance across the hairline at the back of his neck.

John felt his arousal building and he took a deep breath to pace himself. With his eyes still closed and still holding himself in place he moved his nose back and forth against hers and lightly said, "You're a horrible flirt Miss Smith."

Her eyes finally opened and she saw the crinkles extend in his eyes as a spontaneous smile erupted across his face. "What were you thinking just then? I mean…what made you smile?" she asked.

"I was picturing your reaction," he said. His eyes opened and she stared back into them deeply; with just one look he made her feel all the love that she had ever been denied. He moved forward as if he was going to kiss her again, but instead he stopped just to the side of her ear. "Now tell me, what else would have happened?" he whispered. He never pulled away; his face was still hovering by her ear as he gently grabbed a handful of her hair and ran his fingers through it. The proximity was making it increasingly difficult to concentrate and she felt herself becoming aroused again. Without him even touching her flesh she was becoming excited in ways she never thought possible and the anticipation was killing her. She wanted so desperately to kiss him then but his hot breath on her neck and moving her hair was driving her to converse more.

He lightly tugged at her hair once more as he buried his nose in it and heard her let out a small gasp. He lightly chuckled into her shoulder and the vibrations were driving Anna to her end. "I would have kissed you until you woke up completely and…" she said but was interrupted by the sudden movement of his hands. He gently undid the tie on her robe and slid it off her shoulders.

"And?" he hissed in her ear.

"Maybe…we would have picked up where we left off last night," she said a little flirtatiously. Her hands were now beginning to work on unzipping his hoodie.

"Oh yeah?" he asked in a low growl. She slowly pulled him up onto the couch to join her and he scooted closer to her. Her robe dropped to the side revealing a pink silk night gown that he hadn't noticed before. _"She must have changed into that sometime after I left," _he thought to himself. His eyes widened at the sight of the lace trim bordering the plunging neckline of the garment. His eyes came to rest at the apex of her breast and he shuddered when she ran her hand across his thigh.

"Yeah," she said as she began to remove his hoodie. Anna was already taking his shirt off when he began purposely running a hand through his hair and tousled it. It stopped Anna in her tracks and she asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting a head start," he answered.

"A head start on what?" she asked with a giggle. His disheveled hair made him look like a maniac and Anna chuckled so hard she snorted.

"I'm making one of your wishes come true. You said you wanted to wake up to unkempt hair. I will do you one better, I'm giving you chaotic hair," he said. John produced a goofy face that caused Anna to erupt into a fit of laughter. He immediately stood up and extended his hand to her to pull her up. "Come on," he ordered.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Honestly Anna, do I have to spell it out for you?" he mimicked her from the previous night. She playfully threw one of the throw pillows from the couch at him. "Now, I'm taking you to the bedroom to ravish you so you can wake up in my arms," he said. He quickly pulled her to her feet and drew her closer to him as he planted kisses on her lips, nose, and neck.

Without a moment's hesitation she abandoned her robe on the couch and began following him to the bedroom. He walked backwards so he could keep his eyes on her as she walked so gracefully in her silk night gown. They stopped every couple of feet to kiss as neither could bear to be away from the others touch for more than a few seconds. John pushed her up against the wall just outside her bedroom and held her face at the base of her chin as he plundered her mouth with his tongue. John sucked on her bottom lip slightly as Anna pulled away and went back to work on his shirt that she hadn't finished removing. His hands ran up her thighs causing her night gown to rise slightly and all Anna managed to choke out between her panting, "Bed."

"As you wish," he replied as he released her from the wall. She began to walk past him and as he stood behind her he wrapped his arms around her. Still holding her close to him they walked the rest of the way to the bed and Anna stopped to lean her head back against his chest. He let his chin rest on the back of her head and asked, "Why did you stop?"

Anna turned in his arms to face him and said, "I could feel your heart beating against my back." She let her fingers run through the thick, course, black hair that covered his chest until her hand came to rest above his heart, "Now I can feel it for myself. It's strong and steady…like you," she said with a smile.

He planted a kiss on her forehead and said, "It beats only for you."


	15. The Old Man and the Sea

_**A/N I'm still not entirely sure I like the way this chapter turned out. So be honest, reviews are encouraged (even negative ones). Hope you all are still enjoying the story. And if you have any suggestions or ideas of where you would like this story to go please include that too or message me :) Also the little discussion Anna and John have about music was just a theory my roomie and I came up with years ago. Don't read too much into it.**_

_**Disclaimer: same as previous chapters**_

_**Chapter 15**_

_**The Old Man and the Sea**_

Anna slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times as she allowed herself to adjust to the light that was pouring in through the window. The sun was making its way around the corner as she attempted to raise her hands to her face to rub the sleep from her eyes. She was surprised to find that it was nearly eleven o'clock in the morning; she hadn't slept in that late in a long time. "How did I manage to sleep so long?" she asked herself. Anna was about to get out of bed when the memory of that morning came back to her. Anna couldn't even recall feeling tired after their sexual escapade, but maybe it wasn't so much tired as it was that she felt safe, loved, and care for. John had made her feel that all things were possible again and filled the void in her life that she hadn't even realized was there.

Lying on her side, she glanced down to see John's arm draped over her waist, lightly clutching her, and she smiled to herself. Anna could hear the soft snores escaping his lips just behind her ear; its rhythmic cadence was nearly lulling her back to sleep. Although she didn't want to wake him she couldn't resist rolling over to see if his hair was still messed up the way she had left it. Instead she waited a little longer and savored the feel of his body against hers, took in his scent, and studied his hands and arms that surrounded her. As she took in his physique she was reminded of her first impression of him and how she had been physically attracted to him from the get go. There was something so charismatic and mysterious about him and it was hidden behind those gentle, captivating eyes. Maybe no one would ever understand how it was that they ended up together or would frown upon how and where they met but she didn't care. It was just the two of them against the world now and she considered herself lucky to call herself his. In her eyes he would never be old, drunk, or an addict; to her he was just John. He was a sweet, considerate, and brave man that saved her from being consumed with grief when no one else could. They had both traveled rough roads; but it led them to each other and perhaps that's what made it all worth it.

Anna slowly flipped herself over to face him and was surprised to find him still in a very deep sleep with an inkling of a smile on his face. There was something about watching him sleep, when he was at his most vulnerable, that made her love him more. It was here that he could be himself; he looked so peaceful, happy, and free. It was something she hoped that she would get to see more often when he was awake. His hair was still somewhat wild and unmanageable and she giggled to herself as she slowly moved her hand up to move the rebel strand from obstructing his eye. She studied his face and saw the deep lines in the corner of his eyes that many would perceive as wrinkles and consider a sign of old age, but she loved them. For Anna they told a story of where he had been; of all the tears he cried or withheld and the smiles that were shared in happier times. She was enchanted by the few grey hairs that had sprouted around his temples; they made him look more distinguished. Then there was the little bit of stubble that had grown in overnight that made him look ruggedly handsome. Anna allowed her fingers to ghost over his jawline as she traced it before coming to stop at the small notch in the side of his cheek. Upon their first meeting she mistook for a dimple, but later realized it was a scar. She wondered if he would ever share the story with her of how he got it.

After a few moments Anna heard a low rumble and realized it was John's stomach. She did her best to muffle her laughter within the sheets of the bed as she watched him twitch in his sleep. He proceeded to lick his lips and she remembered how they had felt as they crashed upon hers and ran along the length of her body earlier that morning. A moment later her own stomach protested and shook her from her reverie. She smiled at him and gently placed a kiss on his cheek before slipping quietly from his arms. She hated leaving his arms and immediately felt the warmth leave her body as her feet touched the cold, hard wood floor. Anna retrieved her night gown from the spot where it had been discarded on the floor and slipped it back on as John tossed back onto his other side in his sleep. She didn't dare wake him, knowing he hadn't gotten much sleep lately.

* * *

Anna stood over the skillet in the kitchen as she pushed around some scrambled eggs and waited for some toast to pop out of the toaster. She went to put on some coffee for John and felt something beneath her foot as she walked across the kitchen. Anna bent down to see what it was and immediately recognized the small post it. She flipped it over and read it, _Popped out for a bit to take care of some things. I'll be back soon. Love, John_. Anna felt her heart sink a little, now she felt bad about the way she had gone off on him earlier. She suddenly felt a pair of large, hairy arms snake around her waist and a pair of lips planted themselves on her temple. "Mornin' again," he said as he sidled up behind her.

"Why hello," she greeted warmly as she folded up the noted and slid it into her robe.

"What was that?" he asked, having noticed her putting the note away.

"I found your note," she said.

"Oh, where was it?" he asked as he moved some of her hair aside so he could kiss her neck.

"You were right, it fell on the ground," she said, "I guess I owe you an apology."

"Nonsense. All is forgotten. I just hope it brought you some peace of mind," he said softly.

"It did," she said.

He held her tightly and took in her scent, "You know after that little speech you gave this morning I was rather hoping that I would wake up with you in my arms." He spun her around to face him and kissed her once more leaving her breathless.

"Believe me the thought had crossed my mind," she said flirtatiously as she raised an eyebrow at him. "I was hoping I'd be finished making breakfast before you woke up," she said.

"I'm not complaining. I'm actually rather starved, so thanks for making breakfast," he said with a smile.

"I figured as much, I heard your stomach grumbling," she said as she went back to tending the eggs.

He released her from his hold to allow her to work freely but he stared at her with complete adoration. He leaned his back against the counter so he could keep eye contact with her as she continued to cook. He had offered to help but she kept insisting she had it all under control. "I didn't wake you did I?" he asked as he went to grab some plates.

"No, not at all," she assured him, "I was actually more worried about waking you."

"Yeah, thanks for letting me sleep in," he said as he came back towards her to grab the silverware.

"I don't know that you can really call it that if you haven't slept more than four hours on a daily basis. At this point you're just making up for lost sleep," she said with a smile and he let out a small chuckle. She went to hand him some glasses when she asked, "Would you like juice with your coffee?"

"No, just coffee is fine," he said as he raised a hand to indicate he wanted nothing more.

John began to pour himself a cup of coffee when she announced that breakfast was ready and instructed him to have a seat. "I hope you don't mind scrambled eggs, I didn't know how you liked them," she said.

"Eggs are eggs, I'm not too picky," he said as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation of the food. The delicious smell was actually what had woken him up in the first place. It was not lost on him that he had only spent the night once but they already seemed to have easily fallen into a rather domesticated lifestyle; what with him having made dinner the night before and her making breakfast now.

Anna grabbed the toast and set it down at the table along with the butter. As she sat down to join John she noticed he had waited for her to sit before digging into his food. They both reached for the toast at the same time and they smiled at one another when their hands collided. "So what would you like to do today? I mean I know the day is already almost half way over," she said as she added some salt and pepper to her eggs.

John chewed on his toast and swallowed before answering, "I wouldn't think of you as the type to give up on the day so easily, just because it's almost noon."

"Ok then, what did you have in mind?" she asked. John grinned at her and as his smile grew wider Anna laughed nervously and asked, "What?"

* * *

They had been driving for the thirty minutes and already Anna appeared to be getting bored in the truck as she continued to fiddle with the dials and buttons on the radio. "You won't be able to pick anything up on the stations over here, we're in a bit of a dead zone," he said as the static made itself known with each click of the dial. "Here try this," John said as he handed Anna his ipod and she attached the auxiliary cable to it. "I've never known a woman to get so bored in a car on a road trip," he joked as he let his arm hang out the window of the pickup truck. "Shouldn't you be talking my ear off or something?" he joked.

He laughed as he watched her shuffle through his songs, "I'm not bored, quite the opposite. I'm excited about us going to the beach together. But I have to have some kind of background noise."

"Well, I'm glad you're excited about going to the beach," he said as he put brought his arm back in to hold the steering wheel. He extended his free hand over to wrap around her shoulder and pull her close. "I know that it's still a bit cool out, being that it's only May. But I've always found the sea to be so relaxing," he said and she looked up to share a smile with him. He did his best to hold back his laughter when he looked over at her and saw her attempt to push her hair from her eyes even though the wind blowing into the truck kept knocking it around. He finally rolled up the windows and used his free hand to smooth her hair back into place and he winked at her when she thanked him.

"I couldn't agree more," she replied excitedly. "Ethan and I used to spend many of our summers at the beach when we were children," she said as she kept her eyes fixed on the ipod.

"Oh, we don't have to go if it will be too painful for you," he said.

"No, this is all about fresh starts for us. I'll still cherish the old memories…but I want to make new ones too," she answered back. This time she looked up to meet John's gaze.

"A fresh start…sounds perfect," he said.

They drove in silence for a while before Anna asked, "Alright so I see you've got The Beatles and The Rolling Stones on here. I have to know are you a Paul fan or a Mick fan?"

"Is this one of those deal breaker questions?" he asked with a laugh.

"Maybe," she teased.

"Well actually I like Ringo more, but if I had to choose between the bands I would go with The Beatles," he said.

"Really?" she asked.

"Don't you like them more?" he asked.

"Well of course but I'm a girl," she said. "Guys tend to be more into The Stones," she explained.

"Exactly, you proved my point," he said.

She shot back a confused look at him, "And what point is that?"

"I figured out early on that women liked The Beatles more. Why would I want to go to a concert that would be filled with more men than women? So I rooted for the Fab Four in hopes to strike up a conversation with a lovely lady. Plus, the good girls tend to go for the Beatles, the wild ones go more for The Stones," he reasoned. She looked like she was mulling over the information he had just presented her with before he asked, "Now, be honest which one are you a fan of? I bet you're a Paul fan."

"Yes, I like The Beatles more," she said, "and you're wrong. I liked George the most. I like the soulful, quiet type."

"So you've always had a thing for older men," he teased.

"Age is nothing but a number," she corrected him.

"Right you are," he said as he lifted her hand to kiss the top of her knuckles and squeezed it three times. She didn't even have to say anything back. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink as she blushed and without hesitation she squeezed his hand back four times. "So are you going to throw some music on or what?" he asked.

"I don't know old man you don't seem to have much in the way of music past the eighties," she quipped.

"In case you hadn't noticed the music industry has sort of gone downhill since the eighties," he said. "You may find a song or two on there from the last twenty years, but it's doubtful. I'm not a fan of rap and I'm not a fan of auto tune. I like the oldies."

"Hmmm," she purred as she rifled through a few more tracks, "Well, I like the oldies too, so why don't you pick one."

"Alright then, how about Marvin Gaye's song, 'How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You' or 'Just My Imagination' by The Temptations?" he suggested. Anna smiled at the suggestions and threw them on as they sang along for the rest of the drive. Watching him do his best impersonation of Marvin Gaye as they continued their drive, she fell more deeply in love with John Bates.

* * *

Anna laid out a blanket on the sand and took a look out at the water as she began tying her hair up into a messy bun. John had already planted himself on the blanket and was engrossed with all things Anna. He had already been infatuated with her slender hips and sensuous legs, but now they were practically tormenting him as she walked about in her shorts. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her when she removed her shirt to reveal her bikini top. It was teal with little white polka dots all over it and it contrasted with her milky white skin perfectly. She sat in front of John as she handed him the bottle of sunblock and asked, "Can you help me put this on my back and shoulders?"

"But it's practically overcast," he pointed out.

"That doesn't mean the sun isn't out. Believe me, with my skin I could get a sunburn in this weather," she replied as she tried to hold up any loose strands of hair out of his way. John squirted some of the sun block out into his hands and rubbed them together before putting it on her shoulders and rubbing it in along her neck. He was finding this to be quite a challenge as the touch of her smooth skin beneath his own was spurring all kinds of feelings within him. Thankfully she broke the silence and interrupted his motions, "Oh wait one minute." John paused for a moment with his hands still half covered in the sunblock as he watched her hands come back to the ties at the base of her neck. In one fluid motion she undid them and let the straps fall at her side as she held her top up around her chest, "I don't want to get little white lines under the straps."

Well, John certainly couldn't argue with that logic. But the fact that there was technically one less thing separating him and Anna from being physically closer didn't anything to abate his building arousal. With each pass of his hand across her skin it was like slow torture, and not just for him, but for her as well. "Right, wouldn't want you to get burnt," he managed to choke out as he finished rubbing the last of the lotion onto her lower back.

Anna glanced up and down the beach to see if anyone was around but it appeared that the weather had deterred most people from going to the beach. There were only a few people wandering about, but most of them were further down the shore leaving John and Anna in their own private paradise. Sure the weather wasn't perfect but it was bearable. Having determined there wasn't a chance of anyone encroaching upon them she allowed one hand to release her hold of the bikini top. One hand still kept her top in place while the other began to wander up to rest on the side of his cheek. Using the palm of her hand she cradled his head closer to hers as he trailed kisses along her shoulder and playfully nipped at her collar bone. Anna's head bobbed back as she exposed more of her neck to him and laughed huskily with each kiss he placed upon her skin. As much as she was enjoying their interaction she desperately wanted to look him in the eyes and see him in a bathing suit. Noticing that his hands had stopped moving on her back she asked, "Have you finished yet?"

"Not even close," he growled into her ear.

"John," she said almost in protest,

"Anna?" he answered back as he ran his hands down her bare arms and pulled her in closer to him.

"I meant with the lotion," she said trying to keep a straight face.

He leaned his forehead into the back of her head before saying, "Oh right…the lotion." Now she could almost feel him smiling into her hair and placed her hands over his own to give him a light squeeze. "Yes, I've finished with the lotion," he said as he snapped the bottle shut. John placed one last kiss on her cheek before she rose to her feet and she felt as if his lips were searing into her skin.

Anna stood up and let her shorts drop to the ground revealing her matching bikini bottoms and sending John into a frenzy. His heart beat faster and he could actually feel his blood coursing through his body. With each innocent movement she was driving him crazy and as she gently stepped out of the clothes that had collected around her feet. She was already half way down to the water when she shouted and gestured for him to join her, "Come on!" John was amused and captivated by her childlike wonderment. He had never known that such happiness could come from such simple pleasures; at least not since he was a child himself. He chortled as she skipped daintily down to the water and yelped as the cold water made contact with her skin, but she bravely made her way further in. "John, come on!" she yelled playfully through chattering teeth.

John rose to his feet and made his way to the edge of the water line. The sand felt good beneath his feet as it smooshed between his toes and massaged his heels. He watched the water ebb and flow; as long as he could remember the sea had a calming effect on him. The sounds of waves crashing upon the shore sounded like claps of thunder and the sea gulls were squawking over his head. Still one sound rang true over all that noise; a heavenly sound of laughter came from Anna as she was swept around in the waves. She floated on her back with her arms outstretched and the tips of her toes poked out just above the water as she waved to him. John pulled a hand from his pocket as he waved to her from the shore. One small encounter of the waves against his toes was enough to tell him it was too cold for his liking, "I think I'll just stand here and watch!"

"What?!" she shouted out as she moved into an upright position.

"It's a little too cold!" he shouted back to her.

"John Bates, it was your idea to come here. Now strip down to your bathing suit and come join me!" she yelled to him as she walked further out.

He could tell the water was getting deeper as it was now coming up to her shoulders, "I can hear your teeth chattering from here, Anna."

"It's not so bad once you're in it. Now get out here old man," she teased.

"Anna, I'm not a child. Name calling will not get me to come out there," he said cocky smirk on his face.

"What if I said there was a shark out here? Would you come save me?" she asked as she continued to float.

"I'd mourn your loss and never love again," he joked.

"Is that all?" she asked.

"I'd probably die of a broken heart," he responded.

"My hero," she said sarcastically. "I don't suppose there's anything I could do to entice you to join me then?" she asked coquettishly.

"Afraid not my love," he said as he sat in the sand.

John was mesmerized by her body as it tumbled about in the waves and he laughed to himself as she pursed her lips together. He could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she attempted to find another way to lure him out there. He brought his knees in towards his chest and crossed his arms over them to prop his chin up. The anticipation was killing him. Even though he couldn't see much more than her face he was already feeling excited at the prospect of being physical with her again. "Oh John?" she called out sweetly. Her voice was almost begging for trouble and the sweetness of it was too good to be true. John's eyes traveled up to meet hers and he saw hands travel up towards her hair as she let her hair cascade down around her. She looked more heavenly that he had imagined and his chin rose from his arms and eagerly awaited her next move. "I see I've got your attention now. Do you want more?" she asked with a naughty giggle. John's head moved up and down but words were failing to form. "I'll have to ask you to remove your clothes then," she instructed.

John quickly went to work at removing his shirt and nearly fell over on the sand when he got tangled in it for a moment. "Come back to the blanket with me," he called out to her. His broad chest showing for all the world to see and she nearly gave in as she stared at his dark, coarse hair that was generously spread upon it. She paused at the site of the happy furry trail that made its way down to the waist band of his shorts. His arms flexed ever so slightly as balled up his shirt and tossed it back over by the blanket. John's windblown hair made him look more appealing than ever and she couldn't wait to run her fingers through it again. Her body was aching for him to be closer to her; as much as it pained her to resist his request she held her ground and shook her head in "no" response. "Well my love, you're going to have to up the ante if you wish for me to join you," he said. This time he did a couple of poses to show off his muscles, "This is just a preview of what you're missing out on."

Anna dipped down deeper into the water and put her hands up at the base of her neck, "You're right, I need to step up my game." She smiled flashed a mischievous grin at him before saying, "I don't know that I'll be able to top that." Her nimble fingers began fidgeting beneath her hair and John swallowed hard. _"Dear God, is she doing what I think she's doing?"_ he asked himself. Anna let the straps fall at her sides and held up her top in a wad above her head for him to see. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened as he began undoing his the buckle on his shorts. Anna smiled, clearly pleased with herself as she asked, "How about now?"

"I'd say all bets are off!" he shouted back. He discarded his shorts in the sand as he began making his way out towards her, "Oh dear God! So cold! So, so, very, very cold!" he said as he covered his manhood. She shrieked with laughter at each one of his moans and pleas and he tried to laugh in response but was finding it extremely hard to do. "Just wait until I get to you Miss Smith," he threatened as the water was now up to his waist. John pace began to slow as he preferred to wade out to her rather than swim. He was still trying to avoid getting his upper body wet as he held his arms up above the water's surface.

"Well stop taking your sweet time grandpa, get over here," she teased.

He was about thirty feet from her when he saw a large wave forming behind her. "Anna, look out," he warned. As the large wave headed toward them Anna ducked below it as the wave travelled over her while John attempted to swim over it. He managed to get over it with his face and hair still dry but Anna was nowhere to be found. He couldn't touch the ground anymore and he searched around frantically looking for her, "Anna!" John looked back to the shore to see if she had been washed up and just as he was beginning to panic he felt something glide against his leg. Anna emerged from the water and used her hands to push his head down into the water. John reappeared shouting, "Bloody hell it's freezing out here!" He was struggling to breathe as the cool water was suffocating his lungs, but when he opened his eyes he was met with the most exquisite sight he had ever seen. Anna was swimming in front of him with her hair flowing down in such a way that it covered her breasts. Her blue eyes appeared even brighter against her bathing suit and the color of the sea. Her hair was a mess from having been ravaged by the wave that she had dived under before. She smiled up at him impishly and it evoked a similar smile from him.

She propelled herself forward to wrap her arms around him and he felt her melting into him. Somehow she still managed to take him by surprise when she kissed him; perhaps because he still had trouble believing a girl like her could love a guy like him. She was still trying to hold onto her top in one hand and he was fighting a cramp in his leg. They were both running their hands up and down each other and they struggled to tread water; but the situation was almost comical and they found themselves giggling the entire time. He kissed her with a fervor she had never encountered and his deft fingers sought her out as they combed over her chest and made their way down to her pulsing core. She whimpered under his touch, but she could play this game just as well as he could. She let her free hand wander down to his length until he uttered in her ear, "Dear God, I need you so bad right now."

She was moaning softly now and stopped his ministrations long enough to ask, "Well what's stopping you?"

John didn't think it was possible to want her more after their first two times together but he was finding that with each passing moment he wanted her more. Looking into those crystal blue eyes, he now knew that he'd never feel complete without her; she was like air to him. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing," he said as he drew her back into him.

* * *

Later that night, they stumbled into the entry way of her flat grinning like they were head over heels for one another. He held the door open for her and pinched her bottom as she took off her shoes. He kissed her on the cheek and made his way to her mouth before she granted his tongue entry. She placed a hand on his chest and let it slide up to the back of his head and brought him down to her level. Still kissing her, John began to grab his jacket from the hook and she stopped his hand. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I thought maybe you'd want a night to yourself," he said innocently.

"I've had enough nights to myself, John. I want all of them to be with you from now on…or at least as many as I can," she said as she smiled sweetly at him.

"I'd like that," he replied back.

"Now, go ahead and take off your shoes and go relax on the couch. I'll go and fetch us something to drink," she instructed.

"Yes ma'am," he said and did as he was told. John stopped to stare at a couple of the pictures that lined the walls of her living room. He spotted one of an older couple whom he assumed were her parents though she didn't seem to talk much to them anymore. He could see that Anna got most of her looks from her mother. There were a couple of Anna with the girls from the school; he immediately recognized Gwen, Ethel, and Mary. There was a photo of the four of them on a girls night out and Anna looked so ecstatic and care free. The one next to it was one of her and a young man that looked similar to her but with slightly darker features, he assumed it was Ethan. It was visibly evident that they had both been close, he seemed more proud of her on her graduation day than her parents did. And then he reached the last one on the wall it was a picture of Anna when she was little, maybe around the age of the children in her classroom. She wore her hair up in pig tails, she wore a pale green jumper, and looking at her large smile he could tell that two of her front teeth were missing. John smiled as he tried to picture a young Anna, full of questions and shy like Sybbie.

Anna snuck up behind him, "I see you found my most embarrassing photo."

"Come on this, this is adorable. You should never be embarrassed about this," he said. John tried to hold back his laughter; except he really wasn't laughing at the photo, but more at Anna's reaction to his comment. "I'll have you know that five year old me would have been all over five year old you," he joked.

"Awww, I wish I could have known you as a boy," she said.

"No, you really wouldn't. I was a little hell raiser, my mother was always getting called to come down to the school to talk with the head master," he explained. "But I'm sure had I met you back then I would have been on my best behavior."

"Do you have any pictures?" she asked eagerly.

"Somewhere I'm sure," he answered. "My mother lived for that stuff, I was her only child after all," he said.

"You're Mum sounded sweet. What about your Dad?" she asked.

"He only hung around long enough to give me my first few whippings. After a while it was just me and my mother," he said regretfully.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Did he say why he left?" she asked.

"No, that would have been too much trouble. He just said he was going to work one day and never came back. But I mean he wasn't much of a Dad even when he was around, so I suppose it was for the best," he explained.

"I understand what you mean. I still have both my parents but they might as well not be around anymore. It's all very strained now. Of course they say some most marriages don't survive the loss of a child, so I guess it's a miracle they are even still together," she replied.

"Anna, I sincerely hope you don't blame yourself for all that," he said as he turned to face her.

Anna was quiet for a few seconds before shaking her head and saying, "Let's not talk about it. It's been a lovely day and I don't want to ruin it." John stood staring at her dumbfounded before silently agreeing with her. "Now, about that drink. Did you want water? Juice? Coffee? Oh and I have tea?" she offered.

"Erm, tea sounds fine. I'm actually feeling quite tired and I don't want to be wired for the night," he answered as he began to make himself comfortable on the couch. Anna headed off into the kitchen to fill the kettle and turned on the stove. John listened to her stir in the other room as he leaned back further into the couch. He left his arm up on the back of the couch to make room for Anna to come sit by him.

After the kettle went off Anna turned the burner down and grabbed the cups from the cupboard. "Did you want sugar or honey with your tea?" she asked from the kitchen. She waited for a response and after a few seconds of silence Anna finally made her way out to the living room. "John?" she asked as he sat with his back to her. She rounded the couch and saw that he had fallen asleep sitting upright. _"Awww, he fell asleep,"_ she thought to herself. She wasn't the least bit upset, it had been a long day and she was glad that he felt relaxed enough to finally sleep. Anna grabbed a throw blanket from the closet and placed it over him and dimmed the lights in the living room. She sipped on some of her tea before taking her seat next to him and laying her head upon his shoulder. She lightly grabbed his hand and wrapped his arm around her before placing her own hand against his chest. "Goodnight, John," she whispered in the dark.

As she began to close her eyes she heard him reply back in his sleep, "Goodnight, Anna."


	16. Treading Water

**Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to update. I got busy and then I had writer's block but I think I'm back on track now. Just wanted to thank you guys for the reviews on the last chapter it forced me to write more detail descriptions for love scenes. So I struggled with it but persevered and was able to make up for leaving you all hanging on the last chapter. I still don't own anything, just writing for fun.**

**Enjoy! And reviews are appreciated :)**

**Chapter 16**

**Treading Water**

John walked into the firehouse with a little extra kick in his step on Monday morning. The heavy burden he'd been carrying around with him like a scarlet letter; a mixture of guilt and self-loathing, had somehow dissipated. He was feeling more optimistic than ever before; the sun was shining, birds were singing, he slept better than he had in ages, and best of all…he had Anna. Sure, in some ways he had her before today, or rather she had him, but he was no longer fighting his feelings for her. While still humming the tune that had been playing on the radio on his way into work John punched in at the time clock. He passed Mr. Carson and flashed a smile that produced an uneasy response from the older, stoic fellow. He even managed to throw a few "hellos" out to the boys as they performed training exercises. It was out of the ordinary behavior for him, but they gladly accepted his pleasant interaction and responded in kind. John was in a sort of daze as he made his way through the garage; like nothing could bring him down, he almost hadn't noticed Tom sliding out on the creeper when he walked by the rig. Without so much as batting an eye John effortlessly jumped over him and continued on without saying a word.

Tom rose to his feet to apologize but John had already left the room. He wiped his hands with the rag and ran after John. Tom made his way into the locker room area to find John already changing into his department uniform. "Sorry John, I forgot to warn you before I rolled out," Tom apologized, but John didn't seem to acknowledge his words.

"What's that?" John asked as he pulled his polo over his head with a smile pasted on his face.

"Nothing…never mind. So what has you in such a good mood?" Tom questioned.

"Nothing in particular," John answered as he opened his locker to throw his other shirt in. But even as the words escaped him he was having trouble concealing the smile on his face. He was grateful that the metal door to the locker obscured him from Branson's line of sight. He knew exactly why he was in such a good mood; the weekend had gone better than expected. He and Anna had made love for the first time and a few times after that; he was surprised to find that each time with her seemed like a new experience and that it only made him love her more. This was a whole new experience for him, the only person he had slept with more than once before Anna was Vera, and that was a very different story. He quickly shook Vera from his thoughts turned back to Anna instead.

On some level he felt ashamed for having given in to his greater urges with her; it wasn't so much that he regret sleeping with Anna but he hoped it would have been under different circumstance. He didn't want her feeling that he took advantage of her emotional state of being lonely or depressed. That wasn't to say that he was perfect; he wished that he wasn't a damaged man. _Maybe that's what love was really about, maybe one wasn't whole until they found that other soul that completed them like no one else could._ Their time spent together gave him a new lease on life and motivated him to be a better person. But the weekend hadn't just been about sex; he felt that they had made a lot of progress emotionally. Sure there were still details of Anna's life that she had chosen not to share with him, but the same could be said for him. He was sure they would cross those bridges eventually; as far as he was concerned they had gotten the big issues out in the open and neither one of them seemed to be scared off by the other.

Tom was finally able to close the locker door enough to see John's face. "Don't lie to me, Bates," Tom said playfully as he continued to prod him, "You're acting way too happy; it's almost…"

"Infectious," John interrupted.

"I was going to say disturbing," Tom interjected.

"Cute," John quipped while looking in the mirror and combing his hair. "It's nothing worth mentioning," he lied while avoiding eye contact with his friend.

"Not worth mentioning?" Tom prodded.

"I meant, don't read into it," John corrected while he pulled off his sneakers to put his work boots on. When he went to set the shoes down some of the sand from the beach spilled out onto the bench in the locker room. John smiled to himself as he was reminded of their time at the beach. He thought of the way their bodies became one in the water and how they moved in time with the waves. Had he not been moored to her he was sure he would have sunk into the sea as the moment carried him away. His thoughts and actions were being propelled by Anna and he had never felt so lost and at home all at the same time. The feeling had been so new to him and yet he couldn't have felt safer with anyone else as he explored the unknown. John remembered how the water felt like a thousand needles crashing against his skin and yet when they were out there together he forgot how cold he was. The combination of sunblock and water made her skin feel slick and smooth as she rubbed up against him and sent shivers up his body. Yet, her ministrations and the feel of flesh upon flesh set electricity pulsing through his veins and his skin was set afire. The taste of watermelon lip gloss on her mouth provided a sweet contrast to the salt water that engulfed them. If he concentrated hard enough he could still taste her lips upon his and he felt his pulse begin to race. John was shaken from his reverie when Tom shut his locker door.

"John," Tom said as he checked to make sure no one was looking. He lowered his voice before saying, "It's okay…I know."

"You know?" John asked. Now John was checking to see if anyone was listening to their conversation, "How?"

"Well, I don't know everything, but I figured it out. Sybbie told me about your little love note to Miss Smith," he said.

"Ah, she ratted me out eh?" John asked with a smile.

"No not really, but she told me about how you kept stopping in her classroom to check on Anna and the conversation at the swings," Tom said. "You made a real impression on her; she couldn't stop talking about Sybil this weekend or you and Miss Smith."

"Well, she's a sweet girl. And it wasn't hard to find something nice to say about your wife…she was a good woman," John responded.

"Thanks," Tom replied. "So how was your weekend?"

"It went very well," John answered with a smile. He was about to say more but then he thought he heard someone coming into the locker room. John hesitated and then lowered his voice before saying, "Look I'd love to tell you more, but we're trying to keep our relationship a secret for now. I don't want anyone to question my commitment to AA or ruin Anna's reputation at the school."

"Understood. Mum's the word," Tom said as he pretended to zip his lips shut with his fingers. He watched as John finished lacing up his work boots, "Hey John…"

John looked up to meet his friends face, "Yeah?"

"I'm happy for you," Tom said as he extended his hand out to shake.

"Thanks. I've never known happiness like this. It's nice," he said as he shook Tom's hand.

* * *

Anna was sitting in the staff lunch room back at her usual table when Gwen walked up to join her. "Hey you're back," she joked.

Anna was somewhat sidetracked as she stared at her cellphone. She had just sent John a text and was waiting for a response. Anna couldn't remember a time when she acted like this when it came to another man, not even with Mark. She'd been thinking about John all day: contemplating if she should call him; wondering if he was thinking about her; hoping he wasn't having withdrawals; and praying he wasn't battling an anxiety attack. Just then a text came in from John and it read, "First day back is going fine. Missing you. Can't wait to see you tonight. Have a good day. Love John." Anna smiled as she turned off the screen of her phone and returned to eating her lunch.

"Hello? Anna, I was talking to you," Gwen said as she waved her free hand in front of Anna's face.

"I'm sorry, I was reading a text message. Just sort of lost in my thoughts," she explained as she tucked her phone back into her pocket. "What did you say earlier?" Anna inquired.

"I'm just curious as to why you are sitting at this table," Gwen commented, "you seemed to have forgotten about your friends last week when the fireman was here."

"Oh please, I was just trying to be nice and he was assisting with my class," Anna reasoned as she unscrewed the top of her drink.

"Anna, he wasn't teaching your class the whole week. And I'm not the only one who noticed him stopping by your room in his free time, even if it was just to linger in your doorway," Gwen pointed out as she began eating her food.

Anna hung her head in silence but was smiling inwardly, it had been so nice to have him so close to her that whole week. Knowing that he was always a few feet away or possibly standing just around the corner. She had never felt so safe and secure and yet it wasn't close enough. Anna didn't know if their weekend had made things better or worse. She found that her yearning for him had increased exponentially since they had slept together. She was missing his touch upon her skin, especially the unintentional ones where their hands had barely grazed one another and resulted in long, eager glances. She felt her cheeks flush at the thought and tried to get her senses back under control.

"Anna, it's fine. John more or less told me that there was something going on between you two," Gwen stated. "I mean I already had an inkling, but when I threatened to hurt him if he broke your heart he spilled the beans."

Anna had stopped eating at this point and wondered how much John had given away. She knew even if he had said more than he should have that she could trust Gwen; but she knew John well enough to know he was a private person. It would be very unlike him to give away all the details of their romance to a person he barely knew, even to Gwen. "You threatened him?" Anna asked with a smile.

"Of course...you're my friend. I don't think I could stand watching your heart break again," Gwen said sweetly.

"What did he say when you confronted him?" Anna asked.

"He said he only has eyes for you," Gwen replied. "He seems like a really great guy Anna, I hope it works out for you two."

"Thanks Gwen," Anna said as she gave her friend's hand a gentle squeeze.

"So have you seen him since last week?" Gwen asked.

"Oh, yes I've seen him," Anna answered as she tried to conceal her excitement.

"And?" Gwen prompted.

"And what?" Anna replied.

"Come on details woman. I mean this is the first guy you've been excited about since the person you met at the meeting," Gwen noted. Anna nearly choked on her drink as she was swallowing it. "Oh my gosh are you okay?" Gwen asked, her voice filled with concern.

Anna did her best to clear her throat and took another small sip, "Sorry, just went down the wrong pipe."

"So does this mean you are done with the mystery man from the meetings?" Gwen pushed for more information.

Anna sat quietly and didn't answer Gwen's question. She had not allowed herself to think of what would happen going forward at the meetings. She knew they were still planning on keeping their relationship secret but she also knew that it would be harder for John to recover if she was at the meetings distracting him. Anna wasn't sure that she could let go of attending the meetings just yet; it was the only thing she had to hang on to that made her feel like Ethan was still around and that she hadn't failed him. The more Anna thought about it the more she worried of the worst case scenario; that Miss Hughes would ban them both from the meetings. They would have to keep things professional and discreet at the meetings if things were to continue as they had before that weekend. Anna finally shook free of her thoughts and realized Gwen was still waiting for an answer. She felt herself getting emotional as she said, "I'm not sure. I'm not ready to let it all go."

* * *

Later that day John sat eagerly waiting in the rear parking lot of the church, he checked his watch for what seemed like the millionth time and knew it was still early. He had hoped they might get a moment to talk before the meeting and it wasn't something he wanted to text to her or say over the phone. He wanted to do it in person. He didn't know why he felt so nervous, Anna was understanding and he knew she was reasonable. She would see sense in what he was about to discuss with her. Maybe it was just nerves and it was all due to the fact that this would be the first time he would be seeing her since weekend together. He felt his fingers fidgeting purposelessly and at first he thought he felt another panic attack coming on, but quickly realized he just had an overwhelming urge for a smoke. He tried to shake the feeling and took a few deep breaths in hopes of squelching his desire. Remembering his time in Doctor Clarkson's office, John reached for his cellphone and swiped the screen to unlock it. John saw a picture of he and Anna together at the beach on the background wallpaper of his screen. He was grinning like a fool at the camera, trying his best to stay serious and she was looking up totally enamored with him. She looked blissfully happy, almost drunk with love and for a moment he didn't feel ashamed about the events that transpired that weekend. Maybe he was just as good for her as she was for him. Though what it was she saw in him he still couldn't fathom. He felt his heart beat evening out and his smile blossomed as he looked at the picture a little longer.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her car drive into the parking lot. Anna waved gave a small wave as she pulled up next to him and when he looked over at her she smiled back at him. But it wasn't just any smile, it was that smile. One that reassured him that no matter what things would be alright and it warmed his heart. He even offered a small wave back to her; an action that he would have thought foolish or ridiculous months ago, but now for Anna it seemed like second nature. John silenced his cellphone before deciding to leave the jacket that Anna had given him in the truck. The summer weather was pleasantly warm and John rolled up the window leaving it cracked before he ran a hand through his hair in an effort to tame it. The heat was making his hair more unmanageable than usual. Before hopping out of the truck he took one last glance at himself in the rearview mirror and threw his sunglasses. As he went to turn around and shut the door he felt her arms wrap around him and he wished he could hold her forever, but John was quick to regain his senses and remember where they were standing.

"Is something the matter?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"No," he replied unconvincingly.

Anna raised herself on her tip toes and pushed his sunglasses up on his head so she could see his eyes a little better. When she did, it pushed all his hair back but a single strand still managed to escape its imprisonment. Anna had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing, "Are you sure? You seem sort of far away."

John let out a small sigh before speaking, "Yeah…I just had a busy day at the fire house." He tried to find a way to start the conversation he had intended to have with her but was quite distracted and taken aback by her beauty. Her golden locks were tied back in a loose braid; it had probably been tighter earlier he thought to himself. He could only imagine that chasing twenty children around under the age of six had caused it to lose its shape, but he didn't mind. Staring at her now he wanted nothing more than to smooth the stray strands with his fingers or better yet lose the braid all together and comb through it. Anna had that look about her that made her look wild and free and he felt privileged that he got to see that side of her in a way no one else would. In fact, the idea of Anna chasing around after children in her classroom caused a thought to surface that he couldn't quite shake. It wasn't the first time it dawned on him, though he supposed the possibility was greater now. One day he and Anna could have their own children and it wasn't scaring him in the least. John was no longer trying to avoid a future with Anna but was trying to avoid a future without her. John's mind was racing and he realized he was getting ahead of himself.

Still, the way the idea made his heart swell didn't seem to subside and so instead he tried to focus on something else about her. _Her lips? No. Her eyes perhaps? No. Maybe her neck? No. Dear God I can't seem to look at any one part of her without wanting to devour her and cover every inch of her flesh with my own. Just say anything you dope, she's going to think you've gone off the deep end if you keep staring at her that way._ John seemed to be at a loss for words, but managed to produce a smile.

"Is that all?" she asked. This time her voice was serious and filled with concern. She had been worried that the change in environment and being away from one another might trigger an anxiety attack but he seemed well enough.

John was seriously reconsidering if now was the time to broach the subject. She looked so happy to see him and he didn't want it to come out the wrong way or risk her being cross with him. He stared down at his feet as he tried to devise a plan and saw that she was wearing a pair of low heels. It was the first time he had seen her in heels and he felt his heart beat quicken. She was still in her work slacks, a dressy blouse, and a dark blue blazer; even though she was showing hardly any skin he found himself indescribably aroused by the combination. It made her appear like the type of person that took control of a situation; someone that had their life together. He was already strategizing a plan in his head how he would take his time removing each bit of clothing, if she let him of course. The thought of her bare before him again was hard to refuse and he certainly didn't want to. He had to avert his eyes for a moment and then he felt her silken hand lightly take hold of his wrist. Her tiny hand could barely wrap his own in her grip and he was reminded of just how tiny and frail she was. One look at her face and seeing the determination that lay behind those eyes also told him that she was stronger than she appeared and he loved her all the more for it. She was a survivor like him and he knew then that maybe his request would be asking too much of her.

"You look lovely," he commented.

"Why thank you, I feel like a mess. I'm only in this get up because we had a curriculum meeting this afternoon with some of the parents on the PTA. I didn't have time to change after work," she explained as she pushed a loose strand of hair back behind her ear.

John nearly laughed aloud having felt unkempt in comparison to her. He should start getting used to that feeling as John figured that it would probably never go away. She could never look "a mess" as she called it, even when he had seen her in her mismatched pajamas that first night he had been awe struck by her.

Anna's gaze was locked on him as she tried to read his face, knowing him he was probably consumed with some self-deprecating thought or another. She took note of the way he shuffled anxiously in his tennis shoes and ran a hand through his hair; a nervous tick he was oblivious of. If John ever got wind of how it pushed Anna to her edge she was sure he would do it over and over again just to watch her squirm. He really was oblivious to the affect he could have on her with the simplest of gestures. Whether it was a one of his full smiles that meant he was truly happy or even a half smile she loved it just the same. Sometimes she thought she liked the half smile better because she knew meant he was really making an effort to be happy, it was in those moments she knew he was struggling or having a bad day and yet he put on a smile just for her. She would never tire of the way his hands floundered when he was really excited about something and trying to explain it. Even the way he carried himself was appealing; it was a combination of a saunter and a strut that made his hips shift in a hypnotic manner. He was wearing a well-worn pair of jeans and what appeared to be a new v-neck shirt. It was dark green and it made his eyes more radiant than she had ever seen them before. It was a little snug in comparison to the shirts she had seen him wear before but it made the muscles in his shoulder appear larger and more defined. A small thatch of chest hair poked out from the base of the opening and she nearly flailed with excitement at the sight.

She was reminded of their sexual escapades and the way he had taken his time with her; it hadn't felt rushed or forced, it felt right. He had been so attentive to her needs, almost reading her mind at times; it was surreal how their minds and hearts were tethered to one another. It was as if they had spent their whole lives waiting for one another and when their bodies melded together it was perfection. Though she would never admit it aloud she was glad they had slept together so quickly, she had needed it more than she knew. She needed to feel loved and important to someone again. It hadn't been about just sex, it had been about taking down walls that she had been trying so hard to hold up on her own for almost two years. Despite what others might say she knew deep down that if she had chosen to hold off on sleeping together that he would have respected her decision and waited for her.

"I missed you today, probably far more than I care to admit," she confessed with a warm smile. She looked into his deep green irises that spoke more than he did at times and watched as they softened a bit. The crinkles in the corners eased a bit as they stared back at her and she didn't feel so foolish anymore for having said what she did.

"Would you think less of me if I admitted that I was also thinking of you all day today?" he asked and she silently shook her head in a no response.

Anna felt a romantic rush flow through her like a wave and she leaned in towards him. Like a magnet being pulled in by another she closed her eyes and eagerly awaited the contact of his lips upon hers. A warm breeze caressed her face and she could hear the sound of birds in the trees but the only thing she was focusing on was John's breathing as he hovered mere inches from her face. With her eyes still closed she tried to picture his face as his cologne filled her senses. She wanted nothing more than to burrow in the embrace of his strong, hairy arms and be engulfed by the musky aroma that she had come to know and love.

John watched as her lips slightly puckered and jutted out towards him. He glanced around the parking lot once more before placing a warm, soft kiss upon her neck and a small laugh reverberated against her skin. His eyes darkened when he saw her head voluntarily dip back to grant him more access to her skin. John could felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He let a hand travel up the side of her arm and gather a bit of hair at the base of her head as he brought her closer to him. He kissed her cheek as gentle as a hush and felt a sigh escape her mouth as her breast heaved ever so slightly against his chest.

Anna was tired of waiting for him to reach her lips and instead sought him out. Instead she was pleasantly surprised when she felt his hands lift her chin, their noses barely touching, and his hot breath assaulting her skin. She succumbed to his will when she felt his mouth upon hers and yielded to his easy strength. She felt her heart melt as he invaded her mouth with his tongue and danced upon hers. The passion that had already been there was gaining momentum and she gripped at the base of his v-neck as she desperately searched for something to hold her steady. But it was too late; once she heard her name escape his lips she was lost to him body, heart, and soul. When their lips finally parted she opened her eyes and touched her lips that with the tips of her fingers feeling the sting of his kiss still present.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked worriedly.

Anna was still trying to regain her senses as her breathing returned to normal. It couldn't have lasted more than a couple seconds but she felt as though he had just staked his claim on her all over again, and she loved it. John Bates had ruined her for all other men and he wasn't even aware of it. "You could never do anything wrong when you kiss me like that" she said seductively.

Any trace of melancholy that had been there before had been banished in that moment and he felt a rush of peace and tranquility engulf him. They stood basking in each other's ambiance and he suddenly didn't have the heart to tell her what he had planned to before. Before William had passed he had never known a life of consequences or regrets, and even after William passed, John cared even less about what happened to him. Yet somehow, standing before Anna, holding her in his arms he knew more than ever that his actions…his words had consequences. He didn't want to say something he'd regret or that would take that smile from her face. He couldn't be that person anymore.

"Where did that kiss come from?" she asked him with a curious smile as her sky blue eyes fell upon him.

"I just wanted to give you a proper hello," he answered back.

"Well hello then," she joked. Her hand was tracing the edge of his v-neck and raked across a few of the hairs that she had taken notice of before. "Can you promise me something, John?"

The way she said his name still overwhelmed his thoughts and sent him reeling once more. The effect was only further intensified by the touch of her finger tips upon his chest. They felt like they would sear right through his shirt if she pressed any harder. Somehow he still managed to respond to her question "Anything."

She arched an eyebrow, she hadn't expected such a bold answer and without so much as a moments hesitation. "Kiss me like that every time," she replied as she kissed him again.

It was equally powerful and took him by storm but he welcomed it and nearly melted in her arms. The sheer force had sent him careening backwards into the door of the truck, taking her with him. He thought for sure the jolt would have separated them, but instead Anna sank further into him and her body was now nearly flush with his own. When the kiss ended he was sorry at the loss of contact but was quick to reply with, "I promise."

"Good. I've wanted to do that all day," she said with a cheery smile. A breeze blew some of her hair across her eyes and she felt her heart skip a beat when he slowly moved the hair from her face and offered a warm, gentle smile back. "If I had to sit through one more meeting…well…let's just say I'm really happy to see you."

"Me too. I can't wait to show you just how happy later on," he said flirtatiously.

"Really? What did you have in mind?" she asked as she let her fingers entwine with his.

John was just about to answer when they both heard a car nearing the entrance to the parking lot and distanced themselves from one another. Ms. Hughes was still in her car and staring at them both like a mother who had just caught her children doing something they shouldn't. John was the first to offer a friendly wave and breathed a small sigh of relief when she did so right back. When she began to get out of her car he hung his head in shame a bit and winced. He was steeling himself for the punishment that surely awaited him.

Instead she simply smiled at them and said, "I'll see you both inside."

It was a not so subtle hint that they should get inside, even though John wasn't one for taking orders he didn't want to get on Ms. Hughes bad side. She either hadn't seen anything or was willing to keep their little secret to herself. Something told him that the old bird would have bee on their side either way. She seemed to have a kinship with Anna that he still didn't know the extent of but he was glad for it. John didn't want Miss Hughes to think he was taking advantage of her kindness or tempt the fates by dawdling any longer. His hand sought out Anna's as they made their way towards the church and gave it three little squeezes as he took a deep breath.

He supposed he could wait a little longer to talk to Anna. After all suggesting that she give up going to the meetings was not something he could ask of her when they had just barely started going out. From the little bits Anna had shared it seemed that they were more like family to her than her own had been after the loss of her brother. Even though he knew it would be good for her, would she be willing to sacrifice all of that for him? For them? What if she refused to speak with him after making such a suggestion? John's breath caught in his throat for a moment. He knew he survive in a world without Anna; but he knew that this place would always remind Anna of Ethan, and not in a good way. Somehow he would have to convince her that it was for the best. He knew now that he had to be the man she needed and not the man she wanted.

They both stood outside the door to the church and could hear a few voices inside already. John was dreading this moment, he didn't want to let her go and he could tell by the tension in her grip she wasn't ready to either. He had failed to see how hard this would be for her. He had been so worried about how he would juggle a relationship and getting therapy that he hadn't thought of Anna. _She must be remembering coming in here for the first time with Ethan._ John had to make sure he wouldn't make the same mistake Ethan had. He would have to be strong for both of them. He looked down at their hands that held one another so perfectly and stared into her eyes, "It'll be alright." He couldn't think of anything else to say so he gave her a half-smile that always seemed to perk her up and it did just that. As he reached for the door handle he asked, "Are you ready?"

He saw the muscles in her jaw relax a bit; she gave off a small shake of nerves as she let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding in. He saw her wipe at a small tear near the corner of her eye and he wished so badly that he could take those horrible memories away. Anna silently nodded her head and slowly let her hand slip from his as he opened the door for her. John held the door open for her as she passed by him and in that moment he realized he had never known a stronger woman. He felt as though he were letting go of a life preserver, but she wasn't a life preserver, she had been drowning like him. He didn't have to worry because she was still floating next to him, still within reach, and she'd be waiting for him at the end of the day. He wasn't drowning anymore just treading water.


End file.
